bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-12-31 11:40 am
bluegreen17) wrote2002-12-31 11:40 am
(no subject)
felt pretty down on myself when i woke up this morning because i often think of all the stuff i need and/or should get done. even if i have accomplished things,there always seems to be so much more to do.i guess my sister sara feels like that too. she's always telling me how filthy her apartment is and that she's hopeless. she doesn't feel bad about it ALL the time,but she does say stuff like that to me once in a while.
anyway,once i got myself out of bed and going i didn't feel so bad. i had decided to call my cousin before work today to offer my condolences about uncle ernest and to tell him i probably wouldn't make it to the funeral. (it's not immediate family and so i need to go to work). i thought i'd feel better if i did that before work rather than dreading it all day and having to come home on new year's eve at 8 or so and have to call then. it'll be another nonevent holiday for me as i'm working tomorrow but i may get a day off next week. and maybe some day i'll have time to go see two towers! sara said she was hoping to go see it (in her case,for the second time) with me on new year's but i'm working. so i mentioned next sunday to her but then i realized i don't think i'll have time as i'll have to do all my weekend chores on sunday because this is the week i go visit mom on monday.i try to go ever other week,and on the other weeks i have lunch with dad. one of these days i hope to find some time for a social life with some friends,but i've got to find some friends around here first! ah,but i do have sara,my sister,to do things with sometimes.but it's a bit of a trip either for her or for me to get together.
at least i perked up enough to get myself to make that difficult phone call and be thoughtful at least. i am now giving myself a little pat on the back,but of course being able to cope also is supported by the medication i take. well,seeing as i decided to take the medication partly so i could be a functioning member of my family,especially with my mother's illness and need for caretaking prior to her being cared for in the nursing home,i guess it's worked out well. it's really is nice not to be at the brink of despair 24 hours a day,and a few months ago it HAD gotten that bad. i dont' know if it's my FAULT or not that my brain needed to retain more dopamine and norephrine,but at least i can now be a somewhat better person than i could when i felt suicidal most of the time. it's hard to cope and help others and not be self absorbed when you feel like life is horrible and hopeless all the time,so i'm glad i don't feel like that right now. can't bank of the future,i just take it day by day and appreciate feeling pretty decent overall for as long as i might.
well,better get my ass in gear and be off to work!
anyway,once i got myself out of bed and going i didn't feel so bad. i had decided to call my cousin before work today to offer my condolences about uncle ernest and to tell him i probably wouldn't make it to the funeral. (it's not immediate family and so i need to go to work). i thought i'd feel better if i did that before work rather than dreading it all day and having to come home on new year's eve at 8 or so and have to call then. it'll be another nonevent holiday for me as i'm working tomorrow but i may get a day off next week. and maybe some day i'll have time to go see two towers! sara said she was hoping to go see it (in her case,for the second time) with me on new year's but i'm working. so i mentioned next sunday to her but then i realized i don't think i'll have time as i'll have to do all my weekend chores on sunday because this is the week i go visit mom on monday.i try to go ever other week,and on the other weeks i have lunch with dad. one of these days i hope to find some time for a social life with some friends,but i've got to find some friends around here first! ah,but i do have sara,my sister,to do things with sometimes.but it's a bit of a trip either for her or for me to get together.
at least i perked up enough to get myself to make that difficult phone call and be thoughtful at least. i am now giving myself a little pat on the back,but of course being able to cope also is supported by the medication i take. well,seeing as i decided to take the medication partly so i could be a functioning member of my family,especially with my mother's illness and need for caretaking prior to her being cared for in the nursing home,i guess it's worked out well. it's really is nice not to be at the brink of despair 24 hours a day,and a few months ago it HAD gotten that bad. i dont' know if it's my FAULT or not that my brain needed to retain more dopamine and norephrine,but at least i can now be a somewhat better person than i could when i felt suicidal most of the time. it's hard to cope and help others and not be self absorbed when you feel like life is horrible and hopeless all the time,so i'm glad i don't feel like that right now. can't bank of the future,i just take it day by day and appreciate feeling pretty decent overall for as long as i might.
well,better get my ass in gear and be off to work!