bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2006-08-07 06:21 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2006-08-07 06:21 pm
just some kvetching
am i moody or what?
i had lunch with my dad today and afterwards i just wanted to absolutely DIE. i would never tell dad that,though. it's not his fault. the thing is,he is very confused these days and when i try to converse with him by asking questions,he just gets confused,because he can't think of the words to answer with. he may or may not have something seriously wrong,but i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he lives alone,he doesn't like to read,or do crossword puzzles,and he's been going downhill mentally since he quit his part-time accounting jobs. i thought it was great when he quit,but i didn't foresee that effect. he's turning 79 tomorrow,so he's not that young,and i'm sure part of that is normal,but...when he's not being confused,he talks about being frustrated about being confused and wishes someone would take care of him.i can sort of relate to that. i wish someone would take care of me (don't we all sometimes?) and i don't even have the energy for a social life,or to contribute to a friendship,so i really don't feel like i have anyone to lean on or talk to,really, because i don't feel like i can reciprocate. my sisters are great,but i don't like to bother them because i feel i have so little to offer them,and have contributed so little to the family in the past few years. so feeling useless,i just want to die,because not only am i useless,and feel like i can barely take care of myself,but then i worry about who is going to take care of dad and should we be doing something,but i don't want to mention it to my sisters,though i've wanted to for months and months and may do so soon,because they've got their own stuff to deal with. but every time i have lunch with dad,i have to metaphorically talk myself off a ledge. i guess it's fortunate that i manage to do that. i do that a lot...as i say,i'm really moody and i head for the proverbial ledge quite often and then talk myself down. not much of a way to live,but i have good moments here and there...
i just made an appointment with a therapist for next week. it's at 5 in the afternoon,which isn't too great,because with my stomach problems it's better to stick to a regular eating schedule,and that messes it up,but it's not been easy to find a therapist,and i really feel like i need one right now. i've been dealing with stuff on my own for quite a while now and obviously it's pretty tough for me sometimes.
i have to think about some different ways i've figured out about dealing with stuff at work and see if i can apply things that have worked to the rest of my life.
even though i was feeling very very icky earlier,i was still able to push myself to do the things i had slated to get done today,so good for me!
i called and made an appointment to have my furnace cleaned in september.i'm going to try to have the electrician come over the same day and replace my smoke detector,since i have to hang around all day anyway.
i went to the hardware store and got a new filter for my furnace/ac unit. i hate doing that,because it's fiberglass,and i don't like fiberglass!
i called dad to remind him to take the food out of the cooler when he gets home. i just bought him a cooler to put lunch leftovers in as he spends HOURS doing banking and errands on the days we have lunch.
i called and left a message with the therapist,who just called me back.
this may not sound like much,but i hate doing stuff like that,and it's not easy to do things you hate when you're depressed. so good for me.
as for moody? well,when i got done making the phone calls,i went to the library and parked next to another echo and had a friendly chat with the woman who owned it. we love our echos! and then of course i always kid around with the guy who pumps my gas at the service station. do i seem depressed? no,not at those moments. really,i used to be much much worse,but i've worked hard on my thinking habits,and i'm not so bad. but sometimes it's really hard and tiring and i just want life to be easier. and to have more energy...but the energy thing is psychological and i guess has to do with a more chronic type of depression that underlies the day to day moodiness. i tried drugs when i was desperate. they worked for a while,and then stopped working.
the cognitive stuff has worked best,but i still fall down very easily. the thinking stuff has helped me get up quicker,at least,but i fall down a lot.
i just want to have a friend or two and something to live for. i'm okay when i can distract myself,but i used to do it with food and i can't do that much anymore because so many things make me sick.
just needed to get this off my chest for now,i guess. eventually i will write something to all my sisters,but at least i don't when i'm feeling suicidal over worrying about dad!
and for now...just have to decide what baseball game i'll watch tonight. the red sox have the day off,so maybe i'll watch the white sox/tigers or maybe the phillies/braves. or maybe i'll find something else to watch. i've been watching general hospital and i don't know why i'm hooked because i don't particularly like any of the characters! i guess it's just curiousity and a distraction.
guess i'll go have a few of the bland cookies that don't upset my stomach. o woe is me. have to laugh at myself...what else to do?
i had lunch with my dad today and afterwards i just wanted to absolutely DIE. i would never tell dad that,though. it's not his fault. the thing is,he is very confused these days and when i try to converse with him by asking questions,he just gets confused,because he can't think of the words to answer with. he may or may not have something seriously wrong,but i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he lives alone,he doesn't like to read,or do crossword puzzles,and he's been going downhill mentally since he quit his part-time accounting jobs. i thought it was great when he quit,but i didn't foresee that effect. he's turning 79 tomorrow,so he's not that young,and i'm sure part of that is normal,but...when he's not being confused,he talks about being frustrated about being confused and wishes someone would take care of him.i can sort of relate to that. i wish someone would take care of me (don't we all sometimes?) and i don't even have the energy for a social life,or to contribute to a friendship,so i really don't feel like i have anyone to lean on or talk to,really, because i don't feel like i can reciprocate. my sisters are great,but i don't like to bother them because i feel i have so little to offer them,and have contributed so little to the family in the past few years. so feeling useless,i just want to die,because not only am i useless,and feel like i can barely take care of myself,but then i worry about who is going to take care of dad and should we be doing something,but i don't want to mention it to my sisters,though i've wanted to for months and months and may do so soon,because they've got their own stuff to deal with. but every time i have lunch with dad,i have to metaphorically talk myself off a ledge. i guess it's fortunate that i manage to do that. i do that a lot...as i say,i'm really moody and i head for the proverbial ledge quite often and then talk myself down. not much of a way to live,but i have good moments here and there...
i just made an appointment with a therapist for next week. it's at 5 in the afternoon,which isn't too great,because with my stomach problems it's better to stick to a regular eating schedule,and that messes it up,but it's not been easy to find a therapist,and i really feel like i need one right now. i've been dealing with stuff on my own for quite a while now and obviously it's pretty tough for me sometimes.
i have to think about some different ways i've figured out about dealing with stuff at work and see if i can apply things that have worked to the rest of my life.
even though i was feeling very very icky earlier,i was still able to push myself to do the things i had slated to get done today,so good for me!
i called and made an appointment to have my furnace cleaned in september.i'm going to try to have the electrician come over the same day and replace my smoke detector,since i have to hang around all day anyway.
i went to the hardware store and got a new filter for my furnace/ac unit. i hate doing that,because it's fiberglass,and i don't like fiberglass!
i called dad to remind him to take the food out of the cooler when he gets home. i just bought him a cooler to put lunch leftovers in as he spends HOURS doing banking and errands on the days we have lunch.
i called and left a message with the therapist,who just called me back.
this may not sound like much,but i hate doing stuff like that,and it's not easy to do things you hate when you're depressed. so good for me.
as for moody? well,when i got done making the phone calls,i went to the library and parked next to another echo and had a friendly chat with the woman who owned it. we love our echos! and then of course i always kid around with the guy who pumps my gas at the service station. do i seem depressed? no,not at those moments. really,i used to be much much worse,but i've worked hard on my thinking habits,and i'm not so bad. but sometimes it's really hard and tiring and i just want life to be easier. and to have more energy...but the energy thing is psychological and i guess has to do with a more chronic type of depression that underlies the day to day moodiness. i tried drugs when i was desperate. they worked for a while,and then stopped working.
the cognitive stuff has worked best,but i still fall down very easily. the thinking stuff has helped me get up quicker,at least,but i fall down a lot.
i just want to have a friend or two and something to live for. i'm okay when i can distract myself,but i used to do it with food and i can't do that much anymore because so many things make me sick.
just needed to get this off my chest for now,i guess. eventually i will write something to all my sisters,but at least i don't when i'm feeling suicidal over worrying about dad!
and for now...just have to decide what baseball game i'll watch tonight. the red sox have the day off,so maybe i'll watch the white sox/tigers or maybe the phillies/braves. or maybe i'll find something else to watch. i've been watching general hospital and i don't know why i'm hooked because i don't particularly like any of the characters! i guess it's just curiousity and a distraction.
guess i'll go have a few of the bland cookies that don't upset my stomach. o woe is me. have to laugh at myself...what else to do?
no subject
At your dad's advanced age, by what you say about his being "confused" at times, he may be (and I don't want to be an alarmist) at the early stages of Alzheimer's disease. His loneliness might be resolved by considering a nursing home or other such facility...
Like I said, I don't mean to offend you or anything, but involving your sisters in helping to decide the next course of action will help all of you deal with what's happening to your dad, etc. And it will relieve a great deal of your own personal stress as well.
Good luck.
no subject
i do appreciate you taking the time to respond and reminding me of the fact that it's not all on me. i'm just tough on myself and possibly my sisters don't feel as angry or resentful towards me as i sometimes do towards myself. also,i feel sad for my dad--but probably more than he does for himself,which makes no sense,of course! he called me today and said he had a good day yesterday. so even though i had a bad day,it helps to know i didn't make his day bad,so strangely that makes me feel better!
thanks again!
no subject
Sometimes we don't feel we're holding up our end of the family arrangement, but the reality is is the balance shifts all the time, so there's an overall leveling out of the shared emotional responsibilities.
This sounds trite (and simple) but don't be so hard on yourself, you've got to share the burdens you feel otherwise you'll drag yourself down where you won't be able to help your dad (and your sisters when they need you and you them) when he really needs you all.
Good luck, hope everything works out for the best for you and your family.
no subject
i have to admit the comment prior to this one (not yours) stung, and i imagine you know why. and i do *NOT* feel like you didn't help with Mom, I think it was a group effort far more team-like than the efforts of other people I know. We all did what we could and had different things to offer. I truly think it balances in the end, and it mom's eyes it most definitely did, now that her eyes are clear.
dad expressed me today that he feels as though he shouldn't be alone. he wouldn't elaborate, but you know how he is.. *sigh*
no subject
my lj friend doesn't know you,of course,and so the comment wasn't really reflective of you or my other sisters.
anyway,i called dad and he was in a good mood so i think he enjoyed your visit.
dad has said to me in the past that he wishes someone would take care of him...i think that's similar to him saying he shouldn't be alone. it upset me at the time,but since i've thought about it,i think it's an emotional expression...i feel the same way myself sometimes...what if something happens to me and nobody knows? well,anyone who lives alone can feel that way,as you know. i most of the time don't worry about it. so looking it at it that way,it worries me less. in that context,it's pretty normal. anything can happen to anyone at any time,but we don't think about it every second,or we'd go crazy...or crazier than we already are! make sense?
by the way,i cleaned up my mailbox if you want to resend that sisters email when you get a chance. sorry about that! i'll try to make a better effort at keeping space there in the future. it's not that hard,i just didn't realize i was cutting it that close! thanks for calling,as it reminded me to call dad as well. and he didn't talk long once i told him there was another red sox game on...he didn't realize,because it's on espn tonight,but he then decided to stay up for awhile to watch it,since he can sleep in almost any day he wants to! ha!
no subject
no subject
there haven't been any new posts since may,so i don't think it's because you're doing anything wrong,as i see you have 'friended' the community,so if there WAS anything there,you'd see it on your friends page.
do you belong to the big yahoo group? that's very active.
no subject
Thank you.