bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-01-22 12:31 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-01-22 12:31 pm
thanatos and what's the word for life wish?
"i'm not afraid of death,i just don't want to be there when it happens"-woody allen
even though i'm a typical gemini in many ways (love of variety,not wanting to close options,love of communication,easily bored) i'm not superficial and shallow like geminis allegedly are. in fact,i'm pretty intense. it's hard to say whether i think deeply or feel deeply about things,because they seem like the same thing to me. (that's kind of weird,isn't it? but i can't distinguish between the two sometimes,honest)
so,yesterday morning when i discovered
what seems like a lump in one of my breasts (breasts are such weird things,sometimes it's hard to tell. or maybe i'm just a dolt.) i kind of flipped out. didn't bother anyone though,that's a great thing about living alone. i felt like a wreck,pondered my mortality,got very depressed,wanted to just ignore it,and even worried about my mortal soul. such as,if i just let myself die,will i go straight to hell? is it a sin to NOT make efforts to preserve your life? and being a lapsed a catholic,whom do i talk to about this? how would anyone know for sure anyway? because i find life both difficult and empty right now,so i don't have much of a will to live in a sense. since starting to take medication (wellbutrin) i no longer feel ACTIVELY preoccupied with suicidal thoughts,but in a passive way,i sometimes don't really want to be alive. in context,it is the middle of a very cold january,and it's natural to have the blues a bit at this time of year. and i'm not as depressed as i have been,so i can stand this level of blues/depression because i know what it's like to feel much worse.
but at this time in my life i'm just living by rote. the things that matter to me...close connection to others,just doesn't really exist in my life,at least not the way i want it too. i'm probably closest to my younger sister sara,who's 17 years younger than i. (i always loved having a baby in the family,and i have three younger sisters,so i was thrilled to have a new baby sister when i was in high school,my mom's menopausal baby. oops,it's not menopause,you're pregnant!)
we have a lot of fun together but don't see each other that often. sometimes we've gotten into horrible fights because we're both intense and have bad tempers. that mostly happens when there's a family dynamic happening,like when i was living with both mom and sara. sara sided with mom,and i just kind of kept to myself. but if it's just sara and i,we get along great. well,she lives a bit away from here and we don't keep in touch all that much. plus,i always have the feeling that being so much older than her,i must be incredibly boring to her and/or she wouldn't really want to hang with me much,though the age difference doesn't bother me. (i could write an entire essay on how i've always particularly hung around with people younger than myself and my therapist recently said maybe it was a midlife crisis thing...you know,i'm older,i want to stay in touch with youth. but i told her,that may be true,but when i was a senior in high school,some of my friends were in eighthy grade or freshman,and that's a bigger age difference than it is later in life. maybe it's because i only have one older sister,whom i'm practically the total opposite from,and never got along with all that well,even though i love her dearly.i used to have a lot of fun with my sister who's five years younger than i. we were pretty close until she had kids. so,whatever...)
so the bottom line is in many ways i don't really have much to live for or look forward to in life,and i have much to dread. i don't even know how much longer i can live where i am,which i love,because i don't know if the landlord will lease to me or will want to sell this condo,and if he does let me sign a lease,which i hope he does,i then have to find a way to continue to afford the rent,which means i have to do something else i don't want to: either quit the job i love for something that pays better (though i tend to be extra miserable when i do sucky jobs i hate...i guess the worse one was working in a textile mill one summer. good pay,icky job.) or get a second job,and as i'm stressed keeping up with the necessary and obligatory things i have to do in life already,how the hell would i manage that? plus,the job market is really lousy right now. the other option is getting a roommate and i REALLY REALLY don't want to do that. living alone is so good for me,being as moody as i am. i don't bother anyone and can get a lot of the bad moods out of my system while home alone so when i go out,i can be cheerful and not bring other people down. well,for the most part. and i feel like dealing with many humans is pure hell anyway,and living with them is the worst. i'm no saint,but i really can't figure that i'm part of the species of homo sapiens. most people are so rude and mean and i'm so sensitive about everything that i get stressed just driving to work every day. i dont' mind driving, i just cant stand the rudeness,the tailgating,the big rush to cut you off even if it's dangerous,just to get to a red light one car ahead of you. i don't know WHAT i am,but i really don't think i can be one of them. i'm CONSIDERATE of other people.maybe i was just lucky with the parents i have,i dont' know.
anyhow,i just am afraid of life,so i don't know if it was guilt or what that made me call the doctor's office today to make an appointment to check the breast. i don't want to go do that. i hate having physical exams and it's not because i'm particularly bashful or modest...it has to do with my ocd and some other things i won't go into here. anyway,going to the doctor is really stressful for me,and i dont really want to go,but i feel i SHOULD get this examined,and i don't know what's compelling me. maybe i really do have a buried life wish. actually,i want to live,but i don't want to live my life if i can't change it for the better and i don't see any way of doing that,so it looks bleak. it makes me think of gollum and the ring: he both loves and hates it. that's how i feel about life. though i guess comparing life to a horrible ring of power is not quite apt. i can relate to robert frost's epitaph very much though:
'i had a lover's quarrel with the world'.
even though i'm a typical gemini in many ways (love of variety,not wanting to close options,love of communication,easily bored) i'm not superficial and shallow like geminis allegedly are. in fact,i'm pretty intense. it's hard to say whether i think deeply or feel deeply about things,because they seem like the same thing to me. (that's kind of weird,isn't it? but i can't distinguish between the two sometimes,honest)
so,yesterday morning when i discovered
what seems like a lump in one of my breasts (breasts are such weird things,sometimes it's hard to tell. or maybe i'm just a dolt.) i kind of flipped out. didn't bother anyone though,that's a great thing about living alone. i felt like a wreck,pondered my mortality,got very depressed,wanted to just ignore it,and even worried about my mortal soul. such as,if i just let myself die,will i go straight to hell? is it a sin to NOT make efforts to preserve your life? and being a lapsed a catholic,whom do i talk to about this? how would anyone know for sure anyway? because i find life both difficult and empty right now,so i don't have much of a will to live in a sense. since starting to take medication (wellbutrin) i no longer feel ACTIVELY preoccupied with suicidal thoughts,but in a passive way,i sometimes don't really want to be alive. in context,it is the middle of a very cold january,and it's natural to have the blues a bit at this time of year. and i'm not as depressed as i have been,so i can stand this level of blues/depression because i know what it's like to feel much worse.
but at this time in my life i'm just living by rote. the things that matter to me...close connection to others,just doesn't really exist in my life,at least not the way i want it too. i'm probably closest to my younger sister sara,who's 17 years younger than i. (i always loved having a baby in the family,and i have three younger sisters,so i was thrilled to have a new baby sister when i was in high school,my mom's menopausal baby. oops,it's not menopause,you're pregnant!)
we have a lot of fun together but don't see each other that often. sometimes we've gotten into horrible fights because we're both intense and have bad tempers. that mostly happens when there's a family dynamic happening,like when i was living with both mom and sara. sara sided with mom,and i just kind of kept to myself. but if it's just sara and i,we get along great. well,she lives a bit away from here and we don't keep in touch all that much. plus,i always have the feeling that being so much older than her,i must be incredibly boring to her and/or she wouldn't really want to hang with me much,though the age difference doesn't bother me. (i could write an entire essay on how i've always particularly hung around with people younger than myself and my therapist recently said maybe it was a midlife crisis thing...you know,i'm older,i want to stay in touch with youth. but i told her,that may be true,but when i was a senior in high school,some of my friends were in eighthy grade or freshman,and that's a bigger age difference than it is later in life. maybe it's because i only have one older sister,whom i'm practically the total opposite from,and never got along with all that well,even though i love her dearly.i used to have a lot of fun with my sister who's five years younger than i. we were pretty close until she had kids. so,whatever...)
so the bottom line is in many ways i don't really have much to live for or look forward to in life,and i have much to dread. i don't even know how much longer i can live where i am,which i love,because i don't know if the landlord will lease to me or will want to sell this condo,and if he does let me sign a lease,which i hope he does,i then have to find a way to continue to afford the rent,which means i have to do something else i don't want to: either quit the job i love for something that pays better (though i tend to be extra miserable when i do sucky jobs i hate...i guess the worse one was working in a textile mill one summer. good pay,icky job.) or get a second job,and as i'm stressed keeping up with the necessary and obligatory things i have to do in life already,how the hell would i manage that? plus,the job market is really lousy right now. the other option is getting a roommate and i REALLY REALLY don't want to do that. living alone is so good for me,being as moody as i am. i don't bother anyone and can get a lot of the bad moods out of my system while home alone so when i go out,i can be cheerful and not bring other people down. well,for the most part. and i feel like dealing with many humans is pure hell anyway,and living with them is the worst. i'm no saint,but i really can't figure that i'm part of the species of homo sapiens. most people are so rude and mean and i'm so sensitive about everything that i get stressed just driving to work every day. i dont' mind driving, i just cant stand the rudeness,the tailgating,the big rush to cut you off even if it's dangerous,just to get to a red light one car ahead of you. i don't know WHAT i am,but i really don't think i can be one of them. i'm CONSIDERATE of other people.maybe i was just lucky with the parents i have,i dont' know.
anyhow,i just am afraid of life,so i don't know if it was guilt or what that made me call the doctor's office today to make an appointment to check the breast. i don't want to go do that. i hate having physical exams and it's not because i'm particularly bashful or modest...it has to do with my ocd and some other things i won't go into here. anyway,going to the doctor is really stressful for me,and i dont really want to go,but i feel i SHOULD get this examined,and i don't know what's compelling me. maybe i really do have a buried life wish. actually,i want to live,but i don't want to live my life if i can't change it for the better and i don't see any way of doing that,so it looks bleak. it makes me think of gollum and the ring: he both loves and hates it. that's how i feel about life. though i guess comparing life to a horrible ring of power is not quite apt. i can relate to robert frost's epitaph very much though:
'i had a lover's quarrel with the world'.
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i do appreciate being 'heard' though and i guess that's one area where reading each other's journals is a wondrous thing.
again,thank you for your thoughtfulness!
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