carpets,checkbooks,and cockroaches

my latest complaint:
we are getting new carpeting at work and it's a huuuge store. when you get new carpeting,it does something called 'outgassing'...which is toxic and it's bad especially if you are sensitive to toxins. of course i'm sensitive to toxins...i'm sensitive to everything! i once was exposed to cockroach killing powder...it's a long story,but a woman who lived in an apartment where i had one room with storage got infested and didn't tell the landlord. apparently,when i stopped by to pick up some of my belongings,she would quickly run in while the door was unlocked (and i had run out to my car with some stuff) and she would dump this stuff on top of my piles of boxes,which were piled above my head.) anyway,when the landlord found out about the cockroaches,she moved out,and he used bombs several times in all his buildings. and of course i needed to move all my stuff...one day some of that powder that the woman had dumped fell near my eye and on my head and face. man,my eyes hurt. and then for almost a year i had an earache,because the chemicals did some damage to my ears. fortunately,the ears healed themselves.

well,the new carpeting will be extensive and it's going to take about ten days to do. and not only will there be new carpet toxics,but their will be tons of dust from the old carpeting and underneath that will get stirred up. i'm allergic to dust. if i do just a little bit of dusting,i get congested in no time.

so,one more joy in my life...i just hope i don't get really really sick...that's all i need on top of my stomach problems and increasing depression...and speaking of which,i don't think i'm going to take my adderall anymore. well,maybe it's a good thing...stimulants probably burn out your adrenals.maybe i wouldn't have minded it if i had gotten some positive results,but i've taken it for two weeks and i think it just messed up my sleep and made me twitchy. and i spent $73 bucks on that and many folks know my financial situation is bad.

speaking of which,of course i worried and tried to figure out that problem today as well. i think about it every day. after messing with my schedule yesterday,i felt crappy today,because of my messed up sleep,and not enough.
because i wake up in the middle of the night and sometimes don't get back to sleep right away,i tend to stay in bed for about nine hours (and ten hours whenever i can get away with it,which is usually just saturday mornings,because i have fewer chores on saturday) so how can i work two jobs if i need nine hours of sleep? i suppose i could work six or seven days a week,but i worked six days for one christmas season about ten years ago and i had psychological burnout in that short time because i need 'down' time.
you know,maybe the internet isn't a good thing in some ways,like if people are on the internet when they could be out with real live friends...but in my case,i don't have that opportunity right now. and if i did,i wouldn't write as much here. nothing personal,but i'd rather have friends in person than be on the internet. but since i don't,i enjoy writing and reading and communicating with people on the net. and if i'm working six or seven days a week,i won't even have this enjoyment.

i usually try to end on a better note,though. here it is...my checkbook is balanced. well,except for a nickel...and even i am not anal retentive enough to worry about THAT.
i don't like balancing my checkbook,so i will give myself a pat on the back for doing that when i got home from work tonight.
pat,pat.

p.s. and unfortunately i'm probably going to have to try zoloft or something...i don't know how i can keep going and if i get any more depressed like i have been (though i haven't been too bad the last couple of days...but i tend to delude myself when i'm okay that the depression is over,and then it comes back as bad as ever...and no,i don't think i feel well enough to attribute a positive affect of the adderall...i feel okay,for a depressive person,today. it's a whole different spectrum of moods...also,today i did too things where i got more distracted than i ever have before....i went to check on something for a customer,saw my friend megan,said something to her,and then went back to the newstand and forgot about the customer until i looked up and saw here and said 'oh' and then i gave her the information she asked for. i felt embarrassed...maybe i'm getting alzhemier's? geez...anyway,the adderall is supposed to help my focus and i wouldn't say that was a focused reaction!

you know,a lot of people don't think i'm depressed because i am very good at putting on the cheerful act...which is good in many ways,because i guess i probably even cheer myself up a bit that way...
on the other hand,when i am missing work a lot and lately i've been LATE for work several times in a week...something is wrong. i'm the kind of person who likes to get to places early...
i don't know where i'm going with this,but i'm going to sleep soon!
um,so to end this postscript on a good note...it's a nice cool night and my window is open. yea!