bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-20 06:26 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-20 06:26 pm
writing as therapy
i'm not surprised or ashamed to say i'm back already,but at least it was more than ten minutes between entries. maybe that's a break for me these days...
probably right now more than ever it would be good to keep connected to my compadres (and commadres?) on livejournal. i need all the invisible support i can get,along with the saints and angels!
i was going to look up books on saints and angels and stuff by c.s. lewis (particularly a grief observed) and madeleine l'engle (i loved her answer to someone asking if gandhi,as a non-christian, would go to heaven,and she replied something like 'i want go where gandhi went'.)
anyway,i didn't because i didn't end up going to work. which is kind of upsetting.
after eating lunch i had heartburn and so i am getting so sick mentally of getting sick everytime i eat and i'm eating hardly anything,i decided i didn't want to wait until the weekend was over to see if i could get samples of a different proton-pump inhibitor from the dr's office,as the nurse practioner had mentioned i might do that since the aciphex doesn't seem to be working anymore,or at any rate i've been sick for three weeks and i've been taking that for two. strange,because it worked great until i switched to ranitidine.so i switch back and it doesn't seem to work anymore.it took me all day to wait for a nurse to call me back and finally i called them again and they said they hadn't been able to talk to the nurse practioner (they're always busy) and i said well,since you're closing soon,i'm going to come up over on the chance that you can give me some samples. so i did show up in their office. i feel like an idiot because i'm always calling and since they are too busy and take forever to get back to you,i get a bit short...after all,i'm sick,that's why i'm calling.
anyway,they gave me two weeks worth of nexium,but they gave me the high dose of 40 mg rather than 20 mg and does that mean that i will have even LESS stomach acid,because i'm beginning to wonder...my food just sits there after i eat and maybe it's not overacidity and won't cutting down acid more make it worse? unfortunately i cant ask until monday
and then i'll feel like a pest again.
i also need to know if they think the wellbutrin is slowing down my digestion or what. i hate to stop taking it because my life is so hard right now and i think it keeps me from feeling TOTALLY hopeless and suicidal most of the time. i guess i will just have to try the stuff this weekend. i hope i don't feel too crappy. my one real vacation day is going to be sunday...though i have chores to do,i will be by myself for that one day,because my baby sister is going to have my mom stay over her house from sat.night to monday morning,bless her soul.i just hope i'm not sick as a dog because it will be hard to enjoy my solitude! cross all your fingers and toes please!
i ended up blowing off the whole day of work because after feeling sick,waiting all afternoon for a call and feeling depressed about that (i sat in my room for a solid half hour just doing nothing,absolutely nothing,like a zombie,just trying to stay calm but i didn't feel like doing anything at all,i felt so flattened.i had initially hoped i could just swing by the office and pick something up and then i'd just be a little late for work. but after all that,by the time i got the stuff it was 5:00 and i felt mentally drained. i also took mom with me as she asked to go along for the ride,s that's tiring as well.
i'm getting a preview of 'vacation' and it's going to be hard. my mother continually comes over to my bedroom door (i live in my bedroom...it's where my webtv is etc.) and says things i can't understand. she is very confused. she couldn't find my sister's phone number and i had to tell it what it was and of course my sister knows it's mom when mom calls and the only word she can really say is 'yes' but then she was trying to tell my sister something,and i said 'mom,do you want me to talk to michele for you?' so i had mom write down what she wanted to ask and i told my sister. god,this is getting so bad.
i think even the neurologist will be shocked when he sees her on monday. he is going to HAVE to recommend a nursing home even if he can't give a specific diagnosis.
i'm upset about being home because i wanted to tidy things up at work before i went on vacation,but i guess i will have to do my best tomorrow,on a busy saturday. i hate to leave a mess because due to our chronic short staffing (company won't raise payroll unless we have a certain amount of sales,regardless of how much actual work we have to do,and in a large bookstore,there are lots of people making a mess and not buying anything whom we nevertheless have to clean up after.) it will probably become a mess while i'm gone and i'll have to clean it up and my work will be even more stressful after what is probably going to be a stressful vacation next week.
on the one hand,i am glad i am home with mom tonight,because i was afraid to leave her alone,so maybe i am meant to be here.tomorrow she will be alone just for a few hours before my sister picks her up. and i'll be here next week.i suppose i'll need to make sure i get out by myself for short spells for my mental health.but i'm worried about what will happen when i go back to work. the only solution i can think of is it mom can't get into a nursing home right away,my oldest sister will have to come get her and take her to pennsylvania with her,but i don't if that will affect her getting into a nursing home here...and here is where four of her kids are.
well,this is way too long and i don't even expect many folks to have read this whole thing.i think it's just a good therapeutic distraction for me.
probably right now more than ever it would be good to keep connected to my compadres (and commadres?) on livejournal. i need all the invisible support i can get,along with the saints and angels!
i was going to look up books on saints and angels and stuff by c.s. lewis (particularly a grief observed) and madeleine l'engle (i loved her answer to someone asking if gandhi,as a non-christian, would go to heaven,and she replied something like 'i want go where gandhi went'.)
anyway,i didn't because i didn't end up going to work. which is kind of upsetting.
after eating lunch i had heartburn and so i am getting so sick mentally of getting sick everytime i eat and i'm eating hardly anything,i decided i didn't want to wait until the weekend was over to see if i could get samples of a different proton-pump inhibitor from the dr's office,as the nurse practioner had mentioned i might do that since the aciphex doesn't seem to be working anymore,or at any rate i've been sick for three weeks and i've been taking that for two. strange,because it worked great until i switched to ranitidine.so i switch back and it doesn't seem to work anymore.it took me all day to wait for a nurse to call me back and finally i called them again and they said they hadn't been able to talk to the nurse practioner (they're always busy) and i said well,since you're closing soon,i'm going to come up over on the chance that you can give me some samples. so i did show up in their office. i feel like an idiot because i'm always calling and since they are too busy and take forever to get back to you,i get a bit short...after all,i'm sick,that's why i'm calling.
anyway,they gave me two weeks worth of nexium,but they gave me the high dose of 40 mg rather than 20 mg and does that mean that i will have even LESS stomach acid,because i'm beginning to wonder...my food just sits there after i eat and maybe it's not overacidity and won't cutting down acid more make it worse? unfortunately i cant ask until monday
and then i'll feel like a pest again.
i also need to know if they think the wellbutrin is slowing down my digestion or what. i hate to stop taking it because my life is so hard right now and i think it keeps me from feeling TOTALLY hopeless and suicidal most of the time. i guess i will just have to try the stuff this weekend. i hope i don't feel too crappy. my one real vacation day is going to be sunday...though i have chores to do,i will be by myself for that one day,because my baby sister is going to have my mom stay over her house from sat.night to monday morning,bless her soul.i just hope i'm not sick as a dog because it will be hard to enjoy my solitude! cross all your fingers and toes please!
i ended up blowing off the whole day of work because after feeling sick,waiting all afternoon for a call and feeling depressed about that (i sat in my room for a solid half hour just doing nothing,absolutely nothing,like a zombie,just trying to stay calm but i didn't feel like doing anything at all,i felt so flattened.i had initially hoped i could just swing by the office and pick something up and then i'd just be a little late for work. but after all that,by the time i got the stuff it was 5:00 and i felt mentally drained. i also took mom with me as she asked to go along for the ride,s that's tiring as well.
i'm getting a preview of 'vacation' and it's going to be hard. my mother continually comes over to my bedroom door (i live in my bedroom...it's where my webtv is etc.) and says things i can't understand. she is very confused. she couldn't find my sister's phone number and i had to tell it what it was and of course my sister knows it's mom when mom calls and the only word she can really say is 'yes' but then she was trying to tell my sister something,and i said 'mom,do you want me to talk to michele for you?' so i had mom write down what she wanted to ask and i told my sister. god,this is getting so bad.
i think even the neurologist will be shocked when he sees her on monday. he is going to HAVE to recommend a nursing home even if he can't give a specific diagnosis.
i'm upset about being home because i wanted to tidy things up at work before i went on vacation,but i guess i will have to do my best tomorrow,on a busy saturday. i hate to leave a mess because due to our chronic short staffing (company won't raise payroll unless we have a certain amount of sales,regardless of how much actual work we have to do,and in a large bookstore,there are lots of people making a mess and not buying anything whom we nevertheless have to clean up after.) it will probably become a mess while i'm gone and i'll have to clean it up and my work will be even more stressful after what is probably going to be a stressful vacation next week.
on the one hand,i am glad i am home with mom tonight,because i was afraid to leave her alone,so maybe i am meant to be here.tomorrow she will be alone just for a few hours before my sister picks her up. and i'll be here next week.i suppose i'll need to make sure i get out by myself for short spells for my mental health.but i'm worried about what will happen when i go back to work. the only solution i can think of is it mom can't get into a nursing home right away,my oldest sister will have to come get her and take her to pennsylvania with her,but i don't if that will affect her getting into a nursing home here...and here is where four of her kids are.
well,this is way too long and i don't even expect many folks to have read this whole thing.i think it's just a good therapeutic distraction for me.
no subject
I havent read much Of Lewis' work on grief but I have heard tapes of him from old radio interviews and I found him compelling. I have long used the Narnia series as printed escape from difficult adult living.
no subject
too long????never!!!! carry on please!