bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-03-06 07:15 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-03-06 07:15 pm
lazy
oh boy,i'm just loving this being lazy and hanging around the house. it's great.
i didn't go out today at all except for my teeny tiny walk. i was going to go to the store but i figure i'll wait until tomorrow. if the sun shines,i won't even have to clean off my car...the sun will melt it. ooooh,lazy.
i've been doing some reading and it's so nice to have the time to do it. well,i don't REALLY have the time...in a sense. there are a million things i SHOULD be doing. but at the beginning of my vacation i told myself that i should really just relax as much as possible. goof off. my theory is that if i do i'll be refreshed and renewed by next week and then i'll have some ambition or motivation,or something.
the last few weeks i started getting seriously depressed. not as in,for an hour,or half a day,but as in day after day. of course i panicked because when you feel like you're heading for hell naturally you want to take a detour. so i called up the nurse practitioner and asked if she thought increasing my wellbutrin would help,and she wrote me a new prescription. so i started taking that.i dont really think it's helped this time 'round.
(it did make a difference for me for several months.) now i wish i hadn't increased it since i want to go off of it,and i'll have to slowly decrease and may experience some depression as my brain readjusts. and i could have tolerated my depression,unlike last fall,when for the only time in 44 years of my angry/sad temperament much of the time,i asked for a drug out of desperation. but i just panicked because i'm scared of depression. my other thought was that i desperately needed a vacation. as soon as possible. so i arranged for that. and here i am. i think this vacation has done me some good. i've been under a lot of stress in the last two years and i still have major stressors in my life (seriously ill and dying mother and the uncertainty of how i'm going to continue to support myself...i work full-time but it's the rent that's really difficult. i used to split it with my mom.)
so i've been letting myself be pretty damned lazy and just doing what i want other than the basic necessities. and i feel quite good right now.
this is the first time i've really spent so much time being totally alone. i thought it might freak me out a bit,but it's not like i couldn't pick up the phone and i have neighbors even if i dont' know them too well and i can go out and see other humans. but i don't particularly want to at the moment.
the tough part is the morning. when i wake up in the morning,i usually feel depressed thinking of all the things i haven't gotten done and how i've 'wasted' my time. i do want to get a couple of little projects done just because if i dont' i'll be really depressed at the end of my vacation. so it's a balancing act of making sure i relax but doing enough so i dont' hate myself.
ah,this whole motivation thing. i have it somewhere because i certainly havent been unmotivated my entire life. i haven't conquered the world or made a million dollars but i have done things and i have lived a little.
i can motivate myself to get going and do my chores if i know i will be doing something fun or interesting after i'm done those tasks. but for several reasons at this time in my life,i dont' have much to look forward to and i hope i can remedy that,but there are a lot of different factors in my life right now that make it difficult. and what's more difficult,is that i don't see any guarantee of improvement. so i think that might make anyone depressed. and unfortunately i'm so good at it,for whatever reason that is.
uh,where was i? well,for the moment i'm just enjoying being lazy.
i didn't go out today at all except for my teeny tiny walk. i was going to go to the store but i figure i'll wait until tomorrow. if the sun shines,i won't even have to clean off my car...the sun will melt it. ooooh,lazy.
i've been doing some reading and it's so nice to have the time to do it. well,i don't REALLY have the time...in a sense. there are a million things i SHOULD be doing. but at the beginning of my vacation i told myself that i should really just relax as much as possible. goof off. my theory is that if i do i'll be refreshed and renewed by next week and then i'll have some ambition or motivation,or something.
the last few weeks i started getting seriously depressed. not as in,for an hour,or half a day,but as in day after day. of course i panicked because when you feel like you're heading for hell naturally you want to take a detour. so i called up the nurse practitioner and asked if she thought increasing my wellbutrin would help,and she wrote me a new prescription. so i started taking that.i dont really think it's helped this time 'round.
(it did make a difference for me for several months.) now i wish i hadn't increased it since i want to go off of it,and i'll have to slowly decrease and may experience some depression as my brain readjusts. and i could have tolerated my depression,unlike last fall,when for the only time in 44 years of my angry/sad temperament much of the time,i asked for a drug out of desperation. but i just panicked because i'm scared of depression. my other thought was that i desperately needed a vacation. as soon as possible. so i arranged for that. and here i am. i think this vacation has done me some good. i've been under a lot of stress in the last two years and i still have major stressors in my life (seriously ill and dying mother and the uncertainty of how i'm going to continue to support myself...i work full-time but it's the rent that's really difficult. i used to split it with my mom.)
so i've been letting myself be pretty damned lazy and just doing what i want other than the basic necessities. and i feel quite good right now.
this is the first time i've really spent so much time being totally alone. i thought it might freak me out a bit,but it's not like i couldn't pick up the phone and i have neighbors even if i dont' know them too well and i can go out and see other humans. but i don't particularly want to at the moment.
the tough part is the morning. when i wake up in the morning,i usually feel depressed thinking of all the things i haven't gotten done and how i've 'wasted' my time. i do want to get a couple of little projects done just because if i dont' i'll be really depressed at the end of my vacation. so it's a balancing act of making sure i relax but doing enough so i dont' hate myself.
ah,this whole motivation thing. i have it somewhere because i certainly havent been unmotivated my entire life. i haven't conquered the world or made a million dollars but i have done things and i have lived a little.
i can motivate myself to get going and do my chores if i know i will be doing something fun or interesting after i'm done those tasks. but for several reasons at this time in my life,i dont' have much to look forward to and i hope i can remedy that,but there are a lot of different factors in my life right now that make it difficult. and what's more difficult,is that i don't see any guarantee of improvement. so i think that might make anyone depressed. and unfortunately i'm so good at it,for whatever reason that is.
uh,where was i? well,for the moment i'm just enjoying being lazy.