bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-01-27 11:07 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-01-27 11:07 pm
a very unhappy camper
left the dr's office and was pissed off and upset. because i always hope for good and i guess i expect it and get disappointed.
so,instead of the nurse practitioner saying (about the lump in my breast) 'oh it's nothing,just a cyst,don't worry about it' or even 'well,i think it's a cyst but we better do a couple of tests' she said 'well,it's solid and about 4 centimeters.'
well,crap. then she says first i need to get a mammogram (medieval torture specially tailored for women) and an ultrasound. so i said,well,won't i still have to have a biopsy so why bother with a mammogram? i'd rather deal with a needle'. well,she says,you wont be able to do a needle biopsy on this. (which means i guess,an incision at least.f**K) well,if i'm lucky,i'll ONLY have to have a mammogram and the ultrasound,which is sucky enough. i have to go next monday on my f**kin' so called day off to the hospital,which is a shitty drive into the city to a hospital with shitty parking facilities,and a place i wasn't too happy with a year and a half ago when the nurse sent me to the emergency room because i had numbness in my hands and they took three hours to do tests,leaving me sitting in examining rooms alone for most of that time,and not being very friendly when they did deal with me.
and if i'm lucky,that's all.i've been dealing with crap for almost two solid years. leg injury which ruined one vacation,stomach problems that were very severe for a year and a half and that still bother me and for which i take expensive strong medication. my mother's illness,which continues but began about a year ago,part of which time i had to take care of her. now she's in a nursing home,her mind is going fast and she will die within a year or two. so,her death to look forward to.i have been depressed off and on (mostly on,it seems) for most of my life and felt so suicidal so often by last fall that i now take medication which helps me cope but does not solve my problems,obviously. oh,and the fact that my money is running out and i don't earn enough to pay for the rent and jobs are hard to find...oh,but that's all.oh,and the fact that i have no close friends other than two of my sisters,whom i don't see that often,and am continuously befuddled as to why the fuck i can't find anyone like myself to hang around with and i can't have the one thing that's most important to me in life:at least one close friend to share things with. other than that,things are fine.
oh,just a little bit bitter and a whole lot angry,possibly at god for certainly seeming to not exist.
but,hey,i have to go through all sorts of shit to keep myself alive so that i can live to....to...to WHAT? for what?
when i get mad,i get mad,if you couldn't tell.
i want to be happy,for fuck's sake,but i guess i just suck.it must be my fault i've been unhappy most of my life,which is because i'm a bad person and have a bad attitude,right? it couldn't possibly have to do with having been cursed with crappy genes or brain chemistry,it must be that i'm BAD. at least that's the impression i get.i can't suffer in silence like a saint,that's for sure.
oh,and lj has been sucky all day,so i can't even enjoy reading stuff and commenting,etc because it takes forever...
does anyone know what the hell is wrong with lj and when it will be fixed? it's been hell to do anything here today.
so,instead of the nurse practitioner saying (about the lump in my breast) 'oh it's nothing,just a cyst,don't worry about it' or even 'well,i think it's a cyst but we better do a couple of tests' she said 'well,it's solid and about 4 centimeters.'
well,crap. then she says first i need to get a mammogram (medieval torture specially tailored for women) and an ultrasound. so i said,well,won't i still have to have a biopsy so why bother with a mammogram? i'd rather deal with a needle'. well,she says,you wont be able to do a needle biopsy on this. (which means i guess,an incision at least.f**K) well,if i'm lucky,i'll ONLY have to have a mammogram and the ultrasound,which is sucky enough. i have to go next monday on my f**kin' so called day off to the hospital,which is a shitty drive into the city to a hospital with shitty parking facilities,and a place i wasn't too happy with a year and a half ago when the nurse sent me to the emergency room because i had numbness in my hands and they took three hours to do tests,leaving me sitting in examining rooms alone for most of that time,and not being very friendly when they did deal with me.
and if i'm lucky,that's all.i've been dealing with crap for almost two solid years. leg injury which ruined one vacation,stomach problems that were very severe for a year and a half and that still bother me and for which i take expensive strong medication. my mother's illness,which continues but began about a year ago,part of which time i had to take care of her. now she's in a nursing home,her mind is going fast and she will die within a year or two. so,her death to look forward to.i have been depressed off and on (mostly on,it seems) for most of my life and felt so suicidal so often by last fall that i now take medication which helps me cope but does not solve my problems,obviously. oh,and the fact that my money is running out and i don't earn enough to pay for the rent and jobs are hard to find...oh,but that's all.oh,and the fact that i have no close friends other than two of my sisters,whom i don't see that often,and am continuously befuddled as to why the fuck i can't find anyone like myself to hang around with and i can't have the one thing that's most important to me in life:at least one close friend to share things with. other than that,things are fine.
oh,just a little bit bitter and a whole lot angry,possibly at god for certainly seeming to not exist.
but,hey,i have to go through all sorts of shit to keep myself alive so that i can live to....to...to WHAT? for what?
when i get mad,i get mad,if you couldn't tell.
i want to be happy,for fuck's sake,but i guess i just suck.it must be my fault i've been unhappy most of my life,which is because i'm a bad person and have a bad attitude,right? it couldn't possibly have to do with having been cursed with crappy genes or brain chemistry,it must be that i'm BAD. at least that's the impression i get.i can't suffer in silence like a saint,that's for sure.
oh,and lj has been sucky all day,so i can't even enjoy reading stuff and commenting,etc because it takes forever...
does anyone know what the hell is wrong with lj and when it will be fixed? it's been hell to do anything here today.
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to keep myself alive so that i can live to....to...to WHAT?
To see RotK, naturally. That's the first reason to jump to my mind, anyway. And then to own the full DVD trilogy, after that...
And LJ has been slow and annoying today. Don't know why. Seems to be picking up now, though.
looking forward to mount doom.ha ha.
well,okay,return of the king then...i AM looking forward to that...your comment made me laugh to myself. and thank goodness lj is finally doing better. i was beginning to think,in my frame of mind,that it just didn't like ME.ha.
Re: looking forward to mount doom.ha ha.
Anyway, breast cancer runs in my family (maternal side, even...goodie...), so I understand your worry and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
*knock on wood just for good measure*
Re: looking forward to mount doom.ha ha.
you know,i love movies and stories (my favorite kind of fanfiction) that has lots of emotional angst. but i find it really annoying in real life!
ha.
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The good thing about being online is that we can meet like-minded people because we are not boxed in by geography, age, race etc etc. I would go nuts without it. In fact, most of my closest friends I have met online.
Just know you have people 'out there' rooting for you
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i feel like i'm 'typically' going through those 'stages of grief' stuff. i was so angry,and this morning extremely depressed,but felt better once i got to work and i feel more at peace at the moment. so,we'll see.
i met a few of my closest friends by being snail mail penpals,but i've never met anyone in person i met online.the only thing i can figure out is that when those things happened,i had more money so i could do things like talk to them on the phone and also travel to visit. now being a pauper is a bitch,pardon my french. i think not having much money or much time really makes it hard to find friends,and i haven't figured a way around it! but yeah,i appreciate that i can connect with some great folks online...i think that's helped a lot and it's better for my psyche than just watching tv.
thanks again for your thoughts!
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