bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-03-02 11:45 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-03-02 11:45 pm
beauty
i'm on vacation! and it feels great. it was weird last night to be driving home from work and it was snowing and i was starting my vacation.
today i actually got up early for me...9:30 when i usually get up at 11 or later. it's funny how when i dont HAVE to get up early but know the entire day is MINE,i feel excited about it and want to get up earlier. and when i have to work,i'm too depressed and have to drag myself out of bed...and it's not like i work in the coal mines. my job is actually pretty good,but it's that i have to drive through horrible traffic and i have to be there at a certain time,and it takes up such a chunk of my time...
i've had this fantasy of working part-time...20 hours a week,4 hours for five days. that would be sooo wonderful. ah,well.
there is so much i like to do on my own. reading,writing and researching are just three things i love to do,and i can amuse myself for quite a long time. (we'll see how it goes this week,as i live alone,have nine days off and i'm only going to see my sister and my mom,but that seems okay with me. there are a couple of people i want to get together with sometime,but it's really an effort to do so. not so with my sister sara,which is why i asked her if she wanted to get together sometime this week. as for visiting mom, i dread it because her mind is getting so bad...she's like a petulant two year old. if you take her out and try to restrain her so she won't go out in traffic,she hits you. not in a mean way,but she wants to get away...just like a child. but she's an adult and she's pretty strong. the one thing my mom always worried about was alzhemier's and she ended up with a similar type of dementia,along with lou gehrig's disease.)
today i listened to the beatles and did my usual sunday things...groceries at the natural foods store and then the supermarket,going to the gas station,laundry...but it didn't seem so bad today because i didnt feel rushed. i also went to the library. i used one of the computers and it's funny but my livejournal user page looks sooo different on a computer than it does on my tv through my msntv browser. kinda freaky.
i borrowed 'a wrinkle in time' by madeleine l'engle just to read the ending...it's so brilliant and wonderful. and i wanted to borrow something by william gibson and give reading some fiction a shot this week. they only had 'idoru' but that looks pretty interesting.
when i go to visit my mom,i may stop in to two or even three other area libraries where i can use my card. that'll be fun,and it adds something fun to my trip to visit my mother,which makes me sad.
my sister and i were talking about this today. we go visit her and the visit seems interminable (is that the right word for neverending?) because she can't communicate and we have to fight with her because she wants to go out and it isn't really safe to take her out because she's so hard to handle. we feel bad,because as her condition progresses,she wont' be outside much. i just told my sister that even if we feel like we arent doing anything when we visit her and we feel stupid,our presence means something. not to our mother's failing mental self,but to her inner emotional self. she's still in there somewhere.
my sister sara and i are going to get together for lunch tomorrow and hang out for awhile. she took a personal day off from work to get some things done,so she's going to do that in the morning.
we usually have so much to talk about when we see each other and we talked on the phone for an hour and a half today. we usually don't do that,because it's long distance and we can't afford to have high phone bills. i try to email her a lot,which is of course cheaper!but she has a hard time motivating herself to email and i understand about lack of motivation. and she's overwhelmed too. she is closer to my mom and used to spend a lot of time with her,and call her for advice or when she was lonely and she can't do that anymore. it's harder for her because she's the youngest,even though she's not a baby at 28.
today i was weeding out some old bookmarks and i ended up reading an article about timothy leary's dying and death. the last word he ever said was 'beautiful'.
today i actually got up early for me...9:30 when i usually get up at 11 or later. it's funny how when i dont HAVE to get up early but know the entire day is MINE,i feel excited about it and want to get up earlier. and when i have to work,i'm too depressed and have to drag myself out of bed...and it's not like i work in the coal mines. my job is actually pretty good,but it's that i have to drive through horrible traffic and i have to be there at a certain time,and it takes up such a chunk of my time...
i've had this fantasy of working part-time...20 hours a week,4 hours for five days. that would be sooo wonderful. ah,well.
there is so much i like to do on my own. reading,writing and researching are just three things i love to do,and i can amuse myself for quite a long time. (we'll see how it goes this week,as i live alone,have nine days off and i'm only going to see my sister and my mom,but that seems okay with me. there are a couple of people i want to get together with sometime,but it's really an effort to do so. not so with my sister sara,which is why i asked her if she wanted to get together sometime this week. as for visiting mom, i dread it because her mind is getting so bad...she's like a petulant two year old. if you take her out and try to restrain her so she won't go out in traffic,she hits you. not in a mean way,but she wants to get away...just like a child. but she's an adult and she's pretty strong. the one thing my mom always worried about was alzhemier's and she ended up with a similar type of dementia,along with lou gehrig's disease.)
today i listened to the beatles and did my usual sunday things...groceries at the natural foods store and then the supermarket,going to the gas station,laundry...but it didn't seem so bad today because i didnt feel rushed. i also went to the library. i used one of the computers and it's funny but my livejournal user page looks sooo different on a computer than it does on my tv through my msntv browser. kinda freaky.
i borrowed 'a wrinkle in time' by madeleine l'engle just to read the ending...it's so brilliant and wonderful. and i wanted to borrow something by william gibson and give reading some fiction a shot this week. they only had 'idoru' but that looks pretty interesting.
when i go to visit my mom,i may stop in to two or even three other area libraries where i can use my card. that'll be fun,and it adds something fun to my trip to visit my mother,which makes me sad.
my sister and i were talking about this today. we go visit her and the visit seems interminable (is that the right word for neverending?) because she can't communicate and we have to fight with her because she wants to go out and it isn't really safe to take her out because she's so hard to handle. we feel bad,because as her condition progresses,she wont' be outside much. i just told my sister that even if we feel like we arent doing anything when we visit her and we feel stupid,our presence means something. not to our mother's failing mental self,but to her inner emotional self. she's still in there somewhere.
my sister sara and i are going to get together for lunch tomorrow and hang out for awhile. she took a personal day off from work to get some things done,so she's going to do that in the morning.
we usually have so much to talk about when we see each other and we talked on the phone for an hour and a half today. we usually don't do that,because it's long distance and we can't afford to have high phone bills. i try to email her a lot,which is of course cheaper!but she has a hard time motivating herself to email and i understand about lack of motivation. and she's overwhelmed too. she is closer to my mom and used to spend a lot of time with her,and call her for advice or when she was lonely and she can't do that anymore. it's harder for her because she's the youngest,even though she's not a baby at 28.
today i was weeding out some old bookmarks and i ended up reading an article about timothy leary's dying and death. the last word he ever said was 'beautiful'.