bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-02-14 12:26 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-02-14 12:26 pm
poor poor pitiful me at blue bayou
feeling pretty darned low again and i'm wondering if i've developed a 'tolerance' to wellbutrin after taking it for only five months. which makes me even more depressed thinking about that,since i have felt less horrible taking it. if so,i'm also disappointed,because my therapist said that the idea is to take it to 'jump start' certain chemicals in your brain and if you're lucky you can go off it after a while as you've gotten your brain back on track. now i'm wondering if instead you develop a tolerance and are addicted and need higher and higher doses to feel okay,which would be not good at all.
i want to just stay home and not deal.i also am concerned,because when i miss work due to depression,it has consequences that make me feel even worse. getting further behind on my work,
running out of sick days so i'll eventually be losing money if i'm ever out for sickness,depression (well,that IS a sickness) or anything else,and worst of all,making life more difficult for my co-workers and bosses because someone's got to pick up the slack and we're always short handed anyway...it's really stressful.
but it's hard to go to work. first,i have this really stressful commute which adds to my hatred of people and i feel really bad about hating humans more and more every day,but i can't seem to help it.
people often tailgate me even though i'm generally driving about 5 miles over the speed limit. but i also try to leave room in FRONT of me because tailgating is dangerous,so i don't do it to other people. i see tailgaters all the time 'pushing' people who are just going a reasonable speed. i'll have someone behind me who's leaving space in case i ever have to slam on the brakes,and someone is behind THEM right on their bumper and then they start getting closer because someone is 'pushing' them. i get so so angry every day driving to work.and then i go to work and people leave piles of books and magazines everywhere rather than returning them to where they got them after they've read them for free,often in comfortable expensive chairs the bookstore provides them with. and i especially get pissed off at people who read the paper,folding back pages,and leaving it behind in a crumbled mess for me to reassemble for the next person. i get so mad that often if they're too messed up i just try to find the front page so we can get credit for it and i put it in the return pile even if it's the current date. i refuse to reassemble the same fucking newspaper twice!
granted,i have a low tolerance for frustration and get angry a lot.these are not major crimes but i think it's very inconsiderate and i hate that in people. when i have to clean up,i get further behind in my work and it takes me longer to get the new magazines on the shelves.i'm already overworked as we all are...retail businesses generally make a thin payroll so they can squeeze as much out of you as possible with the greatest profit margin to them,which definitely doesn't trickle down to us in the form of wages. (but gee,the bush administration wants to give them a tax break when i'm having trouble finding a way to pay my rent!) and anyway,if you get stressed or injured,they can hire someone to replace you at a cheaper wage...
well,so a couple of reasons why i want to stay home,especially when i'm feeling depressed.
it sucks being poor and depressed.
anyway,i've got my depression tunnel vision right now. i don't feel like going to the doctor for more medication either...i don't really have time for an appointment as i've had to use up time needed for other chores twice in the last few weeks for going to the doctor's for a couple of other things that just have made my life such a joy.
oh,well. i'll eat some sugar now which will make me feel better in the short run and actually contribute to my depression in the long run!
and then i get to go visit my mother in the nursing home this week on my monday 'off'. i hate going to visit her...not because i hate her,but because i hate the drive over there and then i don't know what to do,because she can't talk and she can't really respond to questions or do much of anything mentally anymore,so i just don't know what to do when i'm there. and of course i feel depressed when i leave.
well,happy valentine's day!
i want to just stay home and not deal.i also am concerned,because when i miss work due to depression,it has consequences that make me feel even worse. getting further behind on my work,
running out of sick days so i'll eventually be losing money if i'm ever out for sickness,depression (well,that IS a sickness) or anything else,and worst of all,making life more difficult for my co-workers and bosses because someone's got to pick up the slack and we're always short handed anyway...it's really stressful.
but it's hard to go to work. first,i have this really stressful commute which adds to my hatred of people and i feel really bad about hating humans more and more every day,but i can't seem to help it.
people often tailgate me even though i'm generally driving about 5 miles over the speed limit. but i also try to leave room in FRONT of me because tailgating is dangerous,so i don't do it to other people. i see tailgaters all the time 'pushing' people who are just going a reasonable speed. i'll have someone behind me who's leaving space in case i ever have to slam on the brakes,and someone is behind THEM right on their bumper and then they start getting closer because someone is 'pushing' them. i get so so angry every day driving to work.and then i go to work and people leave piles of books and magazines everywhere rather than returning them to where they got them after they've read them for free,often in comfortable expensive chairs the bookstore provides them with. and i especially get pissed off at people who read the paper,folding back pages,and leaving it behind in a crumbled mess for me to reassemble for the next person. i get so mad that often if they're too messed up i just try to find the front page so we can get credit for it and i put it in the return pile even if it's the current date. i refuse to reassemble the same fucking newspaper twice!
granted,i have a low tolerance for frustration and get angry a lot.these are not major crimes but i think it's very inconsiderate and i hate that in people. when i have to clean up,i get further behind in my work and it takes me longer to get the new magazines on the shelves.i'm already overworked as we all are...retail businesses generally make a thin payroll so they can squeeze as much out of you as possible with the greatest profit margin to them,which definitely doesn't trickle down to us in the form of wages. (but gee,the bush administration wants to give them a tax break when i'm having trouble finding a way to pay my rent!) and anyway,if you get stressed or injured,they can hire someone to replace you at a cheaper wage...
well,so a couple of reasons why i want to stay home,especially when i'm feeling depressed.
it sucks being poor and depressed.
anyway,i've got my depression tunnel vision right now. i don't feel like going to the doctor for more medication either...i don't really have time for an appointment as i've had to use up time needed for other chores twice in the last few weeks for going to the doctor's for a couple of other things that just have made my life such a joy.
oh,well. i'll eat some sugar now which will make me feel better in the short run and actually contribute to my depression in the long run!
and then i get to go visit my mother in the nursing home this week on my monday 'off'. i hate going to visit her...not because i hate her,but because i hate the drive over there and then i don't know what to do,because she can't talk and she can't really respond to questions or do much of anything mentally anymore,so i just don't know what to do when i'm there. and of course i feel depressed when i leave.
well,happy valentine's day!