bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-10-14 12:18 am
bluegreen17) wrote2002-10-14 12:18 am
chocolate and the afterlife
i really want a ben and jerry's chocolate frozen yogurt with chocolate brownies and choc chip cookie dough in it really bad right now...fortunately i don't have one in the house,or it would be gone.
i'm not abstaining for silly reasons. it's because it causes heartburn for several days when i eat it...that's how sensitive my stomach is. and this i have to confess.i stayed away from chocolate (which,yes i crave...and i found out from giving it up for two weeks that unlike other things i've stopped eating or drinking...i used to be a pepsi addict and now i don't even like the stuff...i still crave it) for a week or two...i can't remember when i last ate it...but i went to work on saturday and the nice little french lady who usually brings us in yummy treats had brought in her chocolate brownies. chocolate brownies are one of my favorite things in the world, and hers are the best. she hadn't brought any in in months,to my disappointment,because i've been eating chocolate most of the time. and there was no way in bloody hell i was going to pass it up. so,yeah,i ate one. and of course my stomach has been yucky. the most annoying and disturbing thing about all this is that my stomach flips out even though i'm taking a strong medication that cuts out 80% of my stomach acid,or at least it's supposed to.
today was a really tough day. first,it was a long visit with the twins. they're sweet,they're kids but i guess i'm an old lady,and i felt exhausted listening to their loud voices.
my mom has a bad cough that has gotten progressively worse.tonight it was so bad she had trouble breathing and she started crying. i felt so terrible. so i brought her to the emergency room at the local medical center. my sister has taken her to the doctor's for this cough and the doctor couldn't find a reason for it.
well,it turns out she has the beginning stages of emphasema. in a way it isn't surprising,since she smoked from age 13 or 14 until she was 60 when she quit because of her heart. but it's so sad that she has one more medical problem...she has so many already. she takes 7 or 8 medications and now she has to use an inhaler four times a day that has medicine that should help her lungs.
i don't consider my mom old. and she was working full-time until last january when she started having slurred speech and spaciness at work and we thought she was having a stroke so i drove her to the emergency room and they said it wasn't that,but they didn't know what it was. now she can hardly talk intelligly at all,and she has progressive dementia.
my sister has taken her to tons of appointments with a neurologist and he never figured out what was wrong.
i've found myself wishing lately that she would die in her sleep peacefully so she wouldn't have to keep living such a difficult life.but of course that is not my decision. i hope there really is a heaven and someday she will get to see her dad and mom and sister again.her dad died when she was sixteen and they were extremely close. my grandmother lived to be 84 and died of pleurisy. and my cousin,who was a respiratory technician at the hospital she was in,said she asked who the man was who was sitting on the edge of her bed.
well,he didn't see anyone. but i think she did. i think it was my grandfather sam whom i've never met who was meeting her to guide her to the other side.
geez,that made me cry buckets.i hope he stops by to pick up his little girl,my mom,someday when it's her time to go.
i'm not abstaining for silly reasons. it's because it causes heartburn for several days when i eat it...that's how sensitive my stomach is. and this i have to confess.i stayed away from chocolate (which,yes i crave...and i found out from giving it up for two weeks that unlike other things i've stopped eating or drinking...i used to be a pepsi addict and now i don't even like the stuff...i still crave it) for a week or two...i can't remember when i last ate it...but i went to work on saturday and the nice little french lady who usually brings us in yummy treats had brought in her chocolate brownies. chocolate brownies are one of my favorite things in the world, and hers are the best. she hadn't brought any in in months,to my disappointment,because i've been eating chocolate most of the time. and there was no way in bloody hell i was going to pass it up. so,yeah,i ate one. and of course my stomach has been yucky. the most annoying and disturbing thing about all this is that my stomach flips out even though i'm taking a strong medication that cuts out 80% of my stomach acid,or at least it's supposed to.
today was a really tough day. first,it was a long visit with the twins. they're sweet,they're kids but i guess i'm an old lady,and i felt exhausted listening to their loud voices.
my mom has a bad cough that has gotten progressively worse.tonight it was so bad she had trouble breathing and she started crying. i felt so terrible. so i brought her to the emergency room at the local medical center. my sister has taken her to the doctor's for this cough and the doctor couldn't find a reason for it.
well,it turns out she has the beginning stages of emphasema. in a way it isn't surprising,since she smoked from age 13 or 14 until she was 60 when she quit because of her heart. but it's so sad that she has one more medical problem...she has so many already. she takes 7 or 8 medications and now she has to use an inhaler four times a day that has medicine that should help her lungs.
i don't consider my mom old. and she was working full-time until last january when she started having slurred speech and spaciness at work and we thought she was having a stroke so i drove her to the emergency room and they said it wasn't that,but they didn't know what it was. now she can hardly talk intelligly at all,and she has progressive dementia.
my sister has taken her to tons of appointments with a neurologist and he never figured out what was wrong.
i've found myself wishing lately that she would die in her sleep peacefully so she wouldn't have to keep living such a difficult life.but of course that is not my decision. i hope there really is a heaven and someday she will get to see her dad and mom and sister again.her dad died when she was sixteen and they were extremely close. my grandmother lived to be 84 and died of pleurisy. and my cousin,who was a respiratory technician at the hospital she was in,said she asked who the man was who was sitting on the edge of her bed.
well,he didn't see anyone. but i think she did. i think it was my grandfather sam whom i've never met who was meeting her to guide her to the other side.
geez,that made me cry buckets.i hope he stops by to pick up his little girl,my mom,someday when it's her time to go.