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fear of life and unexpected kindness
Feb. 3rd, 2003 01:41 pmto my surprise,the universe has been kind to me the last few days.
first,on saturday i was very depressed. i went to the supermarket to buy some groceries and it was rainy and chilly. to my amazement,a parking spot opened up near the door just as i was driving by to park further away like i usually do (instead of driving around and around just to be a lazyass). i thought,heck,i'll take it! then i went in a bought my stuff and the cashier and bag boy were exceptionally nice...not in a fake way,just nice and kind. and that made me feel a little better too. you know,sometimes the little things are the big things.
and sometimes the big things shrink. in this case,another good sign. yesterday,i couldn't find the lump in my breast that has had me in a bit of a tizzy (well,actually having to deal with the medical stuff is what is really depressing...the lump was not doing me any harm,as far as i know,or causing any pain). now,it's either shrunk so it's harder to find,or it's shifted so it's harder to find (and if a lump can shift around that's a positive sign...much more likely to be benign). either way,it's a nice development,or whatever is the OPPOSITE of development,in this case! i'm not getting too excited about it,because i'm still a bit wary of all this,but in any case it's anything but discouraging.
so,today i woke up and decided i really couldn't deal with having the mammogram. i've dealt with plenty of pain and sickness lately,but just the thought of it...squashing my breasts and zapping them with radiation...yikes. it just doesn't seem right if one can possibly avoid it. and could i have pushed myself if i still felt a golf ball in my breast? i don't know if i COULD have,but i would know i SHOULD have. but now,i'm not so sure about the should. oh,i imagine i will get a hassle from people. the doctor,nurses,my family. it's all from fear. now,i understand fear. the weird thing (and maybe it's sad,maybe it's not) is that i'm more fearful of life than i am of death,at least the way i feel now. i'm definitely fearful of a painful death,but it's not the death,it's the dying...i.e. being still alive.
( more of the nonuntypical tmi )
first,on saturday i was very depressed. i went to the supermarket to buy some groceries and it was rainy and chilly. to my amazement,a parking spot opened up near the door just as i was driving by to park further away like i usually do (instead of driving around and around just to be a lazyass). i thought,heck,i'll take it! then i went in a bought my stuff and the cashier and bag boy were exceptionally nice...not in a fake way,just nice and kind. and that made me feel a little better too. you know,sometimes the little things are the big things.
and sometimes the big things shrink. in this case,another good sign. yesterday,i couldn't find the lump in my breast that has had me in a bit of a tizzy (well,actually having to deal with the medical stuff is what is really depressing...the lump was not doing me any harm,as far as i know,or causing any pain). now,it's either shrunk so it's harder to find,or it's shifted so it's harder to find (and if a lump can shift around that's a positive sign...much more likely to be benign). either way,it's a nice development,or whatever is the OPPOSITE of development,in this case! i'm not getting too excited about it,because i'm still a bit wary of all this,but in any case it's anything but discouraging.
so,today i woke up and decided i really couldn't deal with having the mammogram. i've dealt with plenty of pain and sickness lately,but just the thought of it...squashing my breasts and zapping them with radiation...yikes. it just doesn't seem right if one can possibly avoid it. and could i have pushed myself if i still felt a golf ball in my breast? i don't know if i COULD have,but i would know i SHOULD have. but now,i'm not so sure about the should. oh,i imagine i will get a hassle from people. the doctor,nurses,my family. it's all from fear. now,i understand fear. the weird thing (and maybe it's sad,maybe it's not) is that i'm more fearful of life than i am of death,at least the way i feel now. i'm definitely fearful of a painful death,but it's not the death,it's the dying...i.e. being still alive.
( more of the nonuntypical tmi )