bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2012-09-17 11:25 am
bluegreen17) wrote2012-09-17 11:25 am
(no subject)
once in a while i feel like a human being rather than a human retreating in pain,confusion,misery or whatever. it usually doesn't last long,but i try to enjoy these little interludes. don't tell my ornery brain cells,but this morning is a lovely fall morning and i've gone to the library and took out books because my brain is feeling optimistic rather than realistic about my reading skills. or more specificly,my capacity for concentration and focus. plus,you never know. i always allow a tiny space for hope,but too much is counterproductive for me. i borrowed two novels that are on my mental book list, 'ender's game',by orson scott card and 'infinite jest' by david foster wallace. i think i might be able to enjoy the latter as long as i don't try too hard to comprehend it. last year i read his 'the pale king' and loved it. comprehension in reading is not my strong point,but on the other hand some of it does sink in.
a lot of the time,the anticipation of a thing is better than the thing itself. even the scientists are suspecting so lately,saying that dopamine,the so-called reward chemical that i usually don't have enough of,in my opinion,is not set off by actually getting something,but from anticipating it.* ah,well,the brain is a mysterious inner space,and i think it might be as infinite as outer space. i'm so afraid of boredom because what lies underneath is a chaotic and not very good feeling system in my brain most of the time. now i can understand why mom used distraction when dealing with me so often. it worked much of the time. it didn't get to the root of my problems,but mom didn't know what those problems were either. i have a better understanding of the root of my problems now,but i still use distraction much of the time to cope with my brain that is not in sync with the civilization i live in. or something like that.
just my amateur musings.
i called to have an absentee ballot sent to me,and the woman seemed rather annoyed to have to mail it. she said i could print it off the internet,but i told her i didn't have a printer. i could probably have done it at the library,but i didn't think of it until i was off the phone. anyway,i shouldn't take it personally because she is probably just one more of the workforce that is overemployed,in the sense of being expected to do more than was once expected but in a shorter amount of time,and not being paid more,so that a certain segment of society can save money. yes,i'm a liberal about most things...did you guess? ha.
i've probably used up all my energy for today,so i will probably have to wait until tomorrow to do my laundry. but maybe i can get myself to take out some garbage on such a nice day. my brain is still being irrational,see.
*which is why i bought the fall preview issue of tv guide. anticipating all the new shows is usually more fun than watching them. strangely enough,i've rather enjoyed watching the tail end of the season of hawaii five o.
_________
update 2:30 pm i took a bag of trash out. yay! and also a teeny tiny walk...five minutes or so. now i feel i will crash soon.
a lot of the time,the anticipation of a thing is better than the thing itself. even the scientists are suspecting so lately,saying that dopamine,the so-called reward chemical that i usually don't have enough of,in my opinion,is not set off by actually getting something,but from anticipating it.* ah,well,the brain is a mysterious inner space,and i think it might be as infinite as outer space. i'm so afraid of boredom because what lies underneath is a chaotic and not very good feeling system in my brain most of the time. now i can understand why mom used distraction when dealing with me so often. it worked much of the time. it didn't get to the root of my problems,but mom didn't know what those problems were either. i have a better understanding of the root of my problems now,but i still use distraction much of the time to cope with my brain that is not in sync with the civilization i live in. or something like that.
just my amateur musings.
i called to have an absentee ballot sent to me,and the woman seemed rather annoyed to have to mail it. she said i could print it off the internet,but i told her i didn't have a printer. i could probably have done it at the library,but i didn't think of it until i was off the phone. anyway,i shouldn't take it personally because she is probably just one more of the workforce that is overemployed,in the sense of being expected to do more than was once expected but in a shorter amount of time,and not being paid more,so that a certain segment of society can save money. yes,i'm a liberal about most things...did you guess? ha.
i've probably used up all my energy for today,so i will probably have to wait until tomorrow to do my laundry. but maybe i can get myself to take out some garbage on such a nice day. my brain is still being irrational,see.
*which is why i bought the fall preview issue of tv guide. anticipating all the new shows is usually more fun than watching them. strangely enough,i've rather enjoyed watching the tail end of the season of hawaii five o.
_________
update 2:30 pm i took a bag of trash out. yay! and also a teeny tiny walk...five minutes or so. now i feel i will crash soon.
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:-)