slipping into apathy

i turned on the one channel i get (since i dont have cable) so i could get the weather report as i'd heard it might be icy today.i find driving on ice scary,since it's practically impossible and with my luck i certainly don't want to rely on it. it's bad enough when the roads aren't bad having to deal with maniac drivers. yesterday i had one person in the lane to the right of me cut in front of me to get into the lane to the LEFT of me and he/she was only HALF a car length in front of me,so i had to slam on the brakes. jesus,i'm lucky i didn't get rearended. idiot. if they weren't in the correct lane at that point,they should have just turned around instead of endangering my life. and then on the drive home last night i was lucky enough to be in front of two idiots who wanted to drag race...since there were two of them,one in each lane and i was in front of one of them,what the hell was i supposed to do? i was terrified,as there was nowhere to pull over either. one of them eventually switched to the same lane as the other and practically crashed into him before swerving around him. i hate people.

anyhow,of course i will probably not get a weather report now because of the space shuttle thing. that's sad and scary.debris raining down on people.

i just want an excuse not to go to work. i'm feeling both angry and apathetic. every time i turn around,i have one more thing in my future to dread. of course i'm sure folks can understand why i dread the possibility of surgery and the death of my mother (she has a terminal illness) but they might not understand that things bother me so much that i'm stressed because a few of my sisters and my mother are coming over next week to clean out some of mom's stuff and that means i have to put all the stuff i had spread out in order to sort out some of my stuff away again and i don't have time and it'll set me back and i dont like having a bunch of people over. it's MY place now,and i like my sanctuary,so i feel like i'm being invaded. and i don't want to go to work because i hate saturdays and i was bored yesterday and i know i'll be bored at work today and boredom is bad news for me. when i get bored,it usually end of getting more depressed. i guess my life is all about distraction,because i'm basically miserable (well,maybe that's overstating it,but my basic state seems to be one of melancholy) and distraction helps me forget.i don't know how i'm going to work a job i hate and that bores me since i need to switch jobs soon in order to make ends meet. i don't ENJOY being miserable. i wish i was happy by nature and/or that i had a better life,but i don't have either.if i was an alcoholic i'd want a drink really really badly right now,since all i want to do right now is eat and stay home and write and read. and i feel like a bad person for not wanting to go to work,and i feel like a bad person every time i don't go to work because i'm depressed. i've gone to work for years while i was depressed,but in the last year i've found it more and more difficult to push myself. part of me just doesn't care about being responsible anymore and another part of me is very sad about that.

hairdresser on fire

thank you,morrissey,for existing.

"you had to sneak into my room,just to read my diary,it was just to see,just to see,all the things i'd written about you"

soul music

no one else sounds like new order.
i always thought it odd that i liked them,but then i figured i just liked the best of the 'electronic' stuff from the eighties,and to me,the best were new order and howard jones.

i haven't had luck with someone saying 'oh,you'll like them,they sound like r.e.m/the beatles/u2.'

no,i dont' want to listen to bands that allegedly 'sound like' another band i like.i like bands because they are true to their soul*...whatever they happen to sound like.

*and to my mind,bands are synergetic entities themselves...which is why it can never be repeated in exactly the same way. which is why i still miss bill being in r.e.m.

jesus,brigid,saint patrick,auroras,zephyrs,groundhogs,et al.

i have my issues with christianity,but not jesus.no problem with jesus.

but why did i get really annoyed with music that mentions jesus and 'lord' constantly? well,maybe because a lot of christian music isn't very good. i don't know. i also really don't like harp music,except for interludes in marx brothers movies by harpo. so i guess that's why the cd my sister and her family gave me for christmas is annoying the heck out of me. also,probably because i want to like it and i haven't written a thank you note about it,but i want to find something i like about it. it's a christian celtic cd,and it's the celtic part that made my sister think of me.i DO like celtic music...the really old traditional stuff,not so much the danny boy lounge stuff,if you know what i mean.

the current song i'm listening to has piano,and a bit of woodwind,but it's not the beautiful and emotionally evocative tin whistle that makes me melt into a puddle of goo.

jesus,i just checked out the liner notes and that song i was listening DID have irish whistle and uillean pipes,which i adore and which also turn me into a puddle of goo. geez,it must have been really really low in the mix,because i barely heard it.

oh,now it's the star of the county down...okay,a lovely fiddle solo.no,now two,very nice.feeling gooey.unfortunately,it's been turned into a song called 'i heard the voice of jesus say'. it's really not bad because it's a good tune,but...(boy,do i miss my atwater/donnelly tapes...wah...must find some someday again)

frankly,i think christianity has not been very good to ireland.and i totally don't agree with the liner notes which say:

"when saint patrick brought christianity to ireland he found men and women who eagerly embraced the gospel,with its emphasis on jesus, through whom god created all things.[huh? that makes no sense to me] for it was through creation,the stars,the trees,even the stones,that these people had sought,in vain,to find god."

that's funny,if i'm going to sense god in the world,it's through the trees,the stars,the wind,etc that i feel that presence most.but maybe that's just me. oh,and let's not talk about 'saint' brigid,who used to be a goddess...

by the way,happy saint brigid's day (imbolc...beginning of spring/groundhog day) tomorrow,anam caras.