bluegreen17 | just sad sack misery

i'm still a sad sack. i guess i've just spiraled down this vacation because i had extra chores and worries added to what i already had.

i'm kind of bored right now but at least it's peaceful. i don't know when my sisters will get here,and then i will feel invaded upon until they leave tomorrow.

don't know what i'm going to do for my birthday. i desperately want to get away from family and do something with friends,but i'm the only friend i have something to do with! i thought of taking myself to the movies but there's nothing i really want to see.

my mother kept saying she will take me out to eat,which only makes me mad,because i have to remind her that she has no money. i really don't want to go out to eat anyway for two reasons: i'd prefer to be by myself than with my mother. we have nothing in common,and now i have to summon up all my patience because she has trouble talking. being with my mother is a chore,and i've spent almost every hour of my vacation with her because she lives here and doesn't work and doesn't go out much. one day she even asked to go along to the store with me because she was bored and i said yes because i didn't want to hurt her feelings. i also don't really want to go out to eat because there wasn't much for me to eat in restaurants (i'm not totally vegetarian,but i just eat fish once in a while when i crave it) even before i started having stomach problems almost a year ago. now my stomach is even worse. i can't eat much at a time,there are quite a few things i don't eat because they upset my stomach,etc.

i don't want to have a horribly depressing birthday,but i don't know what to do.

well,at least one of my sisters sent me an ecard and a $25 amazon gift certificate on friday,even though my birthday isn't until monday,because she knew i've had a crappy vacation week.so that perked me up a little,but for the most part i'm just not doing too well.

you know,i have tried to accept that i'm chronically depressed and live with it,but this last year i've had lots of crappy things happen to me a have hardly any social life to give me a break from it all,so it's really been hard. now i'm having financial problems because i have to pay the entire rent with mom being retired and i dont make enough money to pay it without taking money out of my savings constantly. and my savings is specifically for my next used car,as that is the only way i can afford to have one is to save ahead of time...i can't afford interest charges or having to carry collision insurance.
and if i can't buy another car,i will have to move to the city and use public transport,and i dont want to move,to the city or anywhere else! i dont' have the option of getting a roommate until mom moves out,and she's on a waiting list for housing.it could be close to a year before something opens up.

i'm babbling,because anyone who reads my miserable diary has probably heard all this before.

ugh.i'm tired of being miserable and i'm tired of my rotten luck and i think having a birthday makes it all the worse.