bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-10-22 12:31 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-10-22 12:31 pm
waking up happy! ('tis a miracle!)
i was just reminded by a noise outside my window that it's leaf blowing season! arghhh! is there any purpose at all in using one other than making lots of noise,using up fossil fuels,giving off fumes,and taking a longer time to do the job so you get paid more?
anyway...
i must say it is so nice to wake up in the morning and not be horribly depressed. before i started taking wellbutrin,most mornings were bad,but tuesday morning was the worst. it was because i'd wake up and hate myself for all the things i didn't get done over the weekend. now i don't get much more done,though sometimes a little more due to not being depressed all the time,but i don't feel so bad about it.
in fact,yesterday i had a totally self indulgent day and i felt a little guilty about it.this weekend i had the whole place to myself since my mother is in the hospital. she isn't there for any acute condition. she's there because we need to find out what is wrong with her once and for all if possible.my sister has been taking her to appointments all over the place since last winter and still no answers.(mom has gradually lost her speech...it's garbled now and she can't say many words,as well as forgetting things like how to use the atm and her kids phone numbers,and doing things that just lack social decorum,that if she was in her right mind she wouldn't do.i wont go into details.)
mom and i have shared an apartment for the last ten years or so,and prior to that i lived alone and loved it.however,due to several factors i ended up sharing this place with my mother.
right now i miss my mother,in more ways than one,and i don't think she'll ever be back as my mom.my sisters and i talked about this the other day...it's hard to explain to other people,but it's like how it would be if she just died...she is no longer there except her body is still functioning.it's a weird kind of grief to experience and you don't get the empathy or sympathy you would from others if her body was physically gone.
i feel a little guilty about enjoying being alone here,but it's not like i did something to my mother so i'd be able to live alone,and i would have chosen that she'd be happy and healthy and still living here with me rather than being alone even though i love it and knowing she is not healthy and not happy and not settled and comfortable right now.we are hoping the social worker will help us get her settled in a good nursing home,so she has the care she needs which we can no longer give her.she also has emphysema and sometimes has breathing problems so she really needs to be somewhere where someone is looking out for her 24 hours a day,and none of us kids can stay awake 24 hours a day to take care of her.i hope she is able to be sociable with people because she's kind of isolated herself except for being with family for awhile.
yesterday morning i got a call from the garage and it turned out i needed new front brakes and my coolant to be flushed in addition to the oil change and tire rotation i had requested,so what i thought would be a $50 maintenance job turned out to be a $500 one.that was pretty shocking and i think that's why i just totally babied myself the rest of the day.
i had lunch with dad and had a tuna melt and indulged in french fries,which i usually don't do.i told dad about my car expense and how mom is in the hospital.it's kind of strange,because a while ago dad said he would help me by paying half of the rent but he hasn't mentioned it since.i feel funny about it,but on the other hand,dad has enough money to live on and then some,and can afford to help me.he's not rich,but he is comfortable financially.
well,i guess hinting around won't work,so i'll either have to ask him outright if he still wants to help me,or just drop it altogether and right now i'm leaning towards dropping it. i don't really feel good about accepting help from dad and he doesn't owe me anything. i don't want him to think i'm a golddigger daughter who only bothers with him because he has a little money.my friendship with dad is important.i started having lunch with him every other week out of sense of obligation since he doesn't have any other regular ties with family these days,except on holidays and birthdays and other times at random. eventually i have gotten to look forward to lunching with dad,even though most of the time he does most of the talking because he lives alone and always has a lot to talk about.i don't really mind.i think i like lunching with him because he accepts me as i am and i can just relax and be myself.
i have figured that i may be able to survive financially but it'll be really dicey.no room for any unexpected expenses,which is not realistic,since as yesterday proves,they happen.so in the long run,i still need to figure something out...giving up my apartment for a cheaper one that might not be so nice,and/or getting a job i don't like that pays better,neither of which i want to do. i also don't want to get a roommate.i think living with other people is hell,and that includes me,though every once in a while if you are extremely lucky,you find someone whom you can tolerate who can tolerate you and it's a bonus if you actually enjoy living together.
(reminds me of a line from a barenaked ladies song!).at least,this has been my experience in life.it may not really be true for other people.
i also ate a pint of ben and jerry's half baked frozen yogurt,my favorite,for the second day in a row,but today i'm determined to be back on the wagon,because even though chocolate is my favorite food,it messes up my delicate stomach so i shouldn't eat it if i wanted to have any chance of getting better someday and going off of stomach medication.
in a way,i could say i regret not having taken something for my depression sooner,but i really don't for two reasons.
first,it is only recently that wellbutrin has been prescribed more commonly for depression and a.d.d.,which i do have symptoms of.i think if i'd been put on one of the other antidepressants it wouldn't have worked so well for me.just a hunch,because the others affect your serotonin and wellbutrin affects your dopamine and norephrine levels.i feel better without having my serotonin messed with at all,and that supports my theory that a lot of the depression over the years was due to the attention difference i have...one not very suited to living in our society.i don't know why,but messing with the dopamine and norephrine in my brain makes the incidents of having thoughts of despair,hopelessness and wanting to kill myself much less likely. i've been feeling like that off and on but more often on, for years,and i think it has gotten worse and worse.
maybe those chemicals in my brain got more and more depleted over the years.
i've been kind of depressed the last week,but nowhere near what i've experienced in the past,and i can bounce back faster. and it's not irrational that i've been depressed...not only has it been pms time,but also things have been especially difficult with my mother the last couple of weeks
and things at work have been a bit more stressful than usual,so all in all i'm not doing too badly under the circumstances (and i must admit that living alone has been an aid to my mental health as well)
the other reason i don't regret having waited this long to take medication is that in some weird way,i think i had to go through all that awful stuff for a reason.i hope i learned to have compassion for others (i'm a paradox,i suppose,as i hate mankind as a species,but love and care for people on an individual basis and try to be kind to people in general...it's people's average behaviors that i loathe but i can't hate the actual people) as well as maybe some other things i may have learned over the years because of the way i was and am.
this was going to be a short entry. ha ha ha.
anyway...
i must say it is so nice to wake up in the morning and not be horribly depressed. before i started taking wellbutrin,most mornings were bad,but tuesday morning was the worst. it was because i'd wake up and hate myself for all the things i didn't get done over the weekend. now i don't get much more done,though sometimes a little more due to not being depressed all the time,but i don't feel so bad about it.
in fact,yesterday i had a totally self indulgent day and i felt a little guilty about it.this weekend i had the whole place to myself since my mother is in the hospital. she isn't there for any acute condition. she's there because we need to find out what is wrong with her once and for all if possible.my sister has been taking her to appointments all over the place since last winter and still no answers.(mom has gradually lost her speech...it's garbled now and she can't say many words,as well as forgetting things like how to use the atm and her kids phone numbers,and doing things that just lack social decorum,that if she was in her right mind she wouldn't do.i wont go into details.)
mom and i have shared an apartment for the last ten years or so,and prior to that i lived alone and loved it.however,due to several factors i ended up sharing this place with my mother.
right now i miss my mother,in more ways than one,and i don't think she'll ever be back as my mom.my sisters and i talked about this the other day...it's hard to explain to other people,but it's like how it would be if she just died...she is no longer there except her body is still functioning.it's a weird kind of grief to experience and you don't get the empathy or sympathy you would from others if her body was physically gone.
i feel a little guilty about enjoying being alone here,but it's not like i did something to my mother so i'd be able to live alone,and i would have chosen that she'd be happy and healthy and still living here with me rather than being alone even though i love it and knowing she is not healthy and not happy and not settled and comfortable right now.we are hoping the social worker will help us get her settled in a good nursing home,so she has the care she needs which we can no longer give her.she also has emphysema and sometimes has breathing problems so she really needs to be somewhere where someone is looking out for her 24 hours a day,and none of us kids can stay awake 24 hours a day to take care of her.i hope she is able to be sociable with people because she's kind of isolated herself except for being with family for awhile.
yesterday morning i got a call from the garage and it turned out i needed new front brakes and my coolant to be flushed in addition to the oil change and tire rotation i had requested,so what i thought would be a $50 maintenance job turned out to be a $500 one.that was pretty shocking and i think that's why i just totally babied myself the rest of the day.
i had lunch with dad and had a tuna melt and indulged in french fries,which i usually don't do.i told dad about my car expense and how mom is in the hospital.it's kind of strange,because a while ago dad said he would help me by paying half of the rent but he hasn't mentioned it since.i feel funny about it,but on the other hand,dad has enough money to live on and then some,and can afford to help me.he's not rich,but he is comfortable financially.
well,i guess hinting around won't work,so i'll either have to ask him outright if he still wants to help me,or just drop it altogether and right now i'm leaning towards dropping it. i don't really feel good about accepting help from dad and he doesn't owe me anything. i don't want him to think i'm a golddigger daughter who only bothers with him because he has a little money.my friendship with dad is important.i started having lunch with him every other week out of sense of obligation since he doesn't have any other regular ties with family these days,except on holidays and birthdays and other times at random. eventually i have gotten to look forward to lunching with dad,even though most of the time he does most of the talking because he lives alone and always has a lot to talk about.i don't really mind.i think i like lunching with him because he accepts me as i am and i can just relax and be myself.
i have figured that i may be able to survive financially but it'll be really dicey.no room for any unexpected expenses,which is not realistic,since as yesterday proves,they happen.so in the long run,i still need to figure something out...giving up my apartment for a cheaper one that might not be so nice,and/or getting a job i don't like that pays better,neither of which i want to do. i also don't want to get a roommate.i think living with other people is hell,and that includes me,though every once in a while if you are extremely lucky,you find someone whom you can tolerate who can tolerate you and it's a bonus if you actually enjoy living together.
(reminds me of a line from a barenaked ladies song!).at least,this has been my experience in life.it may not really be true for other people.
i also ate a pint of ben and jerry's half baked frozen yogurt,my favorite,for the second day in a row,but today i'm determined to be back on the wagon,because even though chocolate is my favorite food,it messes up my delicate stomach so i shouldn't eat it if i wanted to have any chance of getting better someday and going off of stomach medication.
in a way,i could say i regret not having taken something for my depression sooner,but i really don't for two reasons.
first,it is only recently that wellbutrin has been prescribed more commonly for depression and a.d.d.,which i do have symptoms of.i think if i'd been put on one of the other antidepressants it wouldn't have worked so well for me.just a hunch,because the others affect your serotonin and wellbutrin affects your dopamine and norephrine levels.i feel better without having my serotonin messed with at all,and that supports my theory that a lot of the depression over the years was due to the attention difference i have...one not very suited to living in our society.i don't know why,but messing with the dopamine and norephrine in my brain makes the incidents of having thoughts of despair,hopelessness and wanting to kill myself much less likely. i've been feeling like that off and on but more often on, for years,and i think it has gotten worse and worse.
maybe those chemicals in my brain got more and more depleted over the years.
i've been kind of depressed the last week,but nowhere near what i've experienced in the past,and i can bounce back faster. and it's not irrational that i've been depressed...not only has it been pms time,but also things have been especially difficult with my mother the last couple of weeks
and things at work have been a bit more stressful than usual,so all in all i'm not doing too badly under the circumstances (and i must admit that living alone has been an aid to my mental health as well)
the other reason i don't regret having waited this long to take medication is that in some weird way,i think i had to go through all that awful stuff for a reason.i hope i learned to have compassion for others (i'm a paradox,i suppose,as i hate mankind as a species,but love and care for people on an individual basis and try to be kind to people in general...it's people's average behaviors that i loathe but i can't hate the actual people) as well as maybe some other things i may have learned over the years because of the way i was and am.
this was going to be a short entry. ha ha ha.