bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-02-12 01:49 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-02-12 01:49 pm
(no subject)
well,i'm sitting here and i should be going out the door right now headed for work,but i havent' even brushed and flossed (which alone takes about fifteen minutes...have to be thorough because if i think about food i get cavities) as well as several other things i need to do in order to be ready for work.
and this is why:
the need for distracting from my basic sadness means that being bored is really really scary to me...so i don't like to go to work when i'm depressed because i'm more likely to be bored at work than at home...therefore,i don't feel so terrible. i think that makes sense. the problem is,what to do about it?
(may be a rerun if anyone is crazy or brave enough to have read my last longass post...)
so,i definitely dont' want to go to work,but of course not going has consequences such as getting further behind in my work,having the bosses more annoyed at me because i'm out sick so much (most of the time it's actually acute depression,but you can't tell employers that...i guess they don't think depression is a form of being sick) and using up one more of my dwindling sick days. at best,i'm obviously going to be late today,which means a few dollars less in my meager paycheck that doesn't cover all the bills as it is.
sometimes i feel like i'm such a loser and i have a hard time not believing that i'm just a bad person for not being able to push myself when i'm depressed.
and i just ate six cookies to try to make myself feel better. of course it works for the time i'm eating them! maybe six cookies isn't TOO horrible but i have a sensitive stomach so it's really not good at all.
oh,well,how much longer can i procrastinate by writing? before guilt somehow,somehow gets me to work...or not.
c'est ma vie.
and this is why:
the need for distracting from my basic sadness means that being bored is really really scary to me...so i don't like to go to work when i'm depressed because i'm more likely to be bored at work than at home...therefore,i don't feel so terrible. i think that makes sense. the problem is,what to do about it?
(may be a rerun if anyone is crazy or brave enough to have read my last longass post...)
so,i definitely dont' want to go to work,but of course not going has consequences such as getting further behind in my work,having the bosses more annoyed at me because i'm out sick so much (most of the time it's actually acute depression,but you can't tell employers that...i guess they don't think depression is a form of being sick) and using up one more of my dwindling sick days. at best,i'm obviously going to be late today,which means a few dollars less in my meager paycheck that doesn't cover all the bills as it is.
sometimes i feel like i'm such a loser and i have a hard time not believing that i'm just a bad person for not being able to push myself when i'm depressed.
and i just ate six cookies to try to make myself feel better. of course it works for the time i'm eating them! maybe six cookies isn't TOO horrible but i have a sensitive stomach so it's really not good at all.
oh,well,how much longer can i procrastinate by writing? before guilt somehow,somehow gets me to work...or not.
c'est ma vie.