looking for insights

[bluegreen17]

i was trying to find a community to post this on so that i could get feedback from folks about a pretty targeted subject. but i guess it's so specific that no community is quite appropriate...at least that i could find. i wanted something that combined a spiritual big picture viewpoint while at the same time acknowledging the day to day difficulties of the problem of depression. the nondualists would just tell me it's all an illusion. i dont disagree,but on a practical level,i'm too dense (literally,on an spirit/energy level) to be able to connect with that philosophy just yet. and if i got to the depression groups,most are centered on using medication. because my ponderings are about this:

i'm trying to decide if i should call the doctor and ask if she can increase the dosage of the medication i'm taking (wellbutrin) as i felt somewhat human for the last five months since i've been on it,but now suddenly i feel like i'm getting sucked down into that whirlpool of irrational depression again...the kind with chronic despair and thoughts of suicide,as opposed to just being bummed out over a bad day (or bad moment) and then getting over it and moving on. now,it may be i have real reason for depression and it's NOT irrational...i don't know how i'm going to survive when my savings run out and there are extreme difficulties with all the options i've come up with in thinking about it for more than a year. also,my mother is terminally ill and has dementia and is deteriorating rapidly. i dread going to visit her but i love her so i do anyway.
i don't have any close friends nearby so i'm kind of isolated and have bad bouts of loneliness at times. and a few varied and sundry things that i worry about in regards to my future and health.

so,maybe it's NOT irrational,but it sure feels like it.

anyway,some part of me wants to take into account the spiritual aspects of something like depression. i think depression is something trying to get a message to you. if you just take a pill,you're not getting the message...i don't know if anyone will understand that point though. but i'm writing this just in case anyone wants to share some thoughts on that.

Comments

[aprilstorme.livejournal.com]

Have you read much in existentialism? I think there is a spiritual link there. Victor Frankl wrote a wonderful book about his accounts during the holocaust and how he dealt with it emotionally. I think its called Mans Search for Meaning and only takes a couple of hours to read. If you havnt read that try it out, its spiritually and emotionally fullfilling.

Okay Im gonna play advice giver here on things that have helped me. I posted before on the chakra system. Im not sure how true they are but when I was reading up on them people who were depressed alot were said to have had their first chakra broken. That is they lived too much in their minds and their physical body was being neglected. The less they lived in their minds and the more they did physical things such as exercise, eating well, self massage, hugs, ets the better they got. I think the book on that was eastern body western mind or vice versa. At any rate, since I have been exercising I have seemed to have come out of my depression in a way that no pills ever could bring me.

Other spiritual books could include John Edwards One More Time or a book called We Do Not Die or What Dreams May Come. They give us pause to think about our lives and how they are shaped and to let us know we arent always the ones in charge. Every experience is here for a reason, we just need to look deep inside ourselves for that reason. Because of what you are going through reading What Dreams May Come may help you deal with death and loss. I know it soothed me and after that I wasnt afraid anymore.

You could ask your doc to up your prescription. Maybe they would even change it. Celexa is kinda nice but Im not sure if its for you. I couldnt tolerate Wellbutrin I became a raging banshee lol. Im now pill free except for my nightly dose of sleeping aid which I hope to come off of soon.

If you ever want to chat let me know. Im a wealth of useless advice and I have msn msnger.

Take care
April

[bluegreen17]

hi. i want to thank you for taking the time to write all that. i just wrote a long note in answer TWICE and both times lost the whole damned thing by hitting my back button,which happens every once in a while. i can only guess that the gods didn't want me to write what i wrote at this time! ha. i'm too frustrated to try again anyway,so i'll take the 'hint'.

wellbutrin made you angry and irritable? i guess it can make people more anxious and it is a mild stimulant. for me,that actually helps and i'm LESS anxious because part of my anxiety has come from irrational thoughts (including ocd type contamination fears) and the wellbutrin has for the most part helped with the irrational thoughts. i think right now i just have a lot of things that are difficult in my life and we've had a tough winter but even if not,there's less light and i think maybe a higher dose might be needed for now. i do know that it's helped me. i did get a higher prescription which i will pick up in a few days.so i'll go from 300 mg. of the sustained release to 400 mg. of same. you can't go any higher than 450 anyway because of risk of seizures i think,not that i'm happy to be taking a higher dose,but if it helps me to get to work,then i'll take it. i have to work,i can't afford to lose my job.

thanks for the offer to chat. i actually don't have the technology (msn tv) for most tv but i find it helps a lot to connect on livejournal.

well,time is fleeting as usual,but again thanks very much!