bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-02-03 01:41 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-02-03 01:41 pm
fear of life and unexpected kindness
to my surprise,the universe has been kind to me the last few days.
first,on saturday i was very depressed. i went to the supermarket to buy some groceries and it was rainy and chilly. to my amazement,a parking spot opened up near the door just as i was driving by to park further away like i usually do (instead of driving around and around just to be a lazyass). i thought,heck,i'll take it! then i went in a bought my stuff and the cashier and bag boy were exceptionally nice...not in a fake way,just nice and kind. and that made me feel a little better too. you know,sometimes the little things are the big things.
and sometimes the big things shrink. in this case,another good sign. yesterday,i couldn't find the lump in my breast that has had me in a bit of a tizzy (well,actually having to deal with the medical stuff is what is really depressing...the lump was not doing me any harm,as far as i know,or causing any pain). now,it's either shrunk so it's harder to find,or it's shifted so it's harder to find (and if a lump can shift around that's a positive sign...much more likely to be benign). either way,it's a nice development,or whatever is the OPPOSITE of development,in this case! i'm not getting too excited about it,because i'm still a bit wary of all this,but in any case it's anything but discouraging.
so,today i woke up and decided i really couldn't deal with having the mammogram. i've dealt with plenty of pain and sickness lately,but just the thought of it...squashing my breasts and zapping them with radiation...yikes. it just doesn't seem right if one can possibly avoid it. and could i have pushed myself if i still felt a golf ball in my breast? i don't know if i COULD have,but i would know i SHOULD have. but now,i'm not so sure about the should. oh,i imagine i will get a hassle from people. the doctor,nurses,my family. it's all from fear. now,i understand fear. the weird thing (and maybe it's sad,maybe it's not) is that i'm more fearful of life than i am of death,at least the way i feel now. i'm definitely fearful of a painful death,but it's not the death,it's the dying...i.e. being still alive.
i do wonder if more people arent' afraid of life but just don't admit it,to themselves,or others. maybe it's just me.
i'm probably totally crackers,but every time i think i might be dying (when i wake up in the middle of the night with chest pains which turn out to be gas pains because i take ginger and they go away within minutes) i think about how i can't leave my apartment a mess for my family to clean up. really,that's what i think of,at least these days. i don't think,oh i can't die yet,i still want to do such and such a thing on thursday or whatever. because there is nothing i really look forward to at this time. but paradoxically enough,i mentioned to the therapist last fall that i felt sad because i feel like i havent really lived. and she asked what would make me feel like i've lived? and for me,it boils down to never having had a long term love affair. it's so stereotypically female,but i've wanted that since i was very very young. oh,i've had love in my life,i just don't think i've had enough. though probably everyone feels that way.
lately i've been trying to convince myself that i HAVE really had some good times....even if they were mostly fifteen or more years ago. i've had very few good times for a long long time,and my life keeps getting more difficult.
i don't think i'm crazy to wonder if they'll ever end,as they have lasted so long.
i'm glad i had fun in my twenties,at least,and on occasion in my thirties and forties so far,but except for one friendship my thirties pretty much sucked. then i changed jobs just before i turned forty,and things have been better in some ways,worse in others.
the best thing about my twenties was going out to see bands,doing my little fanzine,and meeting tons of people that way. i also had a pen pal that really liked r.e.m. who lived in albany and we got to be really good friends and wrote,talked on the phone,visited,did road trips together. fond memories. part of it was possible because i had cheap rent,so i had some money to spend. anyway...
well,now that i've rambled all over the place,the other thing that was nice was that when i called to cancel my mammogram appt.(a phone call i REALLY dreaded,even as i hate phone calls in general) the women in the scheduling office was very friendly,just nice. then i called the credit card company and asked them to waive my late fee (i think the mail was slow last month) and that was no problem and the woman was really nice. i'm so used to surliness that it just is wonderful to have those things happen.
now i should really call the plumber to fix the leaky faucet. but i don't want to. i'm just rebelling against the tyranny of things to do. fuck it. i've got to get a haircut,get to the bank,buy some new pants (my damn pants keep fraying on the cuffs...well,i don't have a large wardrobe and i wear and wash the same clothes a lot,so they wear out fast.i could care less that they're frayed,but it doesn't look good to go to work wearing those clothes. on my days off,i wear clothes with holes everywhere and anywhere,but that's different.)
i've got to go see my mom in the nursing home...it always makes me sad,because her mind is so gone,and i dont think she really likes me,even if she loves me,which i think she does. and i need to get my oil changed. and i need to clean the living room and kitchen a bit because i'll have company next saturday. and i still have christmas thank you notes to write...etc etc.
it just makes me want to scream,all the stupid things i have to do. i hate it. i must have been royalty in my last life,because i just hate all the domestic crap...well,either that or i was the opposite and got sick of it.
so i don't know if i'll do a damn thing except maybe the bank and the kitchen and living room tidying,though it'll never be good enough,no matter how much i do.i'll find something else that *should* be done. oh,yeah,i've got to do a load of laundry today too.
i was thinking of renting '24 hour party people' but i always feel guilty spending two hours just *watching* something. i feel less guilty writing or reading,which is good because i like reading and writing and listening to music more than i like watching movies,though i do go through movie-watching phases.
oh,anyway,i'd better stop. along with everything else i have a couple more stupid phone calls to make.i have to cancel my eye appt. for next week because i just have too much else to do,and i'm not too blind yet.
that's it. enough writing-as-procrastination for now.
i have to go do my freaking brushing and flossing now. i hate it ,hate it,hate it. yes,i'm just a tempermental almost-never-satisfied (reminds me of a funny steve earle song) silly old woman. surprisingly,i don't live with any cats,though i like them. they're too much work! ha. i hate dealing with kitty litter.
okay,really,i'll stop now.
first,on saturday i was very depressed. i went to the supermarket to buy some groceries and it was rainy and chilly. to my amazement,a parking spot opened up near the door just as i was driving by to park further away like i usually do (instead of driving around and around just to be a lazyass). i thought,heck,i'll take it! then i went in a bought my stuff and the cashier and bag boy were exceptionally nice...not in a fake way,just nice and kind. and that made me feel a little better too. you know,sometimes the little things are the big things.
and sometimes the big things shrink. in this case,another good sign. yesterday,i couldn't find the lump in my breast that has had me in a bit of a tizzy (well,actually having to deal with the medical stuff is what is really depressing...the lump was not doing me any harm,as far as i know,or causing any pain). now,it's either shrunk so it's harder to find,or it's shifted so it's harder to find (and if a lump can shift around that's a positive sign...much more likely to be benign). either way,it's a nice development,or whatever is the OPPOSITE of development,in this case! i'm not getting too excited about it,because i'm still a bit wary of all this,but in any case it's anything but discouraging.
so,today i woke up and decided i really couldn't deal with having the mammogram. i've dealt with plenty of pain and sickness lately,but just the thought of it...squashing my breasts and zapping them with radiation...yikes. it just doesn't seem right if one can possibly avoid it. and could i have pushed myself if i still felt a golf ball in my breast? i don't know if i COULD have,but i would know i SHOULD have. but now,i'm not so sure about the should. oh,i imagine i will get a hassle from people. the doctor,nurses,my family. it's all from fear. now,i understand fear. the weird thing (and maybe it's sad,maybe it's not) is that i'm more fearful of life than i am of death,at least the way i feel now. i'm definitely fearful of a painful death,but it's not the death,it's the dying...i.e. being still alive.
i do wonder if more people arent' afraid of life but just don't admit it,to themselves,or others. maybe it's just me.
i'm probably totally crackers,but every time i think i might be dying (when i wake up in the middle of the night with chest pains which turn out to be gas pains because i take ginger and they go away within minutes) i think about how i can't leave my apartment a mess for my family to clean up. really,that's what i think of,at least these days. i don't think,oh i can't die yet,i still want to do such and such a thing on thursday or whatever. because there is nothing i really look forward to at this time. but paradoxically enough,i mentioned to the therapist last fall that i felt sad because i feel like i havent really lived. and she asked what would make me feel like i've lived? and for me,it boils down to never having had a long term love affair. it's so stereotypically female,but i've wanted that since i was very very young. oh,i've had love in my life,i just don't think i've had enough. though probably everyone feels that way.
lately i've been trying to convince myself that i HAVE really had some good times....even if they were mostly fifteen or more years ago. i've had very few good times for a long long time,and my life keeps getting more difficult.
i don't think i'm crazy to wonder if they'll ever end,as they have lasted so long.
i'm glad i had fun in my twenties,at least,and on occasion in my thirties and forties so far,but except for one friendship my thirties pretty much sucked. then i changed jobs just before i turned forty,and things have been better in some ways,worse in others.
the best thing about my twenties was going out to see bands,doing my little fanzine,and meeting tons of people that way. i also had a pen pal that really liked r.e.m. who lived in albany and we got to be really good friends and wrote,talked on the phone,visited,did road trips together. fond memories. part of it was possible because i had cheap rent,so i had some money to spend. anyway...
well,now that i've rambled all over the place,the other thing that was nice was that when i called to cancel my mammogram appt.(a phone call i REALLY dreaded,even as i hate phone calls in general) the women in the scheduling office was very friendly,just nice. then i called the credit card company and asked them to waive my late fee (i think the mail was slow last month) and that was no problem and the woman was really nice. i'm so used to surliness that it just is wonderful to have those things happen.
now i should really call the plumber to fix the leaky faucet. but i don't want to. i'm just rebelling against the tyranny of things to do. fuck it. i've got to get a haircut,get to the bank,buy some new pants (my damn pants keep fraying on the cuffs...well,i don't have a large wardrobe and i wear and wash the same clothes a lot,so they wear out fast.i could care less that they're frayed,but it doesn't look good to go to work wearing those clothes. on my days off,i wear clothes with holes everywhere and anywhere,but that's different.)
i've got to go see my mom in the nursing home...it always makes me sad,because her mind is so gone,and i dont think she really likes me,even if she loves me,which i think she does. and i need to get my oil changed. and i need to clean the living room and kitchen a bit because i'll have company next saturday. and i still have christmas thank you notes to write...etc etc.
it just makes me want to scream,all the stupid things i have to do. i hate it. i must have been royalty in my last life,because i just hate all the domestic crap...well,either that or i was the opposite and got sick of it.
so i don't know if i'll do a damn thing except maybe the bank and the kitchen and living room tidying,though it'll never be good enough,no matter how much i do.i'll find something else that *should* be done. oh,yeah,i've got to do a load of laundry today too.
i was thinking of renting '24 hour party people' but i always feel guilty spending two hours just *watching* something. i feel less guilty writing or reading,which is good because i like reading and writing and listening to music more than i like watching movies,though i do go through movie-watching phases.
oh,anyway,i'd better stop. along with everything else i have a couple more stupid phone calls to make.i have to cancel my eye appt. for next week because i just have too much else to do,and i'm not too blind yet.
that's it. enough writing-as-procrastination for now.
i have to go do my freaking brushing and flossing now. i hate it ,hate it,hate it. yes,i'm just a tempermental almost-never-satisfied (reminds me of a funny steve earle song) silly old woman. surprisingly,i don't live with any cats,though i like them. they're too much work! ha. i hate dealing with kitty litter.
okay,really,i'll stop now.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2003-02-06 04:45 am (UTC)(link)no matter what you decide, it's your life, your choice and i'm beside you all the way.
love, patti