bluegreen17 | (no subject)

i haven't written anything in this here journal in a long time. i haven't had much energy. i use it all up working and getting ready for work,pretty much. in the last few weeks my agony over getting out of bed is so bad that i don't get up until 3 or 4 on my days off. and in the month of january,two days have been so bad i called out from work. i didn't lie. i told them i was having a bad depressive episode. the last one was yesterday and when i called and said why i wasn't coming in (or maybe it was because it was close to the beginning of my shift,which in turn was because i was trying really hard to force myself to get out of bed and didn't want to miss work),my boss said 'that's unacceptable'. i don't know what to make of that. can you be fired because you called out of work because you are seriously depressed?

i feel badly about calling out. i don't take it lightly. i can understand my bosses being frustrated. i'm pretty damned sick and tired and frustrated with being so depressed. it pisses me off,makes me mad at the world for being so unfair. that may not be valid,but there it is.

anyway,i called my therapist and i had an appointment with her today. she is trying to help me out,and is trying to get me into a day program for a week where i can get some support and get medications changed. i want to get back to work as soon as possible. if i can get into the day program (i'll find out tomorrow),i will have to get up early. it's hard because i'm a night owl to begin with and then depressed on top of that. but i do want to somehow get better. i don't have much faith in medications,but i'm 50 years old and have been fighting depression for most of my life. i'm understandably tired. i hate the idea of taking drugs because i think it's just guesswork. i'm reading a book called hippocrates' shadow: secrets from the house of medicine . granted,it's only one doctor's viewpoint,but he says there is A LOT that doctors don't know,but they won't tell you they don't. and i believe that they don't know how psychiatric meds work,they just know that some help some people some of the time,so we're all guinea pigs. even though i hate it,i don't feel so bad at my age,but i don't think kids should be subjects of guesswork. anyway,that's another rant not necessarily for another time. my current meds aren't working. when i had anxiety,xanax and sleeping pills did nothing for me.

what works for me is caffeine,though one develops a tolerance quickly,so it doesn't help. and as for anxiety,i found out vicodin calms me when i took it after my gallbladder operation. but you can't take vicodin much. other than that,and my regular doctor even mentioned this,i don't respond very well to medication. great. but i am now desperate. i can't go through the rest of my life feeling horribly exhausted and depressed every freakin' morning.for the last several months,i have just pushed through the morning hell and managed to do it most of the time. i've driven to work in quite a bit of horrible weather conditions so i wouldn't miss work. but now i feel like i can't keep doing it. maybe i'm a wimp,but it's hard to feel like hell EVERY freakin' day before i get out of bed. and then i feel insane and everybody must think i'm faking it,because when i get going and get to work,i'm doing okay.

anyway,i'm not writing so someone will diagnose me. i'm writing because it makes me feel better at the moment.i plan to now go do a load of laundry. i hate housework. my place is clean as far as things that need to be done for basic hygiene reasons--i don't leave dirty dishes lying around or clothes on the floor and i don't have any pets leaving poop anywhere.that sort of thing. but other than that,it's pretty messy and i hate it.

i guess i will try to stop procrastinating now...

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Many hugs and prayers coming your way!

thanks. i appreciate that!

if all goes well,i'll be going to an outpatient psychiatric program next week,which is group therapy and consultation with a psychiatric nurse practitioner in regards to meds,so i'm hoping it will help. thanks again!

You're welcome!

That sounds like a great program! My fingers & toes are crossed for you. Many more hugs & tons of good energy for you!!!!!

Hi Di, how are you doing today? I'm wondering how therapy was and all that.. hope all is looking up a little bit. Love ya, Sara

my therapist has been extremely helpful,making calls and helping me find resources. if all goes well (the insurance approves and i haven't overlooked anything i'm supposed to do) i will be going to 'psycho day care' next week.
it will probably be five days of three and a half hours of group therapy and consultation with a nurse practitioner regarding medication. the women i talked to today said that people who do well on wellbutrin don't tend to do well on ssri's (zoloft,etc.) makes sense to me. one is stimulating,the other sedating.

i'm pretty sure this hospital is in my network,as i was referred by primary care a while ago but never made an appointment. i'm still concerned about the cost,though. once my savings is gone,it's gone. but i have to do SOMETHING.

hope you're doing okay. i'll check your journal soon.

That's kind of a neat program they have -- outpatient intensive psychiatric care. Glad your therapist has been helpful, too. The real plus to all this, besides the fact that it will hopefully bring you some relief, is that it shows your bosses you are trying to do what you need to do. If that makes sense.. sigh. Nothing I write makes sense today.

I did get good news today -- my blood sugar is FINE and my kidneys may be too, so I'm off the Bactrim which I think I have some weird side effects from but I'm done now so hopefully all will be well. All I have to worry about is gallbladder.. it's much easier to think about one organ than to think about a plethora of unhappy organs all at once.

The cats are expecting their night feeding, and they're being whacko, so I gotta go! Love ya

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I've had depressed friends who've done very well with the right medication. Another who struggled for years and couldn't handle medication finally found the right combination of supplements with a doctor's help. I hope you find what's right for you.

thank you! i appreciate that.

i am now seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner and really like her. to my surprise,she is not pushy about the meds...even checking to see if increased depression might be a side effect of my stomach med...instead of just writing up a presc. for one more thing.
very impressive.

thanks again!