bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-15 10:22 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-15 10:22 pm
it's a beautiful day in the hood.not.
i'm having a fun time. not.
i feel like my sisters are mad at me for wanting to have a day or two alone on my vacation.(i didn't last vacation...i was home with mom all week,and i even took her to see star wars!)
one of my sisters said that she thought that mom is depressed because when sara leaves,mom cries. so...
i went out to the living room to ask my mom if she was depressed. first she said no,then yes. we still dont' know what is wrong with her (she can hardly speak and does odd things but a stroke was ruled out) and i don't really know if she understands and i have trouble understanding her. she will repeat things,constantly come in to my room to try to tell me something,and it's not anything important. i try to converse with her a bit,but it was hard enough when she could talk.
so,i can't really tell if she is depressed (she's on zoloft,but she still could be depressed i guess) but she wrote on her pad of paper that 'i want to take my voice back' and she wants to go to speech therapy but the last time my sister drove her there for several weeks,her speech did not improve. also,at the time she had insurance,and now all she has is medicare,which pays for hardly anything,certainly not her 7 or 8 daily medications. i tried to tell her if she does go back to speech therapy,neither my sister or i have the time to take her,and we'll have to see about a volunteer to drive if if that is available.she said she could drive herself, and i said no...she doesnt' drive that well and driving to this place entails a tricky merge that even i don't relish dealing with,and my reflexes and awareness are better than hers.
i can understand her being sad about not being able to talk,but i told her i can't fix it anymore than she can fix my stomach. maybe the neurologist will finally make a diagnosis,maybe something can be done,but i don't know. she also doesn't like to write i guess....i have to coax her to write things down when i just can't understand her and i've suggested she writes letters to people,but i guess she doesn't like writing. but i think she has to accept her loss of speech,because i think it might be permanent.
my sister also said she wasn't comfortable leaving mom in her apartment alone while she works because she is afraid mom will set the kitchen on fire or let the cat out.
well,i don't have a cat,but i often worry about whether mom is going to burn down the building while i'm at work. i wonder if my sister thought of that.
and,besides which,while talking to mom i started crying myself because i told her i wished i could do more for her,but i've been sick for a long time myself (yes and supporting myself and her and working full-time,but i didn't add that.)
i didn't mind that i started crying but i know mom is uncomfortable when i do and she hasn't comforted me in a long time and i doubt she ever will again.
so i felt that i made things worse by attempting to talk to her.
well,tomorrow is another day. i'm going to the dentist. at least i actually like going to the dentist,especially when it's just a cleaning and check up (hope i dont' have cavities....i dont have the time or the money,not to mention i feel that i spend far too much of my lifetime brushing and flossing,a hated 2 or 3 times daily chore.
i like going to the dentist because they are nice and i'm the center of attention!
an astrologer once did a detailed reading for me and she said something like because aries is in my midheaven,i need recognition. BUT that i have to give that to myself,i can't get it from outside. i guess that's one of my problems...i haven't figured out how to do that.
oh,it's been such a lovely day! grrrr.....
i feel like my sisters are mad at me for wanting to have a day or two alone on my vacation.(i didn't last vacation...i was home with mom all week,and i even took her to see star wars!)
one of my sisters said that she thought that mom is depressed because when sara leaves,mom cries. so...
i went out to the living room to ask my mom if she was depressed. first she said no,then yes. we still dont' know what is wrong with her (she can hardly speak and does odd things but a stroke was ruled out) and i don't really know if she understands and i have trouble understanding her. she will repeat things,constantly come in to my room to try to tell me something,and it's not anything important. i try to converse with her a bit,but it was hard enough when she could talk.
so,i can't really tell if she is depressed (she's on zoloft,but she still could be depressed i guess) but she wrote on her pad of paper that 'i want to take my voice back' and she wants to go to speech therapy but the last time my sister drove her there for several weeks,her speech did not improve. also,at the time she had insurance,and now all she has is medicare,which pays for hardly anything,certainly not her 7 or 8 daily medications. i tried to tell her if she does go back to speech therapy,neither my sister or i have the time to take her,and we'll have to see about a volunteer to drive if if that is available.she said she could drive herself, and i said no...she doesnt' drive that well and driving to this place entails a tricky merge that even i don't relish dealing with,and my reflexes and awareness are better than hers.
i can understand her being sad about not being able to talk,but i told her i can't fix it anymore than she can fix my stomach. maybe the neurologist will finally make a diagnosis,maybe something can be done,but i don't know. she also doesn't like to write i guess....i have to coax her to write things down when i just can't understand her and i've suggested she writes letters to people,but i guess she doesn't like writing. but i think she has to accept her loss of speech,because i think it might be permanent.
my sister also said she wasn't comfortable leaving mom in her apartment alone while she works because she is afraid mom will set the kitchen on fire or let the cat out.
well,i don't have a cat,but i often worry about whether mom is going to burn down the building while i'm at work. i wonder if my sister thought of that.
and,besides which,while talking to mom i started crying myself because i told her i wished i could do more for her,but i've been sick for a long time myself (yes and supporting myself and her and working full-time,but i didn't add that.)
i didn't mind that i started crying but i know mom is uncomfortable when i do and she hasn't comforted me in a long time and i doubt she ever will again.
so i felt that i made things worse by attempting to talk to her.
well,tomorrow is another day. i'm going to the dentist. at least i actually like going to the dentist,especially when it's just a cleaning and check up (hope i dont' have cavities....i dont have the time or the money,not to mention i feel that i spend far too much of my lifetime brushing and flossing,a hated 2 or 3 times daily chore.
i like going to the dentist because they are nice and i'm the center of attention!
an astrologer once did a detailed reading for me and she said something like because aries is in my midheaven,i need recognition. BUT that i have to give that to myself,i can't get it from outside. i guess that's one of my problems...i haven't figured out how to do that.
oh,it's been such a lovely day! grrrr.....