bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-02-28 12:53 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-02-28 12:53 pm
glass heart,grey heart
"And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on"
i feel guilty about going on vacation next week because the work is so piled up even though i'm not sitting around smoking cigars. but if i don't go on vacation,i think i'll lose my mind. or something. i really don't know how staying at home will go but i've got to try something different than the usual dragging-my-self-and-just-trying-to-keep-going routine. gotta try something new,because obviously what i've been doing for forty plus years isn't working.
in pondering the fact that the wellbutrin doesn't seem to be helping anymore (and i've now read of several other cases where medications that were working just stop working) it seems to me that it's a case of building up a tolerance. and if you're building up a tolerance,then you've got yourself a little addiction going,even though supposedly these drugs aren't addicting. i don't believe official literature; i believe what the people who have actually used the stuff tell me,as well as my own experience.
so i felt good for a day and thought that the higher dose was helping,but it doesn't seem to be and maybe it's not enough to overcome the tolerance level.
i was hesitant to even increase the dosage of wellbutrin,a medication that i've had success with few side effects...just a bit of trouble falling asleep at first,but then it went away. and it seems that wellbutrin is the drug least likely to have side effects. so i lucked out for a few months and it got me through the worst days of taking care of my mom before she got into the nursing home.
i really don't think i'm going to go the round of taking a 'cocktail' of drugs as i've heard it phrased...you take several psychatric drugs,trying different combinations of meds until you hit something that seems to work. and when that stops working,you start all over again.
i don't know,there seems something really amiss about that.
i think i'm going to eventually wean myself off this drug,and at most i might take it from,say,december to april if it helps me get through the winters where i get even more depressed,since it seems to work for awhile,and if i go off it,the tolerance will go away and it might work for me again occasionally.
it'd be nice to find a cure for depression. i read all this propaganda about it being 'highly treatable'...anything is highly treatable,for crying out loud...doesn't mean it's cured.
i read a note where someone well-meaningly was telling someone else to hang on and not think about suicide,because it 'wont' last forever'. hmmm...for me,it always comes back,and the breaks in between episodes are shorter and shorter,or maybe it just seems that way. i think the term would be 'recurrent depression'. i don't think i have dsythmia because i do have good days every once in a while,and i don't think folks with dysthmia ever do. i think that's sad to never have a good day,but i don't know,maybe if you always feel a certain way you don't feel so bad because you don't know what you're missing,y'know?
i'm not giving up because i really can't. or won't do that to my family if i can help it. but i do worry about being a liability to the family if i get worse and worse. up until last year,i didn't miss a day of work every week due to depression. for years,i've just dragged myself through my dark times,and rarely missed work. and i find i can't do that anymore. i don't know if i'm just weary after all these years or what. and i do think if life was a little kinder to me these days i wouldn't feel quite so bad. i have had times in my life that i was happy but sometimes i used to have a life that was pretty decent. and my life has been both difficult and empty and lonely for a long time now. i have this crazy notion which i wouldn't mind proving true,that when saturn gets out of the sign of gemini in early june this year,my life will start to improve,SOMEHOW. i don't know how with a dying mother who's mind is more far gone every time i see her and we haven't even gotten the worst parts of her dying yet. i wish she could just die in her sleep before all that happens...having to have a feeding tube,having trouble breathing. as it is now,once in a while she has a bit of a coughing fit with difficulty breathing and the look on her face is the look of a small child scared to death asking what is happening to me? and can you help me? i feel so badly for my mom.she's had a tough life in many aspects,and now she's having a tough death.
anyway,the worst of my luck started in june of 2001 when i hurt my leg a few days before going on vacation. i thought i just had a shin splint and it really hurt,but i figured i could rest it when i went on vacation and i kept working hard because i wanted to get a bunch of stuff done before i went on vacation. but as it turned out,my foot got all swollen on the first day of my vacation,and then i had to spend the entire vacation with my leg elevated and all i could do was watch movies. couldn't do much reading or writing,and certainly no walking or dancing. that was my vacation week. and then i had to stay out of work a second week because it still was bad.
and since then,even more things have happened that have been very very difficult. i've always been prone to depression anyway,so this didn't help. and i really haven't had any friends around here for awhile...no close friends anyway. and close friends help you get through this sort of stuff,you know? my family's been as supportive as they can,but sometimes they werent' really able to. and then with my mother getting sick a year ago and even though i was really depressed i had to do what i could to help out. and i still feel guilty because with the frequency of my depressive episodes of varying intensity,sometimes i'm just not much help,and my sisters don't really seem to understand that depression is a sickness and it's hard to do things that are difficult...hell,it's hard to get out of bed every morning...when you feel awful like that. they just think i'm lazy or selfish. which i don't mean to be,that's for sure. i'd rather be happy and helpful,but it's hard to be really sad and helpful. it can be done sometimes,but it's really difficult.
and now i suppose i need to do things like take the garbage out and brush and floss and get my lunch together and go to work. at least the sun's out.
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on"
i feel guilty about going on vacation next week because the work is so piled up even though i'm not sitting around smoking cigars. but if i don't go on vacation,i think i'll lose my mind. or something. i really don't know how staying at home will go but i've got to try something different than the usual dragging-my-self-and-just-trying-to-keep-going routine. gotta try something new,because obviously what i've been doing for forty plus years isn't working.
in pondering the fact that the wellbutrin doesn't seem to be helping anymore (and i've now read of several other cases where medications that were working just stop working) it seems to me that it's a case of building up a tolerance. and if you're building up a tolerance,then you've got yourself a little addiction going,even though supposedly these drugs aren't addicting. i don't believe official literature; i believe what the people who have actually used the stuff tell me,as well as my own experience.
so i felt good for a day and thought that the higher dose was helping,but it doesn't seem to be and maybe it's not enough to overcome the tolerance level.
i was hesitant to even increase the dosage of wellbutrin,a medication that i've had success with few side effects...just a bit of trouble falling asleep at first,but then it went away. and it seems that wellbutrin is the drug least likely to have side effects. so i lucked out for a few months and it got me through the worst days of taking care of my mom before she got into the nursing home.
i really don't think i'm going to go the round of taking a 'cocktail' of drugs as i've heard it phrased...you take several psychatric drugs,trying different combinations of meds until you hit something that seems to work. and when that stops working,you start all over again.
i don't know,there seems something really amiss about that.
i think i'm going to eventually wean myself off this drug,and at most i might take it from,say,december to april if it helps me get through the winters where i get even more depressed,since it seems to work for awhile,and if i go off it,the tolerance will go away and it might work for me again occasionally.
it'd be nice to find a cure for depression. i read all this propaganda about it being 'highly treatable'...anything is highly treatable,for crying out loud...doesn't mean it's cured.
i read a note where someone well-meaningly was telling someone else to hang on and not think about suicide,because it 'wont' last forever'. hmmm...for me,it always comes back,and the breaks in between episodes are shorter and shorter,or maybe it just seems that way. i think the term would be 'recurrent depression'. i don't think i have dsythmia because i do have good days every once in a while,and i don't think folks with dysthmia ever do. i think that's sad to never have a good day,but i don't know,maybe if you always feel a certain way you don't feel so bad because you don't know what you're missing,y'know?
i'm not giving up because i really can't. or won't do that to my family if i can help it. but i do worry about being a liability to the family if i get worse and worse. up until last year,i didn't miss a day of work every week due to depression. for years,i've just dragged myself through my dark times,and rarely missed work. and i find i can't do that anymore. i don't know if i'm just weary after all these years or what. and i do think if life was a little kinder to me these days i wouldn't feel quite so bad. i have had times in my life that i was happy but sometimes i used to have a life that was pretty decent. and my life has been both difficult and empty and lonely for a long time now. i have this crazy notion which i wouldn't mind proving true,that when saturn gets out of the sign of gemini in early june this year,my life will start to improve,SOMEHOW. i don't know how with a dying mother who's mind is more far gone every time i see her and we haven't even gotten the worst parts of her dying yet. i wish she could just die in her sleep before all that happens...having to have a feeding tube,having trouble breathing. as it is now,once in a while she has a bit of a coughing fit with difficulty breathing and the look on her face is the look of a small child scared to death asking what is happening to me? and can you help me? i feel so badly for my mom.she's had a tough life in many aspects,and now she's having a tough death.
anyway,the worst of my luck started in june of 2001 when i hurt my leg a few days before going on vacation. i thought i just had a shin splint and it really hurt,but i figured i could rest it when i went on vacation and i kept working hard because i wanted to get a bunch of stuff done before i went on vacation. but as it turned out,my foot got all swollen on the first day of my vacation,and then i had to spend the entire vacation with my leg elevated and all i could do was watch movies. couldn't do much reading or writing,and certainly no walking or dancing. that was my vacation week. and then i had to stay out of work a second week because it still was bad.
and since then,even more things have happened that have been very very difficult. i've always been prone to depression anyway,so this didn't help. and i really haven't had any friends around here for awhile...no close friends anyway. and close friends help you get through this sort of stuff,you know? my family's been as supportive as they can,but sometimes they werent' really able to. and then with my mother getting sick a year ago and even though i was really depressed i had to do what i could to help out. and i still feel guilty because with the frequency of my depressive episodes of varying intensity,sometimes i'm just not much help,and my sisters don't really seem to understand that depression is a sickness and it's hard to do things that are difficult...hell,it's hard to get out of bed every morning...when you feel awful like that. they just think i'm lazy or selfish. which i don't mean to be,that's for sure. i'd rather be happy and helpful,but it's hard to be really sad and helpful. it can be done sometimes,but it's really difficult.
and now i suppose i need to do things like take the garbage out and brush and floss and get my lunch together and go to work. at least the sun's out.
no subject
Antidepressants require trace minerals and B-complex in order to impact your brain chemistry as designed. In fact, they use more of these resources than your body normally would when not on them, although these drugs are frequently prescribed to "treat" conditions already associated with low vitamin, mineral, and b-complex levels. My reading has led me to theorize that in many of the cases in which these drugs "stop working" it's because the building blocks they work with have become almost completely exhausted - an assembly line can't work without raw materials! I even read several cases where antidepressant doses had to be drastically reduced or cut off entirely after applying nutritional and supplemental solutions because they were suddenly again able to work as intended and overwhelmed the patient.
Just something to think about, anyway. Good luck! (=
no subject
such as,when i had to take antibiotics for a heinous sinus infection,i asked the doc if it was likely it would bother my stomach. he said 'oh,maybe lower g.i. stuff" and i said,well i was going to take acidophilus anyway...and he kind of laughed,but he wouldn't have told me that...would have let me just get a lousy yeast infection instead...anyhow!
i've taken b-vitamins before...the whole complex,and it didn't seem to make a difference. and i didn't realize that something like wellbutrin would DEPLETE vitamins...i had no idea. how did you find this out?
if i hadn't been desperate, i never would have taken anything,but it did help me get through an extra extra rough time,but now i'm feeling low again and i'm getting pms irritability again...it was two weeks of much hell every month before i started on medication. but i think i need to find another way...not that i haven't been looking my entire life,but anyway...
i'm quite discouraged but i do appreciate the tips.
oh,my eating habits are quite good EXCEPT that i eat a lot of sweets...and i KNOW i eat them because i feel mentally bad a lot. seriously,the other day i had an espresso brownie and i felt quite good. the caffeine and chocolate help but of course i develop tolerance if i eat too much.
as for exercise,i get quite a lot of exercise at work...especially excellent since i have bad circulation in my legs...and i may have to give up this job because i don't earn enough and i don't know of a decent cheaper place to live and don't know anyone to live with...
sorry,i do go on.
well,i'll have to think about the vitamins. it would be difficult to afford them,but maybe if i stop the medication i can use that money.
thanks for taking the time to leave me a note.
i dont' know if i should say this,but what the hell...but you DO so much and have so much energy and the contrast to how little i do makes me feel like a horrible underachiever even more than i already do. i don't know why i can't get things done other than because i feel so low so often. i just don't understand myself...and am baffled at why i feel (and probably am) a failure. i'm not a bad person,i just feel like i haven't done much in my life.
ah,well,you're not my therapist!
thanks again,
diane