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assessing my life a bit
Aug. 11th, 2002 01:27 pmwell,i went over to free open diary to update to keep my old diaries alive (i had two,from different times),and they are gone. oh,well.
i'm pretty sure that i got everything from both diaries onto here,but i liked having those diaries there in case everything here got lost and/or i could no longer pay for this and lost all these entries. i don't have a computer so i can't put things on a disk. most of my entries are not that precious,but there are a few i like and want to keep.
i was thinking this morning about being an underachiever,and then i turned that around and started thinking of what things i HAVE accomplished in life. it seems to be that i really started a downhill slide once i had to take care of my own domestic chores...i hate them,and at least growing up i could concentrate on things i liked doing like going to school and other things,because my parents were good parents and took care of me.so i was very fortunate that way. there other additions to my downhill slide was when i realized i couldn't deal with the stress of a managerial job or with much stress in general,and so my income has plummeted over the years,which is not good considering that expenses have gone up!
and the other thing is that i've had quite a few small problems with my health crop up the last two years. and one more thing...living with my mother has not really been conducive to my mental health,but i guess having a psycho roommate could have been worse,and i haven't been able to afford to live alone.
anyway,back to meandering about the things that i have accomplished-surviving for one. that's no small thing considering i've been depressed and/or angry for a large portion of my life.
i might write more of an overview later,but maybe not. but one thing that stands out for me is my writing.
i've been told that i'm a good writer. actually maybe it was just my mother who said that,i don't remember,and mothers are biased! personally,i know there are lots of writers that are better than me and knowing that i'm not one of the BEST in the world crushes me a little! i know that that i'm better than some others...i've admitted in the past that i'm a snob,and i think there are many published writers that write abysmally.
i'm not fond of organization or grammar,which should be obvious. my spelling is usually quite good,and that's a gift. my best writing is inspired...it just happens.i guess that might be the area of my life where i think there might be a god or benevolence,and that's where the best writing,music,art,etc. comes from. one works as a messenger.
i wouldnt want a job where i HAVE to write,because sometimes i just don't like to. obviously,i like to write enough that i write in my online journals fairly often.much of it is crap,but i like expressing myself.
i'm also blessed with a sense of humor,though i wish i was funnier and funny more consistently rather than getting bogged down in my melancholy.
i love to make people laugh or smile and have occasionally thought of being a comedian. so it's nice sometimes when i can help people laugh or smile through my online diares.it's a humble accomplishment,but it's something anyway.
the other bit of writing i did was in the 80's i did several music fanzines. i met a few of my friends that way...one guy was in a band and wanted me to write about them,so i set up an interview and we ended up being good friends.got to know a few other folks in the local music scene as well.that was in my glorious twenties. i also had pen pals in albany new york and one in arkansas who got to be good friends. we graduated to talking on the phone and eventually i met my friend cyndi from albany.she came to visit me a couple of times,and i went to albany a couple of times to visit her. the way i drive,it was about a four hour drive.cyndi and i were both huge r.e.m. fans at the time,so we went to see them together. it was a blast. i corresponded with a bunch of folks...one guy claims i was the inspiration for his fanzine,which made me feel like a godmother of sorts. very cool.
not long after i turned thirty,i lost my job managing a bookstore,where i had been making $20,000 a year. for me,i was rich. too bad i didn't save money though,because here it is more than ten years later,and i only make $17,000 a year and i'm having severe financial problems.about a year after i lost that job,i started having severe anxiety attacks and was afraid to live alone,so i moved in with mom.
it was actually a good thing for her,because her rent was more than she could afford. but that was another factor in my downhill slide.
i'm hoping i can somehow rise from the ashes,though i have no idea how the hell i will do that. so many things are stacked against me.
but isn't there some law of averages where things have to get better eventually? should i hope so? or will hope be my downfall,since i get my hopes too high and then disappointment kills me?
i'm pretty sure that i got everything from both diaries onto here,but i liked having those diaries there in case everything here got lost and/or i could no longer pay for this and lost all these entries. i don't have a computer so i can't put things on a disk. most of my entries are not that precious,but there are a few i like and want to keep.
i was thinking this morning about being an underachiever,and then i turned that around and started thinking of what things i HAVE accomplished in life. it seems to be that i really started a downhill slide once i had to take care of my own domestic chores...i hate them,and at least growing up i could concentrate on things i liked doing like going to school and other things,because my parents were good parents and took care of me.so i was very fortunate that way. there other additions to my downhill slide was when i realized i couldn't deal with the stress of a managerial job or with much stress in general,and so my income has plummeted over the years,which is not good considering that expenses have gone up!
and the other thing is that i've had quite a few small problems with my health crop up the last two years. and one more thing...living with my mother has not really been conducive to my mental health,but i guess having a psycho roommate could have been worse,and i haven't been able to afford to live alone.
anyway,back to meandering about the things that i have accomplished-surviving for one. that's no small thing considering i've been depressed and/or angry for a large portion of my life.
i might write more of an overview later,but maybe not. but one thing that stands out for me is my writing.
i've been told that i'm a good writer. actually maybe it was just my mother who said that,i don't remember,and mothers are biased! personally,i know there are lots of writers that are better than me and knowing that i'm not one of the BEST in the world crushes me a little! i know that that i'm better than some others...i've admitted in the past that i'm a snob,and i think there are many published writers that write abysmally.
i'm not fond of organization or grammar,which should be obvious. my spelling is usually quite good,and that's a gift. my best writing is inspired...it just happens.i guess that might be the area of my life where i think there might be a god or benevolence,and that's where the best writing,music,art,etc. comes from. one works as a messenger.
i wouldnt want a job where i HAVE to write,because sometimes i just don't like to. obviously,i like to write enough that i write in my online journals fairly often.much of it is crap,but i like expressing myself.
i'm also blessed with a sense of humor,though i wish i was funnier and funny more consistently rather than getting bogged down in my melancholy.
i love to make people laugh or smile and have occasionally thought of being a comedian. so it's nice sometimes when i can help people laugh or smile through my online diares.it's a humble accomplishment,but it's something anyway.
the other bit of writing i did was in the 80's i did several music fanzines. i met a few of my friends that way...one guy was in a band and wanted me to write about them,so i set up an interview and we ended up being good friends.got to know a few other folks in the local music scene as well.that was in my glorious twenties. i also had pen pals in albany new york and one in arkansas who got to be good friends. we graduated to talking on the phone and eventually i met my friend cyndi from albany.she came to visit me a couple of times,and i went to albany a couple of times to visit her. the way i drive,it was about a four hour drive.cyndi and i were both huge r.e.m. fans at the time,so we went to see them together. it was a blast. i corresponded with a bunch of folks...one guy claims i was the inspiration for his fanzine,which made me feel like a godmother of sorts. very cool.
not long after i turned thirty,i lost my job managing a bookstore,where i had been making $20,000 a year. for me,i was rich. too bad i didn't save money though,because here it is more than ten years later,and i only make $17,000 a year and i'm having severe financial problems.about a year after i lost that job,i started having severe anxiety attacks and was afraid to live alone,so i moved in with mom.
it was actually a good thing for her,because her rent was more than she could afford. but that was another factor in my downhill slide.
i'm hoping i can somehow rise from the ashes,though i have no idea how the hell i will do that. so many things are stacked against me.
but isn't there some law of averages where things have to get better eventually? should i hope so? or will hope be my downfall,since i get my hopes too high and then disappointment kills me?