bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-27 07:15 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-27 07:15 pm
world weary on a rainy day
i'm weary. that's a much more romantic word than 'tired'. nevertheless,i am.
went to the natural foods store and the supermarket with mom and when i got back,i felt exhausted. not so much physically,but definitely psychologically. and it only got worse after that.
oh,i'm okay,but not great right now.
last night,after having a little high with my solo road trip and then having time to myself,i started feeling down. part of it was certainly the business of dealing with my mother's failing mind. i got an email from my sister concerning the nursing home search and sent an email back discussing that. i dread getting emails from her only because it's more stuff to do with my mom and more stuff to do,period.
so,when i hit the sack last night,i was kinda blue. then i also had trouble sleeping and on top of that,my stomach discomfort,which sometimes goes away over time,did not let up last night. i suppose i wouldnt have noticed it so much if i had been able to fall asleep and though my stomach didn't feel good i don't think it was bad enough to keep me awake,so i'm not sure why i didn't sleep for hours and hours.
the good thing was that we've been getting a steady rain and i stayed in bed until noontime,drifting in and out of sleep with that lulling background and the train whistle in the distance (sounds so...i think the word is pastoral). i didn't want to get out of bed,but having gone to bed at 2,by noontime ten hours later my back starts to hurt,so i can never stay in bed more than 10 hours which i suppose is a good thing in a way. i simply didn't want to get out of bed this morning,but the achey back did it for me.
i suppose this vacation,being home so much,mom being really needy,and that sort of thing is wearing me down.hardly talked to anyone except my sister sara yesterday and the librarians and my other sister on the phone briefly,along with the difficult conversations with mom,since she can barely talk and uses the reusable message board i got her the other day,so it's sort of a guessing game communicating with my mother. it must be so frustrating for her,being misunderstood literally so often.
tonight was really sad. mom asking me if it was michele's idea to put her in a nursing home. michele is my sister who has done the most and has power of attorney. i can never repay her for how much she has done for our mother. i asked mom if she was upset with michele,and she said yes. i feel bad because michele is very sensitive yet she's had to deal with mom a lot with dr. appointments,always advocating for my mom but my mom kind of pins things on her,like the nursing home. so i tried to explain to her that no,we all made the decision together because we want her to be safe. well,my mom is stuck on the idea of getting an apartment and so anyway i spent quite a bit of time trying to clarify things for mom but i know she is very upset and i feel bad.i told her she's had a rough time of it lately...leaving her job due to illness,losing her voice,not being allowed to drive anymore and now this.i told her it doesn't mean we don't love her,but she cant' be alone and we are not able to be with her all the time.
i even appealed to her faith. i think she has a good faith in god and that is a comfort to her. so i said,mom,maybe this is what was meant to be so you wouldn't be living in an apartment by yourself. you'll be with people in a nursing home and it would be good for you. living here with me now she is alone a lot (or has been; from now on we wont' be leaving her alone for any long period of time in case she forgets to turn off the coffeepot or a burner.) as i'm away for about 50 hours a week working full-time and commuting. and i'm lousy company for her. i need time with interesting people (and occasionally that happens at work) and i come home and i want alone time,and it's hard to force myself to spend time with her when i have so little time to myself.so i'm not very good about it.
anyway,it really made me feel bad to see her upset and knowing how unfair life has been to her for the last several years,and the fact that she has almost no money or income and none of her kids have much to spare.
my dad is comfortable but he never quite got over my mother divorcing him,and he had a better attorney than she did,because she got the house,which i don't think she got much for when she sold it...but she got no part of his pension and that wasn't fair because she raised five children and worked off and on when it was just lise and i but stayed home full-time once michele arrived.
so,she does not have much social security income either. homemakers get screwed...i hope someone comes up with a remedy for that.
so,even though i tried not to because i know it upsets her,i started crying and then she just closed off into her little protective shell and i felt bad that i scared her like that.
i also got another email from my sister who was rather discouraged after spending all day working on stuff for mom along with her other things to do,like the usual stuff you do when you have three kids and do the personnel stuff for your husband's business. she found out that it takes a long time for people who have only medicaid to get into nursing homes. so one more reason that life isn't fair when the lack of money makes life more difficult for you. she's looking into getting help from a social worker,but mom's doctor was supposed to call her about that and of course,hasn't called.
i'm glad it has rained all day...sort of suited my mood.
went to the natural foods store and the supermarket with mom and when i got back,i felt exhausted. not so much physically,but definitely psychologically. and it only got worse after that.
oh,i'm okay,but not great right now.
last night,after having a little high with my solo road trip and then having time to myself,i started feeling down. part of it was certainly the business of dealing with my mother's failing mind. i got an email from my sister concerning the nursing home search and sent an email back discussing that. i dread getting emails from her only because it's more stuff to do with my mom and more stuff to do,period.
so,when i hit the sack last night,i was kinda blue. then i also had trouble sleeping and on top of that,my stomach discomfort,which sometimes goes away over time,did not let up last night. i suppose i wouldnt have noticed it so much if i had been able to fall asleep and though my stomach didn't feel good i don't think it was bad enough to keep me awake,so i'm not sure why i didn't sleep for hours and hours.
the good thing was that we've been getting a steady rain and i stayed in bed until noontime,drifting in and out of sleep with that lulling background and the train whistle in the distance (sounds so...i think the word is pastoral). i didn't want to get out of bed,but having gone to bed at 2,by noontime ten hours later my back starts to hurt,so i can never stay in bed more than 10 hours which i suppose is a good thing in a way. i simply didn't want to get out of bed this morning,but the achey back did it for me.
i suppose this vacation,being home so much,mom being really needy,and that sort of thing is wearing me down.hardly talked to anyone except my sister sara yesterday and the librarians and my other sister on the phone briefly,along with the difficult conversations with mom,since she can barely talk and uses the reusable message board i got her the other day,so it's sort of a guessing game communicating with my mother. it must be so frustrating for her,being misunderstood literally so often.
tonight was really sad. mom asking me if it was michele's idea to put her in a nursing home. michele is my sister who has done the most and has power of attorney. i can never repay her for how much she has done for our mother. i asked mom if she was upset with michele,and she said yes. i feel bad because michele is very sensitive yet she's had to deal with mom a lot with dr. appointments,always advocating for my mom but my mom kind of pins things on her,like the nursing home. so i tried to explain to her that no,we all made the decision together because we want her to be safe. well,my mom is stuck on the idea of getting an apartment and so anyway i spent quite a bit of time trying to clarify things for mom but i know she is very upset and i feel bad.i told her she's had a rough time of it lately...leaving her job due to illness,losing her voice,not being allowed to drive anymore and now this.i told her it doesn't mean we don't love her,but she cant' be alone and we are not able to be with her all the time.
i even appealed to her faith. i think she has a good faith in god and that is a comfort to her. so i said,mom,maybe this is what was meant to be so you wouldn't be living in an apartment by yourself. you'll be with people in a nursing home and it would be good for you. living here with me now she is alone a lot (or has been; from now on we wont' be leaving her alone for any long period of time in case she forgets to turn off the coffeepot or a burner.) as i'm away for about 50 hours a week working full-time and commuting. and i'm lousy company for her. i need time with interesting people (and occasionally that happens at work) and i come home and i want alone time,and it's hard to force myself to spend time with her when i have so little time to myself.so i'm not very good about it.
anyway,it really made me feel bad to see her upset and knowing how unfair life has been to her for the last several years,and the fact that she has almost no money or income and none of her kids have much to spare.
my dad is comfortable but he never quite got over my mother divorcing him,and he had a better attorney than she did,because she got the house,which i don't think she got much for when she sold it...but she got no part of his pension and that wasn't fair because she raised five children and worked off and on when it was just lise and i but stayed home full-time once michele arrived.
so,she does not have much social security income either. homemakers get screwed...i hope someone comes up with a remedy for that.
so,even though i tried not to because i know it upsets her,i started crying and then she just closed off into her little protective shell and i felt bad that i scared her like that.
i also got another email from my sister who was rather discouraged after spending all day working on stuff for mom along with her other things to do,like the usual stuff you do when you have three kids and do the personnel stuff for your husband's business. she found out that it takes a long time for people who have only medicaid to get into nursing homes. so one more reason that life isn't fair when the lack of money makes life more difficult for you. she's looking into getting help from a social worker,but mom's doctor was supposed to call her about that and of course,hasn't called.
i'm glad it has rained all day...sort of suited my mood.
no subject
Marshall told me someone's trying to pass a law about this very issue. You'd have to do a websearch for it since I have no idea where he read this at but I thought you'd be interested.
no subject