bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-29 03:07 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-29 03:07 pm
mom sitting and drugs
well,let's see. i'm sitting here near my open window and i think i'm hearing a squirrel in the tree outside,though it sounds a bit like a bird! oops,it stopped. must have known i was gossiping about 'em.
my sister sara has been swell lately.
not only did she have mom and my sister from boston (rachel) over last weekend,which gave me a day to myself,but she also came over yesterday,took mom out,and took mom out for breakfast and lunch today. so when mom was in the bathroom,i asked her isnt that expensive taking mom out? and she said yeah,a couple of times they've used a bit of mom's money,and she is having similar financial challenges to me. she needs to look for a second job too (or get a roommate i suppose...right now she only lives with sunny the cat who's sweet and charming (odd for a cat...she looks at you with those big eyes just like a puppy and whenever she meets someone new,she jumps on their lap. definitely doglike,except when she feels like ignoring you. maybe she's a gemini and gets bored with the same old people,though my sister is actually a very interesting person. i say that of course because she and i have similar interests and some dissimilar) but a lazy freeloader.
but right now she can't work weekends because she will have mom with her most of it.my sister michele will have mom with her tues-friday,then over to sara's until sunday afternoon perhaps...that way sara and i will sort of split the weekend. she'll have sunday evening to herself and i'll have sunday morning to myself (too bad i'll sleep through most of my alone time,but that's not her fault!) i am surprised that she will do that much,that's a lot for her too and i appreciate it. so we'll be splitting the weekends i think,if she doesnt mind keeping mom with her through lunchtime on sunday.
actually mom was in the bathroom again so we talked about it further just now. she said we can probably vary it a bit too so each of us gets a little more time some weekends,which is fine with me.my sister rachel will probably come up some weekends to give my sister sara a break...maybe those will be the weekends that she'll have mom with her a little longer so i have more time to myself. i'm actually getting more time to myself than i've had when i used to have a couple of hours to myself on monday afternoons when mom was still working. of course,she wasn't needy then and she could drive herself places. this will work for now until my brother-in-law has to have chemo,and then i hope my sister from pennysylvania will do some pitching in then. i just hope my mother doesn't deteriorate too quickly. i don't think i could deal with diapers,though i know some dear people who have done and are doing that,and i think you're more stalwat than i am,sweeties! but i will try not to think too far ahead.
i was mad at myself last night because i spent some time with mom and she showed me old diplomas,stuff like that. and then i went off into my room and later on she came in and, don't know,i think she was literally invading my space,because i have just BEGUN to make inroads in my obsessive compulsive worries and behavior since i started on the wellbutrin (it's actually not supposed to help ocd,but i don't think i have classic ocd. i think it's from anxieties and need for control because of the depression which is in turn caused by the attention difference...i'm not even going to call it a disorder,dammit!..which is only a problem because of how our society is presently structured. so there,society is the cause of my ocd,but only i can remedy it. and so since the wellbutrin helps my mind to work in a way more conducive to living in this society,i can think more in a way that works in my current life,thus reducing some of the anxiety caused by being a square peg in a round hole. so i guess the wellbutrin turns me 'round'. ha ha.
hopefully not too round though,but since i think i'm going to have to cut out eating chocolate again because of my stomach,maybe not. the wellbutrin has actually helped me to do less 'emotional eating' and so i can see why it helps people quit smoking. i want to do more research on how it works on the dopamine and neorephine (sp?) in the brain as i find that fascinating. for one thing,now i have more dopamine in my brain and in this situation,it has made life a teeny bit easier for me.
it is giving me some trouble sleeping but that's probably preferable to constant despair and suicidal thoughts and feelings.
oops.speaking of round,now i've got te get round to the incident with mom last night. i just kind of snapped at her when she came in my room and started poking around,because i don't like family members touching my stuff because of my ocd,and it's not like i've eradicated my ocd but i have made some inroads. so i snapped at her and said 'i just want to be alone!' (well,at least it wasn't 'just leave me alone' which would have sounded like a more personal direct attack at her) nevertheless,i felt badly and apologized to her if i hurt her feelings. i just wish i hadn't snapped like that,but i guess i shouldn't beat myself up and should remember all the good things i've down with and for her this week.
i know i will probably feel pretty low when i wake up tuesday morning. not just because i will be going back to work,which i am actually looking forward to in some ways (though dreading in others...my department is probably going to be an awful mess and i've got to expect that since we're short staffed chronically). i am always low on tuesday morning because i never feel like i've gotten enough done on the weekend and it will be even worse after ive been home for a week and gotten hardly anything accomplished! but i must remind myself that my duties and chores have just been added to because of my mother's difficulties,and i have actually done fairly well. i think i could try to get in the habit of a tuesday morning pep talk to myself!
my sister sara has been swell lately.
not only did she have mom and my sister from boston (rachel) over last weekend,which gave me a day to myself,but she also came over yesterday,took mom out,and took mom out for breakfast and lunch today. so when mom was in the bathroom,i asked her isnt that expensive taking mom out? and she said yeah,a couple of times they've used a bit of mom's money,and she is having similar financial challenges to me. she needs to look for a second job too (or get a roommate i suppose...right now she only lives with sunny the cat who's sweet and charming (odd for a cat...she looks at you with those big eyes just like a puppy and whenever she meets someone new,she jumps on their lap. definitely doglike,except when she feels like ignoring you. maybe she's a gemini and gets bored with the same old people,though my sister is actually a very interesting person. i say that of course because she and i have similar interests and some dissimilar) but a lazy freeloader.
but right now she can't work weekends because she will have mom with her most of it.my sister michele will have mom with her tues-friday,then over to sara's until sunday afternoon perhaps...that way sara and i will sort of split the weekend. she'll have sunday evening to herself and i'll have sunday morning to myself (too bad i'll sleep through most of my alone time,but that's not her fault!) i am surprised that she will do that much,that's a lot for her too and i appreciate it. so we'll be splitting the weekends i think,if she doesnt mind keeping mom with her through lunchtime on sunday.
actually mom was in the bathroom again so we talked about it further just now. she said we can probably vary it a bit too so each of us gets a little more time some weekends,which is fine with me.my sister rachel will probably come up some weekends to give my sister sara a break...maybe those will be the weekends that she'll have mom with her a little longer so i have more time to myself. i'm actually getting more time to myself than i've had when i used to have a couple of hours to myself on monday afternoons when mom was still working. of course,she wasn't needy then and she could drive herself places. this will work for now until my brother-in-law has to have chemo,and then i hope my sister from pennysylvania will do some pitching in then. i just hope my mother doesn't deteriorate too quickly. i don't think i could deal with diapers,though i know some dear people who have done and are doing that,and i think you're more stalwat than i am,sweeties! but i will try not to think too far ahead.
i was mad at myself last night because i spent some time with mom and she showed me old diplomas,stuff like that. and then i went off into my room and later on she came in and, don't know,i think she was literally invading my space,because i have just BEGUN to make inroads in my obsessive compulsive worries and behavior since i started on the wellbutrin (it's actually not supposed to help ocd,but i don't think i have classic ocd. i think it's from anxieties and need for control because of the depression which is in turn caused by the attention difference...i'm not even going to call it a disorder,dammit!..which is only a problem because of how our society is presently structured. so there,society is the cause of my ocd,but only i can remedy it. and so since the wellbutrin helps my mind to work in a way more conducive to living in this society,i can think more in a way that works in my current life,thus reducing some of the anxiety caused by being a square peg in a round hole. so i guess the wellbutrin turns me 'round'. ha ha.
hopefully not too round though,but since i think i'm going to have to cut out eating chocolate again because of my stomach,maybe not. the wellbutrin has actually helped me to do less 'emotional eating' and so i can see why it helps people quit smoking. i want to do more research on how it works on the dopamine and neorephine (sp?) in the brain as i find that fascinating. for one thing,now i have more dopamine in my brain and in this situation,it has made life a teeny bit easier for me.
it is giving me some trouble sleeping but that's probably preferable to constant despair and suicidal thoughts and feelings.
oops.speaking of round,now i've got te get round to the incident with mom last night. i just kind of snapped at her when she came in my room and started poking around,because i don't like family members touching my stuff because of my ocd,and it's not like i've eradicated my ocd but i have made some inroads. so i snapped at her and said 'i just want to be alone!' (well,at least it wasn't 'just leave me alone' which would have sounded like a more personal direct attack at her) nevertheless,i felt badly and apologized to her if i hurt her feelings. i just wish i hadn't snapped like that,but i guess i shouldn't beat myself up and should remember all the good things i've down with and for her this week.
i know i will probably feel pretty low when i wake up tuesday morning. not just because i will be going back to work,which i am actually looking forward to in some ways (though dreading in others...my department is probably going to be an awful mess and i've got to expect that since we're short staffed chronically). i am always low on tuesday morning because i never feel like i've gotten enough done on the weekend and it will be even worse after ive been home for a week and gotten hardly anything accomplished! but i must remind myself that my duties and chores have just been added to because of my mother's difficulties,and i have actually done fairly well. i think i could try to get in the habit of a tuesday morning pep talk to myself!