slipping into apathy

[bluegreen17]

i turned on the one channel i get (since i dont have cable) so i could get the weather report as i'd heard it might be icy today.i find driving on ice scary,since it's practically impossible and with my luck i certainly don't want to rely on it. it's bad enough when the roads aren't bad having to deal with maniac drivers. yesterday i had one person in the lane to the right of me cut in front of me to get into the lane to the LEFT of me and he/she was only HALF a car length in front of me,so i had to slam on the brakes. jesus,i'm lucky i didn't get rearended. idiot. if they weren't in the correct lane at that point,they should have just turned around instead of endangering my life. and then on the drive home last night i was lucky enough to be in front of two idiots who wanted to drag race...since there were two of them,one in each lane and i was in front of one of them,what the hell was i supposed to do? i was terrified,as there was nowhere to pull over either. one of them eventually switched to the same lane as the other and practically crashed into him before swerving around him. i hate people.

anyhow,of course i will probably not get a weather report now because of the space shuttle thing. that's sad and scary.debris raining down on people.

i just want an excuse not to go to work. i'm feeling both angry and apathetic. every time i turn around,i have one more thing in my future to dread. of course i'm sure folks can understand why i dread the possibility of surgery and the death of my mother (she has a terminal illness) but they might not understand that things bother me so much that i'm stressed because a few of my sisters and my mother are coming over next week to clean out some of mom's stuff and that means i have to put all the stuff i had spread out in order to sort out some of my stuff away again and i don't have time and it'll set me back and i dont like having a bunch of people over. it's MY place now,and i like my sanctuary,so i feel like i'm being invaded. and i don't want to go to work because i hate saturdays and i was bored yesterday and i know i'll be bored at work today and boredom is bad news for me. when i get bored,it usually end of getting more depressed. i guess my life is all about distraction,because i'm basically miserable (well,maybe that's overstating it,but my basic state seems to be one of melancholy) and distraction helps me forget.i don't know how i'm going to work a job i hate and that bores me since i need to switch jobs soon in order to make ends meet. i don't ENJOY being miserable. i wish i was happy by nature and/or that i had a better life,but i don't have either.if i was an alcoholic i'd want a drink really really badly right now,since all i want to do right now is eat and stay home and write and read. and i feel like a bad person for not wanting to go to work,and i feel like a bad person every time i don't go to work because i'm depressed. i've gone to work for years while i was depressed,but in the last year i've found it more and more difficult to push myself. part of me just doesn't care about being responsible anymore and another part of me is very sad about that.

Comments

[dglenn.livejournal.com]

I don't want to work today either. I'll probably get away with that. But I also don't want to go to the event tonight where I'll be performing, and I can't get out of that.

I feel sort of frozen up inside.

[bluegreen17]

ugh. maybe it's going around. hopefully you'll feel better once you start playing.

from joy/OD

[(Anonymous)]

I think you have been through so much in the past year, with your stomach, having to give up or cut back on things you enjoy, money/work stuff that would try the patience of anyone, and especially with the illness of your mother and having to wait for a diagnosis and some help amd deal with social workers, etc. Now this possible surgery. You have been through more than anyone should have to endure in a year, and all of it was beyond your control. I think it's natural to feel depressed and apathetic. A new job may be a good change for you...retail sucks the life out of you and (ryn:) the people ARE so incredibly rude, and if you don't have something to look forward to (esp. crush-wise) at work, why go in? I was the same way. I go through this too...sometimes I just think of that Graham Parker song that promises "Life Gets Better." I never actually listen to the song but just thinking of it, I have some hope that there will be some light at the end of this. There will be for you. But yeah I know, some days...take care...j. =)