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i'm just waking up and look out my window to a pretty pale pink sunset. i think that means tomorrow will be mild. in any event,it's lovely now.
my goals in life are shrinking,and becoming simpler,but sadly my ability and energy is even slower than that,leaving me with prozacflattened frustration.
the days between showers lengthens. a sad,embarrassing truth that i think i may share with some others whom have a similar melancholic disposition. it would feel wonderful to be freshly showered more often,but it takes so much energy. i'm only really mildly disabled compared to some people,and i would be...and worried i will be,if i live to be more infirm...a very cranky ungracious more disabled person,i think. i wouldn't want to be,but i think it would be hard not to. just like i was a cranky,easily disturbed child before anyone knew that i was on the autistic spectrum (and i'm somewhat grateful for that,because when i was young,it was blamed on mothers,and my mother had a tough enough road of her own,along with being my mom to myself and four sisters over a period of twenty years,without having to be blamed for my sensitivity).
so,i feel frustrated,and sad,and yet i have had days in the past where i have felt much much worse. my prozac takes the edge off of those suicidal feelings,but also saps my energy.
this is just an example of how i most often feel when first waking up. after awhile,i feel a bit less cranky and somedays i can get things done. i still have to really push myself to do most anything that i don't consider fun. i am selfish in being selfabsorbed but i do have to live in this body,which includes this rather...interesting and frustrating brain. i have no illusions that my life is more difficult than many others,so then i feel guilty for talking about it. or writing. but then,i think in some ways it is good to say what you feel once in a while. i try not to do it all the time,but i do more often than i'd like.
now i am starting to wake up...i've eaten a yummy meal,and so i feel a little better. and i will probably watch the local news,and then pbs...i can barely stand watching the regular broadcast news anymore...they keep repeating and spinning the same things they think most people want to hear,and they may be right. or not. there is so little substance. i like pbs newshour because they go into depth and discuss things with people of different opinions,and i learn things. oh,wait...it's saturday,not a 'regular day'. so i have no idea what i will watch on tv,then. i will probably try to find a good history or nature or current event documentary on one of the public tv stations,i suppose. i borrowed 'hugo' from the library on dvd and may watch that. i think i'm most interested in the set design,but we'll see!
my goals in life are shrinking,and becoming simpler,but sadly my ability and energy is even slower than that,leaving me with prozacflattened frustration.
the days between showers lengthens. a sad,embarrassing truth that i think i may share with some others whom have a similar melancholic disposition. it would feel wonderful to be freshly showered more often,but it takes so much energy. i'm only really mildly disabled compared to some people,and i would be...and worried i will be,if i live to be more infirm...a very cranky ungracious more disabled person,i think. i wouldn't want to be,but i think it would be hard not to. just like i was a cranky,easily disturbed child before anyone knew that i was on the autistic spectrum (and i'm somewhat grateful for that,because when i was young,it was blamed on mothers,and my mother had a tough enough road of her own,along with being my mom to myself and four sisters over a period of twenty years,without having to be blamed for my sensitivity).
so,i feel frustrated,and sad,and yet i have had days in the past where i have felt much much worse. my prozac takes the edge off of those suicidal feelings,but also saps my energy.
this is just an example of how i most often feel when first waking up. after awhile,i feel a bit less cranky and somedays i can get things done. i still have to really push myself to do most anything that i don't consider fun. i am selfish in being selfabsorbed but i do have to live in this body,which includes this rather...interesting and frustrating brain. i have no illusions that my life is more difficult than many others,so then i feel guilty for talking about it. or writing. but then,i think in some ways it is good to say what you feel once in a while. i try not to do it all the time,but i do more often than i'd like.
now i am starting to wake up...i've eaten a yummy meal,and so i feel a little better. and i will probably watch the local news,and then pbs...i can barely stand watching the regular broadcast news anymore...they keep repeating and spinning the same things they think most people want to hear,and they may be right. or not. there is so little substance. i like pbs newshour because they go into depth and discuss things with people of different opinions,and i learn things. oh,wait...it's saturday,not a 'regular day'. so i have no idea what i will watch on tv,then. i will probably try to find a good history or nature or current event documentary on one of the public tv stations,i suppose. i borrowed 'hugo' from the library on dvd and may watch that. i think i'm most interested in the set design,but we'll see!