bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-22 01:30 am
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-22 01:30 am
even lower
i am extremely depressed. mom is at my sister's until monday. so tomorrow is my big day to myself. but i am having a hard time relaxing and getting worries out of my mind,because they are huge worries. i am afraid i may not even be able to enjoy tomorrow,because when i'm depressed enough,i don't care about anything and can't enjoy anything.
out of desperation,i stopped at walmart on my way home to get some of my favorite ben and jerry's and they were out of stock. i thought that might at least help me get out of bed tomorrow morning. nope,can't even have that solace.
i am terrified about losing my job.i can't leave mom alone,and i don't know who will take care of her. it was even worse when i spoke to my sister and she said she and my other sister were 'going to make a few calls in the next few weeks'. yikes. they don't realize the gravity of the situation. mom is very confused. she shouldn't be left alone. i am hoping the neurologist will say that when she goes on monday,because they'll believe it coming from a doctor's mouth.but i don't have much faith in this doctor...she's been going to him for months and he can't figure out what's wrong and one time he even told my sister that mom's mind was fine. yeah,right,thanks a lot.we know it hasn't been for awhile.
now what am i going to do when i am supposed to go back to work? my sister says i will just have to leave mom alone. she doesn't understand that i can't leave mom alone because i would be risking the lives of other people in the building not to mention lots of dogs and cats. if mom forgot to turn off the coffeepot or a burner...and fires bring down buildings fast...in my last job,the entire inside of the building was gutted due to a faulty refrigerator wire.
and if i dont' go to work,not only do i not getting desperately needed money as well as a chance to keep my sanity,but i may lose my job which would mean losing my insurance and i'm rather sick and need medical care. as well as i don't want to lose this job...for several reasons. i like it,and i will have been there for five years next march,which would mean i would have 3 weeks paid vacation next year,and maybe i'd get a chance to actually relax some day in 2003!
i feel like my sisters are sticking me with this problem. granted,two of them have to work too,but why is it me who has to lose their job and their income just because mom happens to be living with me?
and the only solution i can think of is to ask my sister in pennyslvania to have mom stay with her...she has two kids who need a lot of attention
(they have some developmental challenges) but she also has room in her house and is home with the kids and her husband makes good money,just so mom wouldn't be alone until she gets into a nursing home. my sister said 'what about mom's doctor appointments? her doctor's are here.
well,fat lot of good they are doing her anyway,but why can't she get another dr. in pennsylvania? she's on medicaid,isn't that administrated by the federal government and not the state?
it's all scary. it's scary thinking of what will happen. it's scary to think of having more disagreements with my sisters and it's scary for me to have to ask my sister to take her to pennsylvania.
how the hell can i relax and enjoy my vacation?
things are so bad and i'm so depressed that the suicidal thoughts are back. it's no surprise...i'm under a lot of pressure in a seemingy impossible situation,and i'm a worrier to begin with.
i'm not going to want to get out of bed tomorrow morning. and i just think i am sinking lower and lower...tonight at work i felt like i would really lose it.i was under pressure to get things in decent order before vacation and i worked my butt off and only half succeeded.
and i can't put my worries out of my mind. i was having mild chest pains and i know it's just stress.how much more stress,uncertainty and upheaval can i take?
if i killed myself,someone else would have to take care of my mother,woudnt' they? i had that evil thought out of desperation. but i do want to live,i just don't want my life utterly ruined.i already have a phobia about being homeless because i have so little money and i'm not healthy. so many people fall through the cracks of the system. i would be another statistic.
i really thought i was going to lose my mind once and for all tonight.
i wish i had faith in something,but i guess i don't.
out of desperation,i stopped at walmart on my way home to get some of my favorite ben and jerry's and they were out of stock. i thought that might at least help me get out of bed tomorrow morning. nope,can't even have that solace.
i am terrified about losing my job.i can't leave mom alone,and i don't know who will take care of her. it was even worse when i spoke to my sister and she said she and my other sister were 'going to make a few calls in the next few weeks'. yikes. they don't realize the gravity of the situation. mom is very confused. she shouldn't be left alone. i am hoping the neurologist will say that when she goes on monday,because they'll believe it coming from a doctor's mouth.but i don't have much faith in this doctor...she's been going to him for months and he can't figure out what's wrong and one time he even told my sister that mom's mind was fine. yeah,right,thanks a lot.we know it hasn't been for awhile.
now what am i going to do when i am supposed to go back to work? my sister says i will just have to leave mom alone. she doesn't understand that i can't leave mom alone because i would be risking the lives of other people in the building not to mention lots of dogs and cats. if mom forgot to turn off the coffeepot or a burner...and fires bring down buildings fast...in my last job,the entire inside of the building was gutted due to a faulty refrigerator wire.
and if i dont' go to work,not only do i not getting desperately needed money as well as a chance to keep my sanity,but i may lose my job which would mean losing my insurance and i'm rather sick and need medical care. as well as i don't want to lose this job...for several reasons. i like it,and i will have been there for five years next march,which would mean i would have 3 weeks paid vacation next year,and maybe i'd get a chance to actually relax some day in 2003!
i feel like my sisters are sticking me with this problem. granted,two of them have to work too,but why is it me who has to lose their job and their income just because mom happens to be living with me?
and the only solution i can think of is to ask my sister in pennyslvania to have mom stay with her...she has two kids who need a lot of attention
(they have some developmental challenges) but she also has room in her house and is home with the kids and her husband makes good money,just so mom wouldn't be alone until she gets into a nursing home. my sister said 'what about mom's doctor appointments? her doctor's are here.
well,fat lot of good they are doing her anyway,but why can't she get another dr. in pennsylvania? she's on medicaid,isn't that administrated by the federal government and not the state?
it's all scary. it's scary thinking of what will happen. it's scary to think of having more disagreements with my sisters and it's scary for me to have to ask my sister to take her to pennsylvania.
how the hell can i relax and enjoy my vacation?
things are so bad and i'm so depressed that the suicidal thoughts are back. it's no surprise...i'm under a lot of pressure in a seemingy impossible situation,and i'm a worrier to begin with.
i'm not going to want to get out of bed tomorrow morning. and i just think i am sinking lower and lower...tonight at work i felt like i would really lose it.i was under pressure to get things in decent order before vacation and i worked my butt off and only half succeeded.
and i can't put my worries out of my mind. i was having mild chest pains and i know it's just stress.how much more stress,uncertainty and upheaval can i take?
if i killed myself,someone else would have to take care of my mother,woudnt' they? i had that evil thought out of desperation. but i do want to live,i just don't want my life utterly ruined.i already have a phobia about being homeless because i have so little money and i'm not healthy. so many people fall through the cracks of the system. i would be another statistic.
i really thought i was going to lose my mind once and for all tonight.
i wish i had faith in something,but i guess i don't.
no subject
i am thinking of you..*gentle hugs*
.
no subject
my thoughts: don't consider if you want sacrifice your job and income or not...please don't!!!
it's now your sisters turn to take over care for mother for a while...perhaps you will stand more disagreement with your sisters better than you can imagine...for sure you will stand it better then to carry the whole burden alone
that's a weak argument your sister in pennsylvania has with the doctors appointments...that means: she has not given you a no, it sounds like she knows in a way that she or another sister should take over now...