bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-06-22 02:45 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-06-22 02:45 pm
original pain
i called in sick today. oh sure,my stomach doesn't feel too great and my legs have hurt a lot lately,but mostly the reason i called in sick was psychological. first,for some strange reason my mother is spending some time at my youngest sister sara's apartment this weekend. as soon as i found that out,i plotted a sick day.
last week i was on vacation and i probably had a half hour max at home by myself. being at home by myself is one of my favorite things. in fact,i seem to need it,which is why i'm home today,even though i'll have sixty dollars less in my paycheck next week and i already don't make ends meet (keep dipping into next-used-car savings).
i don't know why it feels so good to just be here,without any music on,and more importantly,without the sound of mom's tv from the other room.i dont know why the tv bothers me so much. well,mom has it on during all of her waking hours. and while i was on vacation i noticed she spent hours listening to cnn or whatever's coverage of the most popular tragedy of the day. that really annoyed me.
i'm formulating a theory in my head that i may or may not expand on,called 'original sin/orginal pain'. the basic premise (and this may only apply to me because i only know my own experience of the world) is that i was miserable since the day i was born. and it is why i seek distraction...food,books,conversations,friendship...so desperately...because it gives me a small amount of relief from the pain that is always there. my mother told me when i was a baby i would cry for hours,and i'd been fed,changed,rocked and i had no discernable illness. my poor parents were at wit's end and would finally relent and just let me cry in my crib. i know to this day that it hurts them that i hurt,but they can't fix it.
okay,some folks will say why don't you take antidepressants? sure,maybe it is my brain chemistry. i hear the argument that just like a diabetic needs insulin,so some people have faulty brain chemistry and need drugs. maybe so. i just think that drugs cause more problems and at the very least there's the problem of being able to afford them. (which is why i joined the lj community 'poor and mentally ill'.)
i had a very strange and disturbing experience yesterday.i love my job but i didn't want to be at work. (maybe it has something to do with the fact that i didn't real have a very good or relaxing vacation,who knows). in fact,i didn't want to do much of anything,EXCEPT eating,especially sugar. because i was trying to self-medicate for feeling so lousy mentally. but i can't really eat much because of my stomach problems,so i don't.
i had trouble concentrating and if i hadn't pushed myself,i could have just sat staring into space. that scared me. i'm depressed a lot,but it is usually accompanied by lots of thoughts in my head. but this was like a void...not much thought,not much emotion. it reminded me of how a friend described her reaction to prozac. so i asked her about it. i told her how weird my state was...feeling apathetic,but like this weird scary suicidal edge,like i'd let my car slide over the line towards an oncoming car,because i just didn't care about anything anymore. strangely,it's like different parts of my brain were arguing. some part of me was clearly horrified at such thoughts. i'm the kind of person who feels guilty if i tailgate people (i rarely do it,but on the rare occasion i find someone going much slower than me,i lose my temper sometimes and do it) so you can imagine how i felt with thoughts of not caring if i got myself and someone else killed. it was a horrid sense of depersonalization and unreality.
my friend confirmed that's how she felt when taking prozac. lucky me,i get to experience this even while avoiding psychiatric drugs!
well,back to my theory...that i seek distractions to forget my existential pain that is always there. but then why do i feel so calm and soothed when i stay home alone? oh,well maybe it's because i'm either doing something on the internet...live journal or open diary or whatever...or watching a movie. distractions. however,it is much better when my mother isn't here with her tv on! why is that? maybe it's the combination of a good distraction and the absence of things that agitate me...meaning my mother and her tv. pretty much an optimum state for me. that optimum state of comfort for me is so narrow. it even holds true for weather. i don't like extremes of cold or hot (or low barometric pressure/humidity) and there is a small range of sixties to low seventies where i'm comfortable,though i've tried to adapt myself to a wider range and have had some success,which saves on ac and heating bills!
perhaps i need to develop my tolerance for other things besides weather...but life keeps slinging stuff at me and i never seem to get ahead nor even keep from falling behind in 'things i need to do'.
i feel like a failure.i used to take some solace in the fact that even though i've had to push myself through most days,i've still managed to work full time and support myself. right now i am also helping to support my mother.however,i am on the brink of no longer being able to take care of myself financially. even when i work forty hours,i don't make enough money to pay the bills. i can't dip into my savings forever. it's not that much,and if i use it all up i will not be able to buy a car when the one i have goes kaput.
i can't imagine working a job i dislike after the experience of feeling so miserable at my job that i love. i felt close to psychosis yesterday...shutting down. as it is,i've done quite a few four day weeks this year and i no longer have any sick days. i'm having a hard time doing five days a week while at the same time the necessity for working MORE hours looms over my head. there's no one to pick me up and help me and why should anyone have to? i should be able to take care of myself but i'm becoming less capable of that all the time. i'm only 44.right now i dont' have any faith in any god helping out either.
maybe in the eyes of some benevolent being,if there is one,i'm not a failure because of how much i've done with my huge mental handicap. but i wonder if i'm going to end up in some gutter. life makes no sense to me at the moment.
on the other hand,i've just eaten a pint of ben and jerry's (very bad for my stomach but i just wanted to feel better for a while mentally) and it's quiet and peaceful,even if the weather is sucky humid and i hate having everything closed up and ac on). so for the moment it's not too bad.
last week i was on vacation and i probably had a half hour max at home by myself. being at home by myself is one of my favorite things. in fact,i seem to need it,which is why i'm home today,even though i'll have sixty dollars less in my paycheck next week and i already don't make ends meet (keep dipping into next-used-car savings).
i don't know why it feels so good to just be here,without any music on,and more importantly,without the sound of mom's tv from the other room.i dont know why the tv bothers me so much. well,mom has it on during all of her waking hours. and while i was on vacation i noticed she spent hours listening to cnn or whatever's coverage of the most popular tragedy of the day. that really annoyed me.
i'm formulating a theory in my head that i may or may not expand on,called 'original sin/orginal pain'. the basic premise (and this may only apply to me because i only know my own experience of the world) is that i was miserable since the day i was born. and it is why i seek distraction...food,books,conversations,friendship...so desperately...because it gives me a small amount of relief from the pain that is always there. my mother told me when i was a baby i would cry for hours,and i'd been fed,changed,rocked and i had no discernable illness. my poor parents were at wit's end and would finally relent and just let me cry in my crib. i know to this day that it hurts them that i hurt,but they can't fix it.
okay,some folks will say why don't you take antidepressants? sure,maybe it is my brain chemistry. i hear the argument that just like a diabetic needs insulin,so some people have faulty brain chemistry and need drugs. maybe so. i just think that drugs cause more problems and at the very least there's the problem of being able to afford them. (which is why i joined the lj community 'poor and mentally ill'.)
i had a very strange and disturbing experience yesterday.i love my job but i didn't want to be at work. (maybe it has something to do with the fact that i didn't real have a very good or relaxing vacation,who knows). in fact,i didn't want to do much of anything,EXCEPT eating,especially sugar. because i was trying to self-medicate for feeling so lousy mentally. but i can't really eat much because of my stomach problems,so i don't.
i had trouble concentrating and if i hadn't pushed myself,i could have just sat staring into space. that scared me. i'm depressed a lot,but it is usually accompanied by lots of thoughts in my head. but this was like a void...not much thought,not much emotion. it reminded me of how a friend described her reaction to prozac. so i asked her about it. i told her how weird my state was...feeling apathetic,but like this weird scary suicidal edge,like i'd let my car slide over the line towards an oncoming car,because i just didn't care about anything anymore. strangely,it's like different parts of my brain were arguing. some part of me was clearly horrified at such thoughts. i'm the kind of person who feels guilty if i tailgate people (i rarely do it,but on the rare occasion i find someone going much slower than me,i lose my temper sometimes and do it) so you can imagine how i felt with thoughts of not caring if i got myself and someone else killed. it was a horrid sense of depersonalization and unreality.
my friend confirmed that's how she felt when taking prozac. lucky me,i get to experience this even while avoiding psychiatric drugs!
well,back to my theory...that i seek distractions to forget my existential pain that is always there. but then why do i feel so calm and soothed when i stay home alone? oh,well maybe it's because i'm either doing something on the internet...live journal or open diary or whatever...or watching a movie. distractions. however,it is much better when my mother isn't here with her tv on! why is that? maybe it's the combination of a good distraction and the absence of things that agitate me...meaning my mother and her tv. pretty much an optimum state for me. that optimum state of comfort for me is so narrow. it even holds true for weather. i don't like extremes of cold or hot (or low barometric pressure/humidity) and there is a small range of sixties to low seventies where i'm comfortable,though i've tried to adapt myself to a wider range and have had some success,which saves on ac and heating bills!
perhaps i need to develop my tolerance for other things besides weather...but life keeps slinging stuff at me and i never seem to get ahead nor even keep from falling behind in 'things i need to do'.
i feel like a failure.i used to take some solace in the fact that even though i've had to push myself through most days,i've still managed to work full time and support myself. right now i am also helping to support my mother.however,i am on the brink of no longer being able to take care of myself financially. even when i work forty hours,i don't make enough money to pay the bills. i can't dip into my savings forever. it's not that much,and if i use it all up i will not be able to buy a car when the one i have goes kaput.
i can't imagine working a job i dislike after the experience of feeling so miserable at my job that i love. i felt close to psychosis yesterday...shutting down. as it is,i've done quite a few four day weeks this year and i no longer have any sick days. i'm having a hard time doing five days a week while at the same time the necessity for working MORE hours looms over my head. there's no one to pick me up and help me and why should anyone have to? i should be able to take care of myself but i'm becoming less capable of that all the time. i'm only 44.right now i dont' have any faith in any god helping out either.
maybe in the eyes of some benevolent being,if there is one,i'm not a failure because of how much i've done with my huge mental handicap. but i wonder if i'm going to end up in some gutter. life makes no sense to me at the moment.
on the other hand,i've just eaten a pint of ben and jerry's (very bad for my stomach but i just wanted to feel better for a while mentally) and it's quiet and peaceful,even if the weather is sucky humid and i hate having everything closed up and ac on). so for the moment it's not too bad.