bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-12-29 05:14 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-12-29 05:14 pm
let go your heart,let go your head and feel it now
went to the drugstore to pick up my monthly drug supply (nexium for stomach,wellbutrin for brain) and since i like the card selection they usually have there,i picked out cards for the my sister and niece,who both share the same january birthday,which i think is cool. (my nephew missed my birthday by two days...it would have been fun to share a birthday...at least i think so. though when i was growing up my birthday often fell on father's day which really annoyed me. it still sorta does,because i like attention!)
i like picking out cards and i'm very fussy.i always try to find the 'right' card...the most beautiful or the funniest that is most fitting to the person and says as closely as possible what i feel. sometimes it takes me a long time to find something i like,and that can get frustrating,so i try to shop at the places that i think has the best cards. anyway,i also sometimes get sentimental so i was looking through and sniffling a bit because i get weepy though hopefully it probably just sounds like i have a bit of a cold! and then 'babylon' by david gray came on the radio station that the store was playing,and that song has sentimental memories from two winters ago not to mention that it's a pretty sentimental song anyway,so it's fortunate that i didn't sob a great puddle right there,but i've been trained to be semi-socially acceptable,so i could control myself. kind of makes it sound like potty training! heh. though the latter is a pretty great idea though i'm not so sure about the former.
anyway! also got a thank you card for my dad who gave me money for christmas and as an early birthday present to allow me to keep paying the rent here for a while until i figure out what to do. i also have the task of cleaning out my mother's belongings (she hasnt died,but she's in a nursing home) which may take a while,so it's very much appreciated that dad bought me that time. i feel like i've gotten a government grant except i'm not doing anything too creative with it,but sometimes surviving takes creativity,so who knows! i don't even know if my landlord will let me lease when i get in touch with him to tell him my mom is in a nursing home now.i hope he will,because i would like to stay here if i can. i just adore living alone,which is kind of paradoxical because i do get lonely. but i don't get lonely because i'm living alone. i'm lonely because i don't hang out with people much,and there's a difference. i love being home by myself most of the time,i just wish i had people to connect with other than just work friends and internet friends,though i don't denigrate those friends,but it's just a different kind of friendship,you know.
anyway,i got home from the drugstore and grocery shopping and dropping stuff off at the library and going to the gas station and i just felt so content to come home and just be here in my little place peacefully by myself. no one i have to entertain,no one to get in my way,no one to ignore me,no one to have to pretend to when i'm just an old grump. that makes me pretty content about this aspect of my life right now. it wont' last forever,because something has to give. the best case scenario would be to get a 40 hour job that pays better and that i love as much as the one i have now. i don't think my chances are great of that happening,but who knows. anyway,i'm just enjoying this now,day by day. when i got home,i put on my david gray tape of favorites from 'white ladder' (since i can't find my white ladder cd...i'm glad i at least made a tape of some of the songs to play in the car so i can still listen to those) to listen to while i put away my groceries and those songs sound as good as ever
(though the bass sound in my speakers has been sounding freaky for a while now...but my speakers are fifteen years old.they could be going,or maybe i just need new speaker wire. i hate a heavy bass sound...i absolutely loathe people who have the heavy bass in their cars...when i'm sitting anywhere near them at a light,it makes me physically nauseated...and don't tell me that music or in this case,noise,doesn't affect humans physically because it does. i remember once going to see a band and i was near the bass amp i guess and i could feel the sound in my collarbone. weird.anyway.)
i like picking out cards and i'm very fussy.i always try to find the 'right' card...the most beautiful or the funniest that is most fitting to the person and says as closely as possible what i feel. sometimes it takes me a long time to find something i like,and that can get frustrating,so i try to shop at the places that i think has the best cards. anyway,i also sometimes get sentimental so i was looking through and sniffling a bit because i get weepy though hopefully it probably just sounds like i have a bit of a cold! and then 'babylon' by david gray came on the radio station that the store was playing,and that song has sentimental memories from two winters ago not to mention that it's a pretty sentimental song anyway,so it's fortunate that i didn't sob a great puddle right there,but i've been trained to be semi-socially acceptable,so i could control myself. kind of makes it sound like potty training! heh. though the latter is a pretty great idea though i'm not so sure about the former.
anyway! also got a thank you card for my dad who gave me money for christmas and as an early birthday present to allow me to keep paying the rent here for a while until i figure out what to do. i also have the task of cleaning out my mother's belongings (she hasnt died,but she's in a nursing home) which may take a while,so it's very much appreciated that dad bought me that time. i feel like i've gotten a government grant except i'm not doing anything too creative with it,but sometimes surviving takes creativity,so who knows! i don't even know if my landlord will let me lease when i get in touch with him to tell him my mom is in a nursing home now.i hope he will,because i would like to stay here if i can. i just adore living alone,which is kind of paradoxical because i do get lonely. but i don't get lonely because i'm living alone. i'm lonely because i don't hang out with people much,and there's a difference. i love being home by myself most of the time,i just wish i had people to connect with other than just work friends and internet friends,though i don't denigrate those friends,but it's just a different kind of friendship,you know.
anyway,i got home from the drugstore and grocery shopping and dropping stuff off at the library and going to the gas station and i just felt so content to come home and just be here in my little place peacefully by myself. no one i have to entertain,no one to get in my way,no one to ignore me,no one to have to pretend to when i'm just an old grump. that makes me pretty content about this aspect of my life right now. it wont' last forever,because something has to give. the best case scenario would be to get a 40 hour job that pays better and that i love as much as the one i have now. i don't think my chances are great of that happening,but who knows. anyway,i'm just enjoying this now,day by day. when i got home,i put on my david gray tape of favorites from 'white ladder' (since i can't find my white ladder cd...i'm glad i at least made a tape of some of the songs to play in the car so i can still listen to those) to listen to while i put away my groceries and those songs sound as good as ever
(though the bass sound in my speakers has been sounding freaky for a while now...but my speakers are fifteen years old.they could be going,or maybe i just need new speaker wire. i hate a heavy bass sound...i absolutely loathe people who have the heavy bass in their cars...when i'm sitting anywhere near them at a light,it makes me physically nauseated...and don't tell me that music or in this case,noise,doesn't affect humans physically because it does. i remember once going to see a band and i was near the bass amp i guess and i could feel the sound in my collarbone. weird.anyway.)