bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-02-18 01:09 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-02-18 01:09 pm
looking for insights
i was trying to find a community to post this on so that i could get feedback from folks about a pretty targeted subject. but i guess it's so specific that no community is quite appropriate...at least that i could find. i wanted something that combined a spiritual big picture viewpoint while at the same time acknowledging the day to day difficulties of the problem of depression. the nondualists would just tell me it's all an illusion. i dont disagree,but on a practical level,i'm too dense (literally,on an spirit/energy level) to be able to connect with that philosophy just yet. and if i got to the depression groups,most are centered on using medication. because my ponderings are about this:
i'm trying to decide if i should call the doctor and ask if she can increase the dosage of the medication i'm taking (wellbutrin) as i felt somewhat human for the last five months since i've been on it,but now suddenly i feel like i'm getting sucked down into that whirlpool of irrational depression again...the kind with chronic despair and thoughts of suicide,as opposed to just being bummed out over a bad day (or bad moment) and then getting over it and moving on. now,it may be i have real reason for depression and it's NOT irrational...i don't know how i'm going to survive when my savings run out and there are extreme difficulties with all the options i've come up with in thinking about it for more than a year. also,my mother is terminally ill and has dementia and is deteriorating rapidly. i dread going to visit her but i love her so i do anyway.
i don't have any close friends nearby so i'm kind of isolated and have bad bouts of loneliness at times. and a few varied and sundry things that i worry about in regards to my future and health.
so,maybe it's NOT irrational,but it sure feels like it.
anyway,some part of me wants to take into account the spiritual aspects of something like depression. i think depression is something trying to get a message to you. if you just take a pill,you're not getting the message...i don't know if anyone will understand that point though. but i'm writing this just in case anyone wants to share some thoughts on that.
i'm trying to decide if i should call the doctor and ask if she can increase the dosage of the medication i'm taking (wellbutrin) as i felt somewhat human for the last five months since i've been on it,but now suddenly i feel like i'm getting sucked down into that whirlpool of irrational depression again...the kind with chronic despair and thoughts of suicide,as opposed to just being bummed out over a bad day (or bad moment) and then getting over it and moving on. now,it may be i have real reason for depression and it's NOT irrational...i don't know how i'm going to survive when my savings run out and there are extreme difficulties with all the options i've come up with in thinking about it for more than a year. also,my mother is terminally ill and has dementia and is deteriorating rapidly. i dread going to visit her but i love her so i do anyway.
i don't have any close friends nearby so i'm kind of isolated and have bad bouts of loneliness at times. and a few varied and sundry things that i worry about in regards to my future and health.
so,maybe it's NOT irrational,but it sure feels like it.
anyway,some part of me wants to take into account the spiritual aspects of something like depression. i think depression is something trying to get a message to you. if you just take a pill,you're not getting the message...i don't know if anyone will understand that point though. but i'm writing this just in case anyone wants to share some thoughts on that.