bluegreen17 | hello? st. jude?

bloody hell.

i've become the family scapegoat.
i guess i'm bad,evil,everything is my fault.

well that's not fucking true.
i am ill,both physically and mentally and they don't understand that.

recently my sister who i had asked to have my mother over for a couple of days wrote to tell me about some serious things she was dealing with. i wrote back and i thought i had expressed my caring clearly,but today i got back a scathing email accusing me of not caring,telling me of how i
'should' have responded,etc. it was very hurtful. my four sisters have been talking about me behind my back and keeping stuff from me. the sister who i asked to have mom over has a good reason not to be able to in addition to the septic tank (which was not her fault...it was supposed to be done 2 weeks ago,then this week and the guy never showed up). i am not going to write about her other serious stuff,but just trust me it's serious. so basically i thought i had conveyed to her that i accepted that she couldn't have my mom over.

so i wrote her back and i sobbed while i was writing it,while trying t hide my sobbing from my mother. she would either get upset or laugh because of her brain malfunction(inappropriate responses).

my poor mom,she is putting her daughters through hell and i'm sure she didn't mean to. she always wanted to have kids and was happy to have five. of course,part of the reason she liked having kids was because of the codependency thing. i have been least codependent with her than any of us,she has been less of a mother to me than any of us,and yet i am living with her and paying her rent.
my sisters are basically good people but they are hurting me because they are not trying to understand me at all. and my mother is a good person who would be horrified to know about all the tensions she is causing amongst her girls. she has been as good a mother as she could be. she has had an especially difficult time with me,because i am so emotional and that bothers her,but i know she loves me and loves us all anyway. what hurts me is that she doesn't LIKE me and neither do my sisters. and i'm beginning to wonder if they even love me anymore.

i guess i just have to keep reminding myself that i am not evil or bad,because they are not going to and they imply the opposite.

last night while lying in bed i tried having a little chat with god.
but i dont get very far...i get distracted,i think,because i guess i see him as much like my family...he's not listening. of course that's just my perception and does not change what god is if he/she exists. but what it boils down to is that i have no solace in prayer as some do because i don't believe anyone is listening...although maybe i would have better luck with st. jude...he's the patron saint of hopeless causes.

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I read this book called the Power of Your Subconscious Mind... I don't know if you've ever read it before, but it's basically a book about "Scientific Prayer." Apparently, according to author Dr. Joseph Murphy, it is enough simply to believe.

I don't know about scientific prayer, but belief is pretty damn good stuff.

I wish you well, Ms. Moonriver, as always... Hope the situation becomes more tolerable. : )

i read that book many years ago. i'm not good at believing though! i have such little faith.
thank you for your note!

I have read many of your posts about your mother. I hate to see this happening to people. I have some knowledge of these matters. I was a reporter at a newspaper dealing with senior issues for three years. I was my grandmother's conservator for a year, advised my father on her issues for several more years, and now am caring for dad, who is ill with emphysema.

God knows you're getting enough crap from your family! I don't intend to add to that, and I'm not criticizing you -- you are doing the dirty work and they're just sitting on the sidelines yammering -- but it's clear something needs to change.

Some things I think would help you:
1. Look for respite care in your community (which sometimes goes by the name adult day care). You can take your mother there for a few hours a day while you rest or do whatever you need to do.
2. Look for a support group for caregivers.
3. Consider a nursing home for your mother. Some people say they will never do that, that it's horrible, warehousing their loved ones, etc., but there's no advantage to you or your mom for you to try to do it all yourself, especially when you have problems of your own. We have problems with the place where my father is, but the fact is he's healthier there than he was living on his own (when he was in the hospital at least once a month), and it is financially impossible for me (his only child) to be his caregiver full-time.

This, of course, is if you cannot get your sisters to help, and it looks like you should expect no help from them on the principle that you can't get blood from a turnip.

Good luck.

thanks very much for your advice on that. it may come in handy. i appreciate it.
diane

it upsets me to hear about your sisters behavior....they seem to have... at least now... a pretty ugly period....

married and unmarried sisters....the unmarried gets easy the scapegoat...

it reminds me at my proper married sister, which is at the moment for me as unbearable concerning the care for our old parents as i mean it to hear in your entry
...and its so severe for me that i feel great aversion to her, i met her today and i had feelings of loathing to her, how she looks like, how she talks, how she is clothed, her hairs and so on.....

and.. i think the second comment you got is a very good analysis of such situations...

It's hard sometimes knowing who we are when we have others trying to make us out to be something else. It's easier for them that way, we fit in a nice little excuse shaped box, slid easily into a pocket for medicating their embarassment. Your sister may not have heard your words but those accusations in her head. I always tend to assume that people can't be that consciously cruel, but in reality they can be I suppose. I don't know you that well, but I've seen the stains of honesty from what you've spilled here. You aren't evil. You seem to be a good soul who hurts a bit. Pain does odd things to our perceptions. But no, you are far from evil, you are a good person who feels guilty for having a few bad feelings. Well guess what, we all do. Remember that.

thanks. i appreciate your words.

well you know in a sense we are praying with
every breath just as we are confessing with every
word....the thing is though that not all prayer is
offered...some is perhaps mostly in a closed
circle where we are clutching our pain and the
movement of heart and mind is part of that grasp...
but...in the end every moment even of pain
will be redeemed and shine in some unimaginable
illumination... well but else this that in prayer
as putting words to God(or whatever name we need
to use instead to feel another there but let it be
God) it is not necessary to say more than what we
have to say or to shout and repeat as if to a deaf
person...the prayer is made...
when a hand is moved here there is an effect there
as the kabbalists say...
and the more the more we can let go for a moment
of our trouble to make space for something like a
response to come...
dont mean to preach, though maybe it is my
metier, but I think it is from the heart and mind as well
as I can and blessin's
+Seraphim Joseph Sigrist

thank you. no,i didn't take it as preaching.
sometimes i ask god for help,but i don't remember getting much,though of course i think he works through other people as well. and some religions think you shouldn't ask god for help,we should only be thankful to god. i kind of mention this in my latest post,which is rather blunt in talking to god.
would you care to share any ideas on this with me?

hello? st. jude?

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You didn't ask, but ...

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prayer

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