bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-16 12:16 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-16 12:16 pm
family in bad shape
i'm scared.
last night my mother asked me to set her alarm clock for her because she couldnt remember how. of course there was no manual in sight,and i didn't know how to do it,but i thought i could figure it out. well,it took me quite a while and i was getting quite frustrated and angry,and it was made worse because my mother had a hysterical fit of laughter. she has these more and more. it must be part of her brain problem.
i have for a long time (and maybe forever,it's hard to remember one's childhood exactly) had trouble connecting with my mom. when she is overwhelmed,she shuts down and shuts people out. observing it recently it seems very close to psychosis,though i'm no expert. when i'm overwhelmed, i reach out,get too needy,get angry,and occasionally do go off by myself,but the crucial difference is that i do NOT shut people out psychologically when they reach out to me in any way. i am always happy to have some human connection,and as i mentioned,people's kindness is something i am very moved by.
(so it's a good time to mention and thank my wonderful warm friends i've met on the internet,as well as the kind support i get from certain people at work,and often from my dad.
my dad is a bit baffled by me,by my mother and by strange mental afflictions,but he is very responsive,even if it means he's sometimes grumpy,but that's okay! to me that's better than being shut out,which is why i get along better with dad than with mom. my sisters are supportive at times (i have four)
but they all have a lot going on in their lives,one of them doesnt understand what it's like to be depressed beyond the normal blues...lucky for her;one is on zoloft,and the other two do experience depression,so their support is sporadic.)
also,part of the reason i want time alone at home is because since mom is psychologically distant,it's lonelier for me than if i was alone. it's lonely living with someone who ignores you,even though i know it's her mental illness. she also is needy of my time and attention these days, and it's difficult at times but it could be worse. i hope it doesn't get worse while she's still living with me...we really unfortunately need to get her someplace she isn't alone,and since funds are limited in our family,we can't afford assisted living care,but medicaid would kick in if she goes in a nursing home.
i'm lonely because i dont have a social life,though i have a bit of social interaction at work,thank goodness. sometimes i feel like a shut in,except for one that needs to work and needs a lot of money and must go out and do so!
and now i have found out that a close family member has a serious illness as well.
send us your prayers,vibes,used clothing,and especially chocolate. okay,i'm kidding about the clothing.
though i do need some new pairs of pants....ha.
last night my mother asked me to set her alarm clock for her because she couldnt remember how. of course there was no manual in sight,and i didn't know how to do it,but i thought i could figure it out. well,it took me quite a while and i was getting quite frustrated and angry,and it was made worse because my mother had a hysterical fit of laughter. she has these more and more. it must be part of her brain problem.
i have for a long time (and maybe forever,it's hard to remember one's childhood exactly) had trouble connecting with my mom. when she is overwhelmed,she shuts down and shuts people out. observing it recently it seems very close to psychosis,though i'm no expert. when i'm overwhelmed, i reach out,get too needy,get angry,and occasionally do go off by myself,but the crucial difference is that i do NOT shut people out psychologically when they reach out to me in any way. i am always happy to have some human connection,and as i mentioned,people's kindness is something i am very moved by.
(so it's a good time to mention and thank my wonderful warm friends i've met on the internet,as well as the kind support i get from certain people at work,and often from my dad.
my dad is a bit baffled by me,by my mother and by strange mental afflictions,but he is very responsive,even if it means he's sometimes grumpy,but that's okay! to me that's better than being shut out,which is why i get along better with dad than with mom. my sisters are supportive at times (i have four)
but they all have a lot going on in their lives,one of them doesnt understand what it's like to be depressed beyond the normal blues...lucky for her;one is on zoloft,and the other two do experience depression,so their support is sporadic.)
also,part of the reason i want time alone at home is because since mom is psychologically distant,it's lonelier for me than if i was alone. it's lonely living with someone who ignores you,even though i know it's her mental illness. she also is needy of my time and attention these days, and it's difficult at times but it could be worse. i hope it doesn't get worse while she's still living with me...we really unfortunately need to get her someplace she isn't alone,and since funds are limited in our family,we can't afford assisted living care,but medicaid would kick in if she goes in a nursing home.
i'm lonely because i dont have a social life,though i have a bit of social interaction at work,thank goodness. sometimes i feel like a shut in,except for one that needs to work and needs a lot of money and must go out and do so!
and now i have found out that a close family member has a serious illness as well.
send us your prayers,vibes,used clothing,and especially chocolate. okay,i'm kidding about the clothing.
though i do need some new pairs of pants....ha.
no subject
The chocolate and the pants are in the mail(Kidding).
God bless, best wishes, hang in there, hugs and kisses.