bluegreen17 | (no subject)

i wish there was an appropriate community to post this to,and one would think the depression one would be good,but if you care to read further you may see why i don't think that would be a good idea. so i'm posting this in my own lj. perhaps someone will stumble upon it and have something useful to share and perhaps it will just help me to write it down whether or not anyone else reads it.

anyway,i'm feeling extremely depressed right now. i would probably feel better if i didn't think of all the things that are pretty certain in my future that i dread (my mother's dying and death probably within the next couple of years...that's the worst,but added to that we just realized recently that she doesn't have enough life insurance for burial,and none of us has any spare money,which is an understatement; having to give up one of the few things in my life that is good...either my job or being able to live alone...because my savings is going to run out and my job doesn't pay enough. i have so little in my life that this is pretty depressing to have to lose even more of what little i have.)

but anyway,it's pretty damned difficult to keep those sorts of things out of one's mind.

anyway,i mentioned this to a therapist a while ago...i don't see how depression support groups can possibly do any good. this is just my opinion and just from my perspective. and this is why: when i'm depressed,i become pretty self-absorbed because i feel
consumed by the mental pain...it takes any energy i have to just keep getting out of bed (and sometimes people can't...so far,i've usually been able to push myself at least out of bed,even if i can't always then push myself off to work...which is a problem,because i need to eat.) and just keep going through the motions hoping that maybe at some future time i'll feel okay again.
though when i'm depressed it seems like that's impossible...but if i can try to remember that sometimes indeed i DON'T feel bad and maybe it will happen again and i'll actually be glad i did't kill myself when i wanted to.

anyway,when i'm depressed,i can't really help other depressed people other than maybe being empathetic,which i don't think helps much. when i'm depressed it makes me feel even more depressed that other people are in pain too,whether mental or physical.

and when i'm not depressed,which isn't really all that often and yet there are different degrees of depression,some of which are not as bad as others...i totally want to stay away from depressed people because i desperately need a vacation from depression,and other depressed people will probably make me depressed because i'm quite susceptible to other people's moods. i would hope i would never be unkind to a depressed person because i spend a lot of time in that hell myself,but i tend to avoid other depressed people. in fact,most folks avoid depressed people and when people avoid me when i'm depressed i totally understand why. the sad thing is when one's depressed one needs to be with other people. it's ironic of course.

i can see why recovering alcoholics can help each other,but i don't know if there really is a way to recover from depression. i've had a good amount of psychotherapy from different people over the years and it didn't really help. last fall i got so desperate that even though i hate taking drugs and being dependent on them,i asked my nurse practitioner for an antidepressant and she prescribed wellbutrin because i also have some symptoms of a.d.d.

anyway,the wellbutrin does help me as much as i think i can be helped. most of the time,i don't think about suicide or feel like life is hopeless which i was feeling pretty much 24/7 before taking it. of course every time i feel like that again,which is where i'm at now,i feel like the stuff isn't working anymore.

well,wellbutrin can't help me where i have good and rational reason to be depressed,though it often helps with my IRRATIONAL thoughts of despair. and i have plenty to be depressed about and i have been trying to figure out how to survive in the future without being miserable. since i seem to have a baseline melancholy/sadness/depression/call it what you will most of the time,it would make me feel even worse to switch to a boring job that pays more or to get a roommate (i seem to be more and more incapable of liking people and finding friends these days and i'm confused about that,but that's another essay) because i don't like very many people and i hate having people in my space when i need to be alone,which is at least several hours a day. i love my two day weekends when i might have lunch with dad or visit mom in the nursing home and go out and do errands and the rest of the time be alone...though i do wish i had a few hours here and there of camaraderie with a close friend which only happens if my sister visits,but she lives far away and we're both busy doing stupid chores and working. i like being home alone but a lot of the time is spent doing laundry,dishes,taking out the garbage and other cleaning and necessary stuff...but at least if i'm cranky or miserable,i'm not bothering anyone and no one's bothering me.

well,i guess i did go into that tangent a bit...i can blame it on a.d.d. or i can say i am creative because i can travel all over the place in my thoughts...

anyway,even though i don't seem to have arrived anywhere and was only somewhat coherent (i dont have the energy to try and be coherent and more organized,sorry...i'm pretty depressed but writing helps for at least the time i'm writing as it's a good distraction...it's probably why i ramble on and on so often. i often enjoy writing (though i don't like writing fiction and i rarely like reading it either,which is a drag because it limits my world)and i can feel okay for a little bit.

my family has sometimes said to me...well,you've been happy sometimes...and i can say sure,but i'm pretty certain i've been happy when i had a good distraction (having friends is a good distraction....though i don't have many friends because if i don't sincerely feel a connection i don't just have friends to use them so i won't be alone...and back to that thing about liking people...i guess i used to like more people than i do now...i really don't know WHAT is wrong with me...and never mind that people need to like you back in order to have a friendship and i just rarely find people i connect with who connect back these days)

and these days,i have a tough time finding distractions,and the need for distracting from my basic sadness means that being bored is really really scary to me...so i don't like to go to work when i'm depressed because i'm more likely to be bored at work than at home...therefore,i don't feel so terrible. i think that makes sense. the problem is,what to do about it?

well i'll stop here in case anyone is still reading...which i wont' blame anyone if they bailed out a while back!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

If there is anything wrong with life, it is life itself. But getting rid of it is not always the best option at hand now, is it? For my part, I have learned that I must have some unchanging constant in my life to sustain me and save me from drifting too deep into depressionville. Something, anything, that I have strong positive emotions about. Something that wouldn't change with time. It must necessarily be something that I have full control over so that it wouldn't change behind my back leaving me hanging by a thread yet again. Thus, it can't be a relationship and it cannot be my circumstances because these all change over time. That one unchanging reality for me is my love of programming, which is also my profession.

yes,i think some sort of anchor is helpful. something solid and like you said,unchanging. i really thought you were going to say having faith in god,because that sustains many people. i wish i had that faith,but i don't know how to get it.

sometimes the thing that keeps me alive is that i don't want to hurt my family. today i was thinking about life insurance and how many insurances don't pay if you commit suicide,and along with everything else,i don't want to do that to them.
it's a negative reason to stay alive...certainly i'm often not staying alive because i have anything to look forward to,but not to hurt them. often enough i find life very painful and i fear life and feel that i'm cursed to merely endure it. like literally a life sentence.
i wish i didn't feel like that so often.

i'm okay at the moment,but many mornings i wake up depressed and my mind goes over and over trying to figure how to support myself and deal with all my problems,and it's hard to get out of bed!

anyway,i thank you very much for your thoughts.it really does help to know that somebody heard you and took the time to leave a kind word,and i really appreciate that.

and i'll try to keep my eyes open for something stable to hang onto like you have. thanks!
diane

You're welcome. I didn't even attempt to suggest faith as a possible anchor because I have been reading your LJ long enough to know that just like me, you've grown past the point of naiveté where an invisible, intangible source of stroking can prove enough to live life by. You're right that the reason you mentioned is a negative reason to continue wanting to live but I think what matters here is that you love your family and love can, and does change things, love is a very positive reason to live. Also, I was thinking that given the multitude of problems that you are facing in your life, your depression and feelings of helplessness are not unjustified. You should commend yourself for holding on as strong as you in fact do. Allow yourself to feel good about what little battles of will you actually do win, and the positive energy from that, I have learned, can continue to accumulate. Nothing succeeds like little successes.

ahh darlin, i understand what you are going though.. being someone who has lived with major depression from a very young age then being diagnosed with every mental illness under the sun (er.. not every M.I but it feels like it) when I was in my early 20's..

Reading through your entry here made me think that maybe you need to speak to your doctor about going on another medication? I am not doctor myself but judging by my experiences with the medications I'm on, it seems that wellbutrin is not working for you.. and even though you said you hate taking medication (and boy can I relate to you there), if there is something out there, that is going to assist you through life and make you feel better dont you think that it's worth a try? I think it is.. *nods*

I have been keeping a close eye on your LJ entries as of late and have noticed that you have been depressed for some time.. and I worry about you.. please know that you are in my thoughts and if you ever need to talk to someone you can email me at hathiien@hotmail.com or catch me on AIM as xoxhathienxox

*big warm hugs*

you are such a sweet person. i'm up waaay past my bedtime so i won't say much more for now,but i did want to thank you and let you know i don't feel quite so bad at the moment. i had a pretty decent day at work.
i will probably write more tomorrow but again thank you for 'listening' and responding!
i appreciate that a lot.

okay,i always have more to say and i think i'll do that now.(lucky you!)

anyhow,i will have to look into the meds issue again at some time. i know that wellbutrin sometimes 'stops working'. i don't know if that's really the case here though,for a couple of reasons. first,i don't feel as depressed and as often as i did before starting to take that last september. (yesterday i think i was having a really bad pms day...but prior to taking the wellbutrin,i had two weeks of feeling like that every month,and i think i felt even worse than i did yesterday. sadly or not,yesterday's depressive entry was not really that bad...so you can just imagine how depressed i have been in the past. actually,you don't want to imagine it...i'm sure,plus i don't like to think about it myself!)

secondly,in regards to whether or not the wellbutrin is working or not,there are a few other factors. i've got some serious problems going on right now that would make any 'normal' person depressed. plus,i tend to get more and more depressed as winter goes on in any given year. i will try to not let it go too far without asking for help again,but i also know i 'get over' really bad depressive episodes much quicker than i used to. doesn't mean i'm happy happy (obviously,and wellbutrin doesn't make one so!) but i've been worse. of course, i WISH i was happier and life was easier,but i dont know anyone with a magic wand.

also,i hate myself when i write stuff about my depression...once i feel a little better,i feel rather embarrassed as well. but it spills out a lot,i guess. i'm not very stoic! one thing that kind of loops around is that i don't like myself because i feel i bring others down,and then of course,that makes me feel more down...well,i do my best. at least much of the time my sense of humor keeps me from being a total drag. (that and the fact i hide a lot of my emotions,but they tend to spill out more on livejournal...in some ways that "safer"...if i start talking to someone,they may feel they have to listen and not really want to,whereas on livejournal no one has to read it unless they feel up to dealing or whatever. if that makes sense?

i'm not very good at nurturing people (possibly because in the last few years i haven't gotten much support and feel unable to give,though maybe i'm just bad at it.) so i feel guilty when i 'ask' for nurturing even in such an indirect way as writing a public entry on livejournal hoping someone will stumble upon it and be brave and read it!

anyway,i could go on and on some more (and often do!) but fortunately for you i'm hungry and second breakfast is waiting!

again,thank you very much for your kindness...i feel badly that i've been showing my depression so much because i try to write things that aren't depressive,but it busts out anyway!
i will keep your email in my address book and i appreciate that too...and my email is moonriver@livejournal.com if i can ever offer you a 'listening favor'.

well,i dont' feel quite so bad today...and hopefully i can carry on. one embarrassing hormonal female factor...pms can be unpleasant,but once the period starts,it's like a lot of the heavy boulders have been lifted off my chest. i don't like being at the mercy of my biology!
thanks again. mac and cheese await me!

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thank you part deux