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ultimately,thanks
Jun. 17th, 2008 08:47 pmtoday i turned 50. yeah, back on this date in 1958 i made my appearance.
yesterday i was pondering today's event. my thought was 'what's a nice gal like me doing spending my 50th birthday alone?'.
well,it might be that i'm not as nice as i think i am. but i think i'm a pretty decent human being. when i was out of work for three months last year having my long-putoff (i survived 49 years of dealing with anxiety and depression before it got to that point) first "official" (meaning out on medical leave) nervous breakdown, not one person from my workplace sent me a card to say "thinking of you" or "get well". that hurt my feelings and it would have helped a lot considering i was out on medical leave because of depression. but oh well. recently,one of my favorite co-workers had a similar thing happen to her. she got lots of cards. she's a really sweet woman and i understand THAT. what i don't understand is why no one thought of me. when i did go back to work,i did get lots of warm welcomes and a few hugs,which was nice. i know no one hates me or anything,but i think you can see my puzzlement.
anyway,i guess i can't know how other people see me.i don't have friends to spend my birthday with because i suck at maintaining friendships. fortunately for me,my sister-friends don't operate by the same unspoken rules,or i'd be really really bereft.
i suck at maintaining friendships because i don't have much energy.i don't have much energy because i'm chronically depressed as well as sometimes having severe depression on TOP of that. all my energy goes to working full-time so i can support myself.
so,why am i alone on my 50th birthday?
well,i'm not really alone. last night before going to bed,when it was almost one o'clock and therefore already officially my birthday,i went downstairs to check the mail. i opened the box and literally out spilled four cards...one from each sister! what impeccable timing! and today fed ex showed up with a package from proflowers...my sisters sent me a beautiful huge bouquet and that got me teary eyed. that was a really thoughtful thing. if my sisters all lived closer,had more energy and more money,i'd probably not be alone today physically. fortunately,my sister sara came over on sunday to help me get through father's day with dad. we hung out together watching the red sox for a while before going to dad's,so i kind of thought of that as my birthday company.
to my surprise,i was in a good mood when i woke up this morning. for some reason,i am determined to be happy on my birthday,because it's MY special day and dammit,i'm special just like everybody else!
my 50 years haven't been all misery. and that has to do with my mom and dad and sisters and other relatives and friends i've had along the way. i don't really want to live for another fifty years (unless i got physically and mentally healthier,but i'm not holding my breath!) but hopefully i'll be able to get through the next twenty or thirty or whatever time i have left and have a few good moments along the way to boot. one can hope!
i'm a depressive because of genes maybe and the fact that i'm terribly sensitive to anything that goes wrong.
considering all that,i can't say i really had an unhappy childhood and that's a testament to my parents who had their faults but loved me with all MY faults and defects anyway. my adulthood has been tougher because i've had to take care of myself,and that's hard for me.i don't know if i believe in god these days,but if love is god,then god exists. because sometimes i'm able to love myself and my sisters love me and my dad loves me and mom did too,and maybe still does,if we exist after 'death'. and i kind of think love always exists. so even though my entourage is not as large as i'd like it to be,i'm not really alone. thanks,sisters.
yesterday i was pondering today's event. my thought was 'what's a nice gal like me doing spending my 50th birthday alone?'.
well,it might be that i'm not as nice as i think i am. but i think i'm a pretty decent human being. when i was out of work for three months last year having my long-putoff (i survived 49 years of dealing with anxiety and depression before it got to that point) first "official" (meaning out on medical leave) nervous breakdown, not one person from my workplace sent me a card to say "thinking of you" or "get well". that hurt my feelings and it would have helped a lot considering i was out on medical leave because of depression. but oh well. recently,one of my favorite co-workers had a similar thing happen to her. she got lots of cards. she's a really sweet woman and i understand THAT. what i don't understand is why no one thought of me. when i did go back to work,i did get lots of warm welcomes and a few hugs,which was nice. i know no one hates me or anything,but i think you can see my puzzlement.
anyway,i guess i can't know how other people see me.i don't have friends to spend my birthday with because i suck at maintaining friendships. fortunately for me,my sister-friends don't operate by the same unspoken rules,or i'd be really really bereft.
i suck at maintaining friendships because i don't have much energy.i don't have much energy because i'm chronically depressed as well as sometimes having severe depression on TOP of that. all my energy goes to working full-time so i can support myself.
so,why am i alone on my 50th birthday?
well,i'm not really alone. last night before going to bed,when it was almost one o'clock and therefore already officially my birthday,i went downstairs to check the mail. i opened the box and literally out spilled four cards...one from each sister! what impeccable timing! and today fed ex showed up with a package from proflowers...my sisters sent me a beautiful huge bouquet and that got me teary eyed. that was a really thoughtful thing. if my sisters all lived closer,had more energy and more money,i'd probably not be alone today physically. fortunately,my sister sara came over on sunday to help me get through father's day with dad. we hung out together watching the red sox for a while before going to dad's,so i kind of thought of that as my birthday company.
to my surprise,i was in a good mood when i woke up this morning. for some reason,i am determined to be happy on my birthday,because it's MY special day and dammit,i'm special just like everybody else!
my 50 years haven't been all misery. and that has to do with my mom and dad and sisters and other relatives and friends i've had along the way. i don't really want to live for another fifty years (unless i got physically and mentally healthier,but i'm not holding my breath!) but hopefully i'll be able to get through the next twenty or thirty or whatever time i have left and have a few good moments along the way to boot. one can hope!
i'm a depressive because of genes maybe and the fact that i'm terribly sensitive to anything that goes wrong.
considering all that,i can't say i really had an unhappy childhood and that's a testament to my parents who had their faults but loved me with all MY faults and defects anyway. my adulthood has been tougher because i've had to take care of myself,and that's hard for me.i don't know if i believe in god these days,but if love is god,then god exists. because sometimes i'm able to love myself and my sisters love me and my dad loves me and mom did too,and maybe still does,if we exist after 'death'. and i kind of think love always exists. so even though my entourage is not as large as i'd like it to be,i'm not really alone. thanks,sisters.
