*exasperated scream*

[bluegreen17]

god* must have mistaken me for job. well,at least that's how i FEEL.i hate the story of job. god seems obnoxious and extremely unkind in that story. since comprehension isn't my strong suit, if there's some positive meaning in that story i've missed it.
i'm pissed off.

i'm feeling pretty damned depressed,and i just INCREASED my medication.
being_angyl left me a kind note and amongst other things,mentioned that antidepressants can deplete your body of vitamins and it really pisses me off that no one tells you these things! so now i have to go out and buy some vitamins because my body's worse off than it was before.being in a very bad mood,the only positive thing i have to say about wellbutrin right now is that it probably kept me from committing suicide while it was necessary to care for my mother...and it would have been a pretty damned awful thing to do to my family,especially at that point,even if i'd done it only because i couldnt' stand the pain of living anymore. so it got me through that,but what's going to get me through the rest...my mom's dying and death,and all the rest of what looks like a bleak future?

i'm pissed off because i don't want to go down the road of experimenting with 'cocktails' of more drugs i can't afford that will stop working and cause side effects and keep me in thrall to drugs for the rest of my life. which will be great when i become a bag lady and go through withdrawal on the streets by myself.

i'm pissed off because they say when you get depressed you should make sure not to isolate yourself...but what the hell am i supposed to do? people don't like hanging around with depressed people and obviously the good things about me don't outweigh the bad things about me,or i wouldn't be alone. and i don't really want to hang around with other depressed people because it makes me more depressed.

strangely,i felt better BEFORE i got up this morning and i feel worse now..it's usually the other way around.

i just keep thinking i'm not a very good person because people go through worse crap than i do and they still make positive contributions in life. why the hell do i feel incapable of doing anything?

right now i just want to curl up and die. but not really. what i want is some positive reason to be alive and to have some sign of hope that i wont' feel like this forever and that my life won't suck forever. i don't even know how i'm going to survive in the future. i suck so bad i can't even figure out a way to support myself.
i'm not evil,i'm just pretty useless and a drag on every one around me more often than not and i don't feel like i can help it...and i end up hating myself.

yeah,well,believe it or not,that's the end of my ranting for the moment. perhaps i'm too pissed off to even write anymore right now.

and no,obviously i don't have much shame to be airing my dirty mental laundry so often,but sometimes it's the only way i don't feel like i'm alone on the planet. so thank you any brave souls who read my crap. i probably won't hate myself forever,but i sure do now.

p.s. it's baaaackk...
yes,this seems to be the return of the pms hell obnoxious irritable angry self that lasted for two weeks. fuck. i hope i'm wrong.

*if he/she/it exists

Comments

[thisside.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're suffering so... I know what it feels like to feel buried and like you're never going to get out. I feel like I could have written this entry. I'm on wellbutrin too, if that means anything, but my doctor never said anything about vitamin depletion either. Hmm... I hope things get better for you, I really do.

[bluegreen17]

thank you. i appreciate it!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I can see how frustrating this must be, and hope you work through this well.

[bluegreen17]

thanks. i appreciate your supportive thoughts!

I did it with and without the drugs, its ok...itll work out

[mcowgirl.livejournal.com]

I saw u and thought "hey that was me" so i added you to my friends list. Drugs are evil man, i remember being on aropax and sitting on the shower floor thinking that my forehead was going to hit the tiles (which were flying up at me btw) i then went on serepax and oxazepam and each psych session they would up the dose. it messes with your body heaps.but i understand how you feel, when everything and everyone is pissing you off and you feel like somethings squishing your head and you just want to be anywhere but you body or this world and away from people. if only we could move to mars...how you get through it?? well as funny as it sounds i had an aromatherapy massage- expensive but f*king fantastic, youd have to have a fairly open mind but once you feel the heat your minds buzzing and you wake up feeling like a hperactive drunk for a while. i've never been that low since then, its been 2 years. my advice though is try every thing possible without the drugs because you sound like you do want to be anywhere but where you are. and in the mean time, find a good friend to talk to (I'm here btw)because all psychs will do is analyse criticize and overprescribe. mcowgirl***