bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-02-15 02:39 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-02-15 02:39 pm
adventures underground with hades
i suck.
well,not really. but let's just say i'm sick or i have some challenges or...something.
this entire work week i've had to really push myself to go to work,as i've been feeling pretty depressed. but at first i figured it was just a bit of pms. but it isn't. it doesn't seem to be going away. i haven't had this long a stretch of acute depression since i started taking wellbutrin last september. sure,i've been depressed,and with good reason,but with the medication,i was able to bounce back...it didn't last so long and it didn't expand to encompass hopelessness and despair about my entire life,until now.
anyway,i just couldn't push myself to go to work today. saturdays are both stressful and boring and irritating and i just couldn't push myself to go through the usual terrifying commute and deal with such all day. i hate calling in sick and i feel bad about it.
someone at work yesterday suggested i might have seasonal affective disorder,which,yes,i do as i get the really bad blues in the winter. but i thought being on this medication this year it might not happen. so i don't know if that's the problem or what.
i'm supposed to go visit my mother in the nursing home on monday.i say supposed to because i go every other week to see her,and the opposite week i have lunch with dad. yes,that's pretty much my social life these days. i enjoy lunch with dad though. we have little in common but it's just relaxing because dad pretty much accepts me as i am and listens to me.
i got a valentine's day card of sorts from mom. she may not have had any valentines cards to send which makes me feel badly,but then again she might simply not realize that sending a cute little card with flowers on it isn't a valentine's day card. it breaks my heart that she thought to send me a card (well,i sent her one earlier this week and that may or may not have made her think of it) because i'm really attached to mom even if she's been remote because of her own problems and now she's remote because her mind is like that of a child. anyway,the card just said 'diane i love you,diane.' the christmas card she sent me was kind of disjointed too. mom's brain doesn't work very well for her anymore.
on monday i should see about getting into the doctor and maybe upping my medication or SOMETHING which means i'll need to stay home to wait for a call back from the doctor and i won't be able to visit mom. and i can call her but i feel badly because she can't speak (she lost that capacity a while ago...it's connected to the brain problem...she can make sounds,but not intelligibly) and when i call she can hear my voice but can't reply and i don't know if that's frustrating for her.
also,two of my other sisters go see her more often...one lives fairly close by to her,and the other has more of a flexible schedule than i do because she works at home...but i still feel guilty that i don't do more,and depression makes it even harder. one of the big reasons i finally relented and went on medication was so that i was able to help more with mom's care before she got into the nursing home. my sisters have had to do so much and i don't feel like i've helped much.
i've also got to call about seeing about counseling,i suppose,even though i don't have time for it and it's never helped much in the past. i have to try anyway.
i was thinking about finding out if you can get short term disability for acute depression...if a doctor can order you to stay home for a bit. i thin i get even more depressed because i'm stressed not being able to get things done that need to be...and i haven't had an actual vacation where i wasn't sick,injured or taking care of my mother for about three years. i dont know if it would help or make it worse for me to be home for a week or so...but i don't have vacation until june and i really need something.
i'm home today because if i'm feeling bad i at least feel slightly better at home than i do at work.
the bad thing about being out sick today is that i can't get anything rolling as far as my mental health goes...it's the weekend. on the slightly plus side,no shipments come in at work on saturday and at least i was there to take care of most of it during the week.there were a few boxes left to put out but someone is supposed to have a shift to help me out on saturday morning,so hopefully that worked out. and someone else (if they have anyone to spare,which is doubtful) can tidy up and put things away in my corner of the store as well as i can. well,almost,but good enough. of course it's easier for me because i know where everything goes,so i'm quicker,but other people CAN do that part of the job.
wow.it's about three o'clock. i always think of that as tea party time;i don't know why!
maybe if i couldn't write i'd go nuts...or rather,more so. some people write morbid poetry...i write essays and mull over philosophical stuff and the nature of the universe and talk about my frailties and ailments in a particularly tangential rambling fashion which is boring most of the time....no,don't say something nice...i AM boring a lot of the time...i suppose i'd be more entertaining,possibly,if i enjoyed editing myself,but i don't. thank goodness this isn't required reading...
thank you for not being a void...it's nice to know that different folks at different times venture to read my self-absorbed ruminations. i guess it helps if you enjoy seeing big words used in a sentence too,because that's one of my little hobbies.
i think i will now go join that caterpillar with the hookah sitting on his mushroom...i wonder what he's doing sitting on the roof of my house anyway?
well,not really. but let's just say i'm sick or i have some challenges or...something.
this entire work week i've had to really push myself to go to work,as i've been feeling pretty depressed. but at first i figured it was just a bit of pms. but it isn't. it doesn't seem to be going away. i haven't had this long a stretch of acute depression since i started taking wellbutrin last september. sure,i've been depressed,and with good reason,but with the medication,i was able to bounce back...it didn't last so long and it didn't expand to encompass hopelessness and despair about my entire life,until now.
anyway,i just couldn't push myself to go to work today. saturdays are both stressful and boring and irritating and i just couldn't push myself to go through the usual terrifying commute and deal with such all day. i hate calling in sick and i feel bad about it.
someone at work yesterday suggested i might have seasonal affective disorder,which,yes,i do as i get the really bad blues in the winter. but i thought being on this medication this year it might not happen. so i don't know if that's the problem or what.
i'm supposed to go visit my mother in the nursing home on monday.i say supposed to because i go every other week to see her,and the opposite week i have lunch with dad. yes,that's pretty much my social life these days. i enjoy lunch with dad though. we have little in common but it's just relaxing because dad pretty much accepts me as i am and listens to me.
i got a valentine's day card of sorts from mom. she may not have had any valentines cards to send which makes me feel badly,but then again she might simply not realize that sending a cute little card with flowers on it isn't a valentine's day card. it breaks my heart that she thought to send me a card (well,i sent her one earlier this week and that may or may not have made her think of it) because i'm really attached to mom even if she's been remote because of her own problems and now she's remote because her mind is like that of a child. anyway,the card just said 'diane i love you,diane.' the christmas card she sent me was kind of disjointed too. mom's brain doesn't work very well for her anymore.
on monday i should see about getting into the doctor and maybe upping my medication or SOMETHING which means i'll need to stay home to wait for a call back from the doctor and i won't be able to visit mom. and i can call her but i feel badly because she can't speak (she lost that capacity a while ago...it's connected to the brain problem...she can make sounds,but not intelligibly) and when i call she can hear my voice but can't reply and i don't know if that's frustrating for her.
also,two of my other sisters go see her more often...one lives fairly close by to her,and the other has more of a flexible schedule than i do because she works at home...but i still feel guilty that i don't do more,and depression makes it even harder. one of the big reasons i finally relented and went on medication was so that i was able to help more with mom's care before she got into the nursing home. my sisters have had to do so much and i don't feel like i've helped much.
i've also got to call about seeing about counseling,i suppose,even though i don't have time for it and it's never helped much in the past. i have to try anyway.
i was thinking about finding out if you can get short term disability for acute depression...if a doctor can order you to stay home for a bit. i thin i get even more depressed because i'm stressed not being able to get things done that need to be...and i haven't had an actual vacation where i wasn't sick,injured or taking care of my mother for about three years. i dont know if it would help or make it worse for me to be home for a week or so...but i don't have vacation until june and i really need something.
i'm home today because if i'm feeling bad i at least feel slightly better at home than i do at work.
the bad thing about being out sick today is that i can't get anything rolling as far as my mental health goes...it's the weekend. on the slightly plus side,no shipments come in at work on saturday and at least i was there to take care of most of it during the week.there were a few boxes left to put out but someone is supposed to have a shift to help me out on saturday morning,so hopefully that worked out. and someone else (if they have anyone to spare,which is doubtful) can tidy up and put things away in my corner of the store as well as i can. well,almost,but good enough. of course it's easier for me because i know where everything goes,so i'm quicker,but other people CAN do that part of the job.
wow.it's about three o'clock. i always think of that as tea party time;i don't know why!
maybe if i couldn't write i'd go nuts...or rather,more so. some people write morbid poetry...i write essays and mull over philosophical stuff and the nature of the universe and talk about my frailties and ailments in a particularly tangential rambling fashion which is boring most of the time....no,don't say something nice...i AM boring a lot of the time...i suppose i'd be more entertaining,possibly,if i enjoyed editing myself,but i don't. thank goodness this isn't required reading...
thank you for not being a void...it's nice to know that different folks at different times venture to read my self-absorbed ruminations. i guess it helps if you enjoy seeing big words used in a sentence too,because that's one of my little hobbies.
i think i will now go join that caterpillar with the hookah sitting on his mushroom...i wonder what he's doing sitting on the roof of my house anyway?
passover doorways