pondering death by neglect or intention...too much alfred hitchcock hour?

[bluegreen17]

i have been having abandonment issues,but that's different than paranoia that someone is out to kill me. i'm not important enough to kill,which i guess has its upside. the downside is that it is easy to kill people with neglect, but i'm betting that my conservative sisters are not that kind of repubs. my brain keeps telling me i'm wrong,but that's my brain,which is making me forget how much they love me. i think,anyway! my therapist pointed this out to me the other day. i am going through a wrongly sensitive phase right now i think.

birthday thoughts and cards are very important to me,and i justify not being good with them myself by saying that people should understand and remember i live alone,and birthday cards loom largely to me,so more effort needs to and can be made,whereas my efforts are like lifting huge boulders. i told her i sent my sister's father-in-law,whom i think is a nice man,and recently had a fall and had to got the hospital and now is doing rehab, a card and she seemed unimpressed. whereas for me,it was a huge effort and undertaking and she apparently didn't get that. i feel like i have to help people understand my viewpoint. that i probably shouldn't expect it,except maybe from my therapist,who usually does try.

okay...so,i think i'm gonna eat some breakfast. i just had a chat with sunny and she was starting to look bored,because of course it's really just a monologue. i'm hungry.

Comments

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

A "wrongly sensitive phase." Oh man, my name's all over that. I get into those places where I'm sure everyone dislikes me, etc. etc. It's very hard to reason oneself out of it.

Did you find something nice to eat? To share with Sunny? :)

[bluegreen17]

oh,i had some pasta,cheese,and veggies...a frozen dinner,but good. sunny just had her usual! thanks for sharing your empathy!

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

You bet! And I'm the same way about finding birthdays very important. When is your b-day, btw? Was it today?!

[bluegreen17]

no,it wasn't today. i'd probably be even more angsty if it was. it's the 17th. all my birth month means to be lately is that i have to have my car registered and inspected! one more hassle requiring time and money. geez,i'm a sad sack. i've had my ups and downs in life...i hope there is at least a little bit of up left!

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

I hope so too! And I'll try to remember on the 17th. (I had checked at FB, but your b-day isn't listed there.)

[bluegreen17]

i actually don't put my correct full birthdate anywhere on the internet. it's too much of an identifier,so at least the bots won't grab it. that might be dumb; i don't know. i'll probably mention on tumblr anyway when it happens. i might be whining,but who knows,maybe i won't be.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

That's prudent, actually. I've been careless at Tumblr about telling where I live, what neighborhood, what my birthday is, etc., and Tumblr's entirely public. Oh well. Mom used to say, "Too soon old; too late smart." :D

[bluegreen17]

i hate that the world is at it is,and i even have to think about those things. i just like to share,you know? but it's not always easy to know where to draw the lines. i'm good about some things,and lax about others. gotta live too though! the thing about tumblr is that we don't have to use our real names,so that makes it nice. i share more on tumblr and livejournal...though i use filters sometimes...than i do with my real name facebook.