my conversation with god doesnt' go too well

[bluegreen17]

this is not a suicide threat.
i just thought i'd make that clear because i don't want to make people uncomfortable and i am going to bring up the topic.

woke up this morning and my head hurt,which is terrific in addition to everything else. i think it may be allergies,or it could be from me grinding my teeth.the head thing may get better as the day goes on. i hope so. i don't even know if i want to take tylenol because with all this nausea i wonder about the state of my liver.

when i wake up and while i'm in bed at night,i feel slightly queasy but the less i move around the better. and then i got up and ate a banana and THAT made me nauseated. that's fucking ridiculous.

i'm waiting for a call from the dr. but i don't know what they can do...but i would think they are more likely to have an idea than i do! i've been nauseated for two weeks now and i've been taking the strong medication for a week.

i dont' want to eat,but i'm afraid not to. i don't know how to properly fast,and even if i did,i think you need to drink juices and i can't do that. so i force myself to eat even though i know i will feel even sicker. i'm eating the bare minumum i can get away with,but i can't keep eating this way. i'm not getting enough fiber because i don't dare to eat an apple,so i've been taking fiber pills,but when you take fiber pills you have to make sure you take acidophilus.

the wellbutrin seemed to take away the suicidal thoughts,but the way things have been going the past few days,and as i get sicker and sicker they are coming back.

basically,i think logically it would be a hell of a lot easier to kill myself than to keep going through the hell of sickness,money worries,depression,dealing with my mother,and everything else i am going through right now. and the stomach problems really have me worried. not only am i very sick,but the next step will probably be uncomfortable and expensive tests,which raises more problems,one being there is one where you get sedated and i have to find somebody to drive me.two nice folks at work have offered to drive me,bless 'em,but i feel funny about it. but due to things regarding my family,i may need to take them up on it. i hate to have people i don't know very well see me under the influence of that drug though. embarrassing.

i just ate a bowl of greens by itself because the saurkraut i have tastes a little off and i don't need food poisoning right now! and then i'm going to eat a veggie pot pie pocket.
don't want to eat...i'm going to feel worse and worse. and then what happens on top of the nausea is by late afternoon i get hunger pangs for supper,and having hunger pangs along with nausea is very very uncomfortable.

i'm keeping going to work for several reasons. i am still hoping to salvage my vacation for next week,there is a lot of work to do,it helps my mental state to get out of the house,and i need the money.

god,i feel terrible. i'm tempted to drive over to the catholic church and throw myself at the feet of the statue of jesus,and if he won't listen,appeal to mother mary.

i'm desperate.
sure,god'll say 'yeah you always show up when you need something'

and i'll reply "but i'm just human and you made me that way. besides,don't you ever hear me when i say thank you for the little breaks here and there,and for the trees and the singing birds and lots of other things i love? and if you really are a god of love,don't you hear my heart breaking and how i try to be nice even when i'm feeling sick and i feel bad when i fail?
and don't give me that line you gave to job...that wasn't really you was it? i hope not,because i think that was a really rude noncompassionate thing to say. amen."

Comments

Sounds like its going ok(writint at

[seraphimsigrist.livejournal.com]

You invited me to comment on this one. It sounds as
if your conversation is going alright...but I would advise
not to write it always for us because there can be
a certain loss of the words in sharing them with outsiders
it is between you and God.
That is one thing...
0f course the words are expressing something real and
as good as any words but you know God is not outside
your pain, or mine, or anyone's, no suffering is private and
least of all from the one who lives in all that lives...
and has only life to offer not death...

Perhaps God says
"see my child how if you hold your
pain as private there is no exit, but when you see how
it is all who together bear this pain and first I myself
then it is not simply pain any more or if pain then the
pain of birth because suffering creates a space in the heart
where there was none before and suffering goes into
the birth of all that will be...do you remember how Paul
says 'the whole universe groans in the labor of birth
waiting for the appearance of renewed humanity' this
is true, true in you as first in me... and when birth is
completed pain is lost in joy or rather it never was pain
and so it can and should and must and will be with yours
my child...
speak to me as you will but do you not begin to sense
that you could entrust everything ...? And finally to noone
else because only I can tell you the story of your life
because I am myself Life ..."

But that will be between you and God and I am but a
passerby, lj "friend, even friend if you will, but this is for
you and God.
blessings
+Seraphim

note on title of comment: should be "writing at request"

[seraphimsigrist.livejournal.com]

title of above comment got muddled and if anyone is puzzled what
I meant to say was "writing at request" (since author had
in a separate note asked me to comment) I say that because
it goes a little farther in response than I would allow myself
without invitation. +S

Re: Sounds like its going ok(writint at

[bluegreen17]

thanks very much for your thoughts. it gave me the idea that maybe i will write some letters to god...i actually did this conversation as i wrote...and keep them private between me and god,but then there will be communication and i may be surprised at how things may go.
thanks again,as i value your imput!
regards,
diane