bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-12-23 11:38 am
bluegreen17) wrote2002-12-23 11:38 am
thoughts on friendship and lack thereof
i was a little sad when i woke up this morning because i live too much of my life in a daydream sometimes,and that feels empty and unfulfilling. but the good thing is that i think that i may possibly be able to change that. the thought of all the friends i've left behind and the friends who left me behind is more noticable at christmas. i guess the best thing to do is dust myself off and try again! though i really do wonder if it's even possible to find friends at my age or this time in my life.i look around and people don't make new friends to hang around with...i guess they did that in their younger days,high school and maybe college,and then kept those friends.i don't know if i'm envious or glad i don't have the same friends i used to,because i keep changing...though i would hope my old friends did too!
i do have friends at work and i'm sort of a miss popularity there,which is a somewhat novel experience for me (though in my last year of college i had a really good social life,and having been there for four years,i was comfortable and my shyness had receded) but in contrast to my out-of-work life and life as a whole,it's just rather sad. still,i have a few things going for me: it's enjoyable to be at work because i like a lot of people there and i think at least a few like me.i certainly don't feel unwelcome or unnoticed there,though i did go through a little thing with one group of people a bit ago,but that got happily resolved,thanks to the thoughtfulness of one of my bosses,who helped sort it out,to my surprise and gratitude.
i do like living alone...but the problem is in a way i like it too much and then i feel i pay the price. i spend an enjoyable day alone like yesterday,but then i wake up the next day and feel lonely and realize i spent a good portion of the day before doing things like watching movies,that just basically leave me feeling empty in the long run.it's actually hard to find movies that truly inspire. so of course i watch a lot of stuff just because there's some cute guy in it,and while there's nothing wrong with that,if that comprises much of your social life,it's a wasteland.
even though my family drives me crazy when they are in my face and i have no choice as to whether i see them or not(like the last ten years living with mom and one of my sisters off and on,and different family members coming over to visit my mom primarily,but i live here too,and sometimes wanted to be alone) i actually enjoy their company and miss them and am happy to see them when i am invited to visit them or i invite them. we aren't so formal that we actually NEED invitations to visit each other,but i think it's a good courtesy because we all have different things in our lives besides each other. anyway,of course i don't wait for my mother to invite me to the nursing home. i'm pretty sure she's glad to see me,though i do know she likes her activities there so i try to show up when she's not doing something else she likes. and i have lunch with dad every other week and that's by mutual agreement,as we like seeing each other (and are addicted to tuna melts!)
i'm hoping to spend more time with my younger sister sara because we have a lot of common interests and have fun together.and i don't have as much in common with my other three sisters and in the case of two of them,their families,but i like to see them once in a while. i was going to hopefully see them on christmas but there's a good chance that won't happen now since we're expecting snow and it's often wise to stay off the roads.
and,also,i think since i feel better these days mentally (i'm still amazed and rather annoyed that it's a pill made by one of the big corrupt pharmaceutical companies that pretty much saved my life and made me regain many of the good things about myself that i'd lost in the ravages of being depressed for too long...it must have been merely accidental and/or i may pay in side effects in the future,but i wouldn't be here to experience any that may occur if i hadn't taken the stuff...wellbutrin,which has been great for me...in the first place.)
still,i have hope.maybe i can make new friends. there may be other people like myself out there somewhere who've done the combination of rejecting and being on the recieving end of rejection (granted,in almost all of the situations not by intentional cruelty,but be simply letting things drift and not keeping up with people when things like geography and changes in our lives made it more difficult to maintain the friendships) and ended up somewhat alone and a bit lonely.
ah,well,how i do go on...!
i do have friends at work and i'm sort of a miss popularity there,which is a somewhat novel experience for me (though in my last year of college i had a really good social life,and having been there for four years,i was comfortable and my shyness had receded) but in contrast to my out-of-work life and life as a whole,it's just rather sad. still,i have a few things going for me: it's enjoyable to be at work because i like a lot of people there and i think at least a few like me.i certainly don't feel unwelcome or unnoticed there,though i did go through a little thing with one group of people a bit ago,but that got happily resolved,thanks to the thoughtfulness of one of my bosses,who helped sort it out,to my surprise and gratitude.
i do like living alone...but the problem is in a way i like it too much and then i feel i pay the price. i spend an enjoyable day alone like yesterday,but then i wake up the next day and feel lonely and realize i spent a good portion of the day before doing things like watching movies,that just basically leave me feeling empty in the long run.it's actually hard to find movies that truly inspire. so of course i watch a lot of stuff just because there's some cute guy in it,and while there's nothing wrong with that,if that comprises much of your social life,it's a wasteland.
even though my family drives me crazy when they are in my face and i have no choice as to whether i see them or not(like the last ten years living with mom and one of my sisters off and on,and different family members coming over to visit my mom primarily,but i live here too,and sometimes wanted to be alone) i actually enjoy their company and miss them and am happy to see them when i am invited to visit them or i invite them. we aren't so formal that we actually NEED invitations to visit each other,but i think it's a good courtesy because we all have different things in our lives besides each other. anyway,of course i don't wait for my mother to invite me to the nursing home. i'm pretty sure she's glad to see me,though i do know she likes her activities there so i try to show up when she's not doing something else she likes. and i have lunch with dad every other week and that's by mutual agreement,as we like seeing each other (and are addicted to tuna melts!)
i'm hoping to spend more time with my younger sister sara because we have a lot of common interests and have fun together.and i don't have as much in common with my other three sisters and in the case of two of them,their families,but i like to see them once in a while. i was going to hopefully see them on christmas but there's a good chance that won't happen now since we're expecting snow and it's often wise to stay off the roads.
and,also,i think since i feel better these days mentally (i'm still amazed and rather annoyed that it's a pill made by one of the big corrupt pharmaceutical companies that pretty much saved my life and made me regain many of the good things about myself that i'd lost in the ravages of being depressed for too long...it must have been merely accidental and/or i may pay in side effects in the future,but i wouldn't be here to experience any that may occur if i hadn't taken the stuff...wellbutrin,which has been great for me...in the first place.)
still,i have hope.maybe i can make new friends. there may be other people like myself out there somewhere who've done the combination of rejecting and being on the recieving end of rejection (granted,in almost all of the situations not by intentional cruelty,but be simply letting things drift and not keeping up with people when things like geography and changes in our lives made it more difficult to maintain the friendships) and ended up somewhat alone and a bit lonely.
ah,well,how i do go on...!
no subject
(Anonymous) 2002-12-25 08:54 am (UTC)(link)*hug* p