bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-08 09:35 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-08 09:35 pm
cranky #37865
oy,i'm annoyingly unmotivated.
i need to call the dr.'s answering service so they can have a nurse call me in the morning. the sooner i get on the nurse's call back list,the better. when i called last week they weren't able to get back to me for three hours,as i waited around the house. this way,i risk having to drag myself out of bed to answer their call but i don't want to risk getting no answer at all,as i must get a prescription for stomach meds tomorrow. being nauseated round the clock is not only unpleasant,i have a hunch it's not very good for you either. i'm going to dinner with dad around 5 and i have therapy at 7 so i need them to get back to me before that. then of course i'll need to take a trip to the drugstore and pick it up. i hope there isn't a problem with the insurance company paying since i picked up a different stomach med on wednesday that obviously isn't working.
so,since i won't have time tomorrow to do my supermarket shopping,i added it to my must do list for today,so i'm psychologically exhausted from doing things i don't enjoy...grocery shopping at two different places and two loads of laundry. i wonder if anyone understands about the psychological exhaustion of doing non fun things when your life is full of nonfun things? honestly,i feel like a freak. supposedly it's the a.d.d. but i still feel like that's suspicious and i'm just a no good lazy person.
yesterday i was having my suicidal thoughts and in tears at work after i found out before going to work that i am probably not going to have even a day alone at home during my vacation.i know that sounds extreme and it is...but my mental health is so unstable now and being home alone is soothing to me. and it rarely happens. my mother,who can't speak anymore but is otherwise not in pain just won't leave me alone. and i'm starting my two weeks of pms.so anyway i was very distraught and my friend george said 'you're a good person diane' which is so good to hear because no one in my family ever says it,and i don't say it to myself because i don't think of it or believe it all the time. i need to say it to myself more often,but the thing is i often don't believe it when my mental weirdness is particularly acting up and i'm annoying other people even if i don't mean to.
i know i have good qualities,but it really seems to be most of the time that they don't make up for the trouble i am to my family at times or even to myself! keeping myself alive is a royal pain in the butt. i try to be grateful for the little things,but i am so overwhelmed by my problems,i find that hard to do.
hmmmm. must remember to start my wellbutrin tomorrow. hope it doesn't make me feel worse physically. as far as i'm concerned,if it helps it's just a band aid. i think it will just flatten and push down my emotions,and i really think my problem with depression is from not being able to feel my feelings because they are too overwhelming. i also think i sense other people's feelings,and let me tell you there is more negative out there than positive. and just like i'm doing here,i'm talking about my feelings and not feeling them. i wonder if antidepressants work better for the kind of people who just are TOO emotional...can't stop crying,etc. i'm the opposite. i don't let myself cry enough and the feelings get stuck rather than expressed. well,we shall see. maybe wellbutrin will have the opposite effect and i'll start doing a lot of crying and let go of years of sadness...heh. kinda doubt it though!
i need to call the dr.'s answering service so they can have a nurse call me in the morning. the sooner i get on the nurse's call back list,the better. when i called last week they weren't able to get back to me for three hours,as i waited around the house. this way,i risk having to drag myself out of bed to answer their call but i don't want to risk getting no answer at all,as i must get a prescription for stomach meds tomorrow. being nauseated round the clock is not only unpleasant,i have a hunch it's not very good for you either. i'm going to dinner with dad around 5 and i have therapy at 7 so i need them to get back to me before that. then of course i'll need to take a trip to the drugstore and pick it up. i hope there isn't a problem with the insurance company paying since i picked up a different stomach med on wednesday that obviously isn't working.
so,since i won't have time tomorrow to do my supermarket shopping,i added it to my must do list for today,so i'm psychologically exhausted from doing things i don't enjoy...grocery shopping at two different places and two loads of laundry. i wonder if anyone understands about the psychological exhaustion of doing non fun things when your life is full of nonfun things? honestly,i feel like a freak. supposedly it's the a.d.d. but i still feel like that's suspicious and i'm just a no good lazy person.
yesterday i was having my suicidal thoughts and in tears at work after i found out before going to work that i am probably not going to have even a day alone at home during my vacation.i know that sounds extreme and it is...but my mental health is so unstable now and being home alone is soothing to me. and it rarely happens. my mother,who can't speak anymore but is otherwise not in pain just won't leave me alone. and i'm starting my two weeks of pms.so anyway i was very distraught and my friend george said 'you're a good person diane' which is so good to hear because no one in my family ever says it,and i don't say it to myself because i don't think of it or believe it all the time. i need to say it to myself more often,but the thing is i often don't believe it when my mental weirdness is particularly acting up and i'm annoying other people even if i don't mean to.
i know i have good qualities,but it really seems to be most of the time that they don't make up for the trouble i am to my family at times or even to myself! keeping myself alive is a royal pain in the butt. i try to be grateful for the little things,but i am so overwhelmed by my problems,i find that hard to do.
hmmmm. must remember to start my wellbutrin tomorrow. hope it doesn't make me feel worse physically. as far as i'm concerned,if it helps it's just a band aid. i think it will just flatten and push down my emotions,and i really think my problem with depression is from not being able to feel my feelings because they are too overwhelming. i also think i sense other people's feelings,and let me tell you there is more negative out there than positive. and just like i'm doing here,i'm talking about my feelings and not feeling them. i wonder if antidepressants work better for the kind of people who just are TOO emotional...can't stop crying,etc. i'm the opposite. i don't let myself cry enough and the feelings get stuck rather than expressed. well,we shall see. maybe wellbutrin will have the opposite effect and i'll start doing a lot of crying and let go of years of sadness...heh. kinda doubt it though!
no subject
Also, I've read that when you don't feel motivated to do something, try drawing on pure determination to see yourself through it.
no subject
be careful how you say things like this...it sounds a lot like 'just get over it' but i don't think you meant it that way.
i thank you for responding!
no subject