bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2012-12-31 03:24 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2012-12-31 03:24 pm
trying to stop my avoidance games,and it's not easy,but hopefully will pay off in the long run.
i'm trying to avoid playing games online,because they tend to suck away my days. my favorites are cityville and sims social. i have fun playing them,but have trouble stopping. then the day is over and i have done nothing,and that feels bad. in a way,though,it seems like all i have the energy for most of the time. i miss reading,but very little holds my attention. this has been a long standing problem of a few years after many years of enjoyable reading.
last night i dreamt that i went with a small group to a school reunion at the place where we had our class trip. it wasn't much fun,because playing volleyball or other sports were no longer an option for me,and the other thing i enjoyed on my class trip was falling for the cute college guys that worked at the resort. that sort of thing doesn't quite fill up my days anymore.
so,in life we probably lose things. and hopefully learn to appreciate what we still have. i do have my blessings,but i still feel like i want to find more meaning in my life,even if i have hardly any energy. maybe i need to tolerate the long bouts in between the sweet spots. well,i can do that and i do do that. what's really difficult is using energy borrowed from the future...doing something difficult because it must be done,so my adrenaline kicks in...and then feeling awful for days afterward. it's really difficult just to do dishes,and i was thrilled today to find i had a clean fork for my lunch. sad,but funny too. right now i guess i am terrified because i will eventually have to move to subsidized housing (IF it still exists,that is) because i am running out of money and i have no idea WHERE i will get the energy to do that,when just picking up the phone or going to the grocery store seems like it takes all my spoons for a day.
sorry for the gloom. this is what happens when i don't hide in my games,but i also know i can't keep doing that,because things will just get worse if i don't try to stop avoiding things. i'd like to come up with a feasible plan for my life.
i think i have a bit of postapocalypitical depression. i'm still here,so now what do i do? well,happy new year everyone. i'm gonna try to find something to do this evening that does not involve playing online games or eating too much sugar. wish me luck! i'm going to go out and buy a small treat,just not a whole package of something.
last night i dreamt that i went with a small group to a school reunion at the place where we had our class trip. it wasn't much fun,because playing volleyball or other sports were no longer an option for me,and the other thing i enjoyed on my class trip was falling for the cute college guys that worked at the resort. that sort of thing doesn't quite fill up my days anymore.
so,in life we probably lose things. and hopefully learn to appreciate what we still have. i do have my blessings,but i still feel like i want to find more meaning in my life,even if i have hardly any energy. maybe i need to tolerate the long bouts in between the sweet spots. well,i can do that and i do do that. what's really difficult is using energy borrowed from the future...doing something difficult because it must be done,so my adrenaline kicks in...and then feeling awful for days afterward. it's really difficult just to do dishes,and i was thrilled today to find i had a clean fork for my lunch. sad,but funny too. right now i guess i am terrified because i will eventually have to move to subsidized housing (IF it still exists,that is) because i am running out of money and i have no idea WHERE i will get the energy to do that,when just picking up the phone or going to the grocery store seems like it takes all my spoons for a day.
sorry for the gloom. this is what happens when i don't hide in my games,but i also know i can't keep doing that,because things will just get worse if i don't try to stop avoiding things. i'd like to come up with a feasible plan for my life.
i think i have a bit of postapocalypitical depression. i'm still here,so now what do i do? well,happy new year everyone. i'm gonna try to find something to do this evening that does not involve playing online games or eating too much sugar. wish me luck! i'm going to go out and buy a small treat,just not a whole package of something.